"Never Underestimate the Pathmark of Human Stupidity."

Hollywood Studios Feeding Frenzy Over Hazardous Waste Social Post Photo

Republic Services posted a recruitment announcement on Facebook and since it strangely resembled a movie poster, 3 big Hollywood studios scrambled to option it into a working screenplay.

Here are their elevator pitches: 

SONY PICTURES: "Treatment & Disposal" starring Daniel Kaluuya

A bumbling environmental services worker finds a million dollars in a recycling bin and takes a fun road trip with his friends (Shameik Moore and Dylan Sprouse) to find its owner in Malibu. Also starring Parker Posey as "Momma".

PARAMOUNT: "Waste" starring Jaden Smith

After handling radioactive waste, Republic Services worker Gus (Smith) wakes up and finds that he's grown to be 200 ft tall. He uses his newfound celebrity and power to run for mayor of his small town. Starring John Lithgow as the current mayor (who forbids dancing).

A24: "WE'RE YOUR PARTNER" starring Stranger Things's Caleb McLaughlin

An unhappy Republic Services worker falls into the company's recycling machine and emerges a new person (Michael B. Jordan) with a new wife (Ariana DeBose). After settling into his new life, he realizes it's not so great and jumps into the recycling machine again. Third act played by Austin Butler.

Smecial Dreams Mini-Entry

A segment where we all share our hopes, dreams, and... no wait. Just our dreams.

Here Are The Shows That Are Being Removed And Added To Hulu This Month

Due to contract changes etc., the following movies and TV shows will be removed from Hulu this week:

• Who Moved That?

• Karaoke Background Video Montage

• Smell This Hacky Sack

• A Bunch of Fat People Pretending To Do Kung Fu

• Tits (Censored)

• Jalapeñis

• ATM Skimmer Pranks

• TSA Treasure Hunt

The following movies and TV shows will be added to Hulu this week:

• Shia LeBeouf Tries Opening A Can of Pringles

• Rod Serling Presents: Walmart Customer Service Stories

• I Tolerate Lucy

• Senior Care Facility Rap Cyphers

• Chuck Todd Finally Shaves That Awful Goatee of His

• Star Wars: Jedi Sexual Coercion Tricks

A List of Shows That Will Be Taken Down From Netflix In October

Netflix has announced the latest round of movies and TV shows that will no longer be available at the end of September because of contract disputes or trade embargoes or whatever. Here's what to watch on Netflix before you're forced to switch over to Hulu (what a friggin' hassle, right?):

Movies
Tyler Perry's SMH
Steampunk Gardener
The Bourne Conjugation
Tweakier
The Reanimated Undead Zombie Groupon Riot
Uber Romances (Rom. Comedy)
2 Actresses Whose Name You Forget Pretend To Be Cops In a Tiresome Comedy
"Minority Report, The Series," The Motion Picture
Aunt Margaret's Candy Dish (Horror)
Tough Titty
Craft Service Tables That John Travolta Has Enjoyed (Documentary Series)
Stop Or My Mom Will Shoot AGAIN
Gooby II

TV Shows
The Lance Bass Experiment, Seasons 1-3
Adult Swim's Fuckerfuck & The Pine Cone Cockcunts
Shark Tank, Season 2, 5, 6, and 8
Ken Burns Documentary Series: The Origin of "Yo Mamma" Jokes
America's Got Type 2 Diabetes
Rarities Series: Carol Burnett Skits Where Tim Conway Didn't Crack Up
Uber Romances, The Series
Prison Game show: Shank My Prag
Playboy's Sexiest Notary Publics In Ohio
Ignoring The Kardashians
Mama Weer All Crazy Now, The Musical Series
Asperger's + Hidden Cameras
Blackjak, The Black Kojak

CRAWLSPACE!!!!

My cousin Melissa and I were cleaning the basement in my house, and we found a CRAWLSPACE near the bathroom! Inside we found a bunch of treasures that were left by the previous owner, who you might remember left a ton of crap in the yard and an upstairs closet.

I let Melissa go in first, in case there were mummies or waterfalls like in "The Goonies."



The crawlspace had low head clearance (thus the name) and we found a shitty brass lamp, an unknown bracket, and what looked like a dusty tennis racket case.


We found an ancient mystical box that was labeled "Killauni."


No magical amulets or idols inside, though.


Although if the previous owner's motorcycle GPS goes haywire, he's screwed.


We found a perfectly good desk fan, which I gave to Melissa.


Then we found THIS:


Friggin' JACKPOT. A rusty fucking sword! This IS the Goonies!! We also spotted an unattractive flower vase and ignored it.


We cracked open the tennis racket case to see what was really in there.


It was a camping cot. Was someone actually sleeping in this crawlspace? Did this used to be some kind of sex dungeon? Was "Killauni" involved?


We also found a cassette tape, the contents of which I hope to digitize and post on this blog later. But after that whole abandoned film fiasco, let's not get our hopes up too much.


But even if it turns out to be a blank tape that was inexplicably left played in the middle, we'll always have THIS:


Lost Boys!!!!!

Some Terrible Hip Hop Names

Nipsey Hussle


Nipsey Hussle is a West Coast rapper of Eritrean descent from the streets of Slauson & Crenshaw, meaning his peers are Snoop Dogg and Ice T.

From his website: "Nipsey Hussle earned his moniker by absorbing all the hood had to offer and profiting from it tenfold." There is no mention of Nipsey Russell and how such a young rapper had ever heard of him. I dunno, $100,000 Pyramid reruns?


Edgar Allen Floe


This guy's from North Carolina.

From Allhiphop.com: "Mal Demolish, Floe's partner in the group The Undefined, gave him this name in 1996, and Floe stuck with it saying, 'Edgar Allan Poe was a well-respected writer and storyteller. I tried to incorporate that into my standpoint. He was a dope writer; I'm trying to be a well respected and dope writer, so it all goes and in hand.'"

Okay. Fair enough. Still a stupid name, though.

Hue Hef


A South Carolina neighbor to Edgar Allen Floe, Hue Hef is steeped in "Dirty South" hip hop slang, meaning I don't even have to listen to it to know it totally blows.

Well, shit. I take that back. A rare Dirty South track that's not too bad:



If you would like to add Hue Hef as a friend on Facebook, click here.

Jackie Chain


Okay. This is the dumbest name yet. And yes, he wears a chain.

Here's an excerpt from somanyshrimp.com (?!):

Jackie’s perfected this style of rap that is super direct and determined and where there are no wasted words and every line is like a very pointed statement of purpose. I get the sense that he writes every rhyme two lines at a time and then connects them together for verses because all of his songs are about cars, drugs and girls, but it yields amazing results where his songs are just full of incredible couplets that are basically like mottos. Here are my favorites from “Diamonds & Cadillacs”, in random order and in all caps cuz Jackie is a very urgent rapper:

ALL ABOUT MY MAHNEY
SUNGLASSES ARMANI
BOUT TO HOLLER AT THIS BITCH THAT LOOK LIKE GWEN STEFANI

AC BLOWIN
WHOLE TRUNK BOOMIN
BIG BOY SHIT
CHROME GRILL AND WOMAN



Uh, no.

Frankly, I think Jackie Chain resembles the guy from this video:



And here's Jackie Chain's explanation of how he got his name (my name chose me, blah blah blah):



Honorable Mention– Worst Mixtape Name: Holla Burton