Dear Hollywood:

Can we lay off of the neon movie posters for a while? My rods and cones are burning. And two of these are your doing, Taika Waititi!

Some More Unused, Terrible Porn Names

We know what you're up to- you ran away from home to become a porn star in the Valley, right? Right. But along with implants and a haircut, you're gonna need a porn name. Here are a few unused ones that we had lying around because they suck. Help yourself to any of them, and good luck!

HER:

Fürry Elise
Tara Firma (that’s actually a pretty good one)
Anna Lizethis
Annie Leibodicks
Butter Emails
Amber Alert
Daphnetly Infected


HIM:

Broccoli Rob
Non Cum-pete Claus (Christmas only)
Unexpected Item In Bagging Area
Sal Ami
Wee Willie Winkie
Les Miseraballs

Some Paintball Place Has Used Every Hollywood Movie Title Name

Skirmish is some paintball joint up in the Pocono Mountains, and by the looks of it, it is SO MASSIVE that you can get lost and live among the woods and lean-tos for decades until someone finds you. Luckily they supply a handy map to show you where you are. 

Click to enlarge:

What I noticed about the combat area names is that they all seem like movie titles, from Diablo to Cobra to Abyss and Cyclone. In fact, I went so far as to look up every area's name in IMDb, and a vast majority of them were names of existing movies.

So I put a checkmark and a movie poster by every area that was already a movie title.

Click to enlarge:

The only unused names for movie titles were:

• Fort Skirmish

• Tipmann City

• Z Swamp

• Rhodoscape

• Empire Castle

• Air Field

• Farside

• Missile Silo

So if you're an aspiring filmmaker with no ideas, go ahead and build a script around any of these titles.

7 Movie Ideas Based On The Titles From The "Partz" Section of "Thunder Press" Magazine

The much anticipated May 2016 issue of motorcycle mag "Thunder Press" is out, and not surprisingly, the major Hollywood studios, having run completely out of movie ideas, have pounced on the latest issue's regular segment "Partz: All The Things You Can't Do Without" for script ideas for future releases (and possible franchise opportunities). 

Here are the latest green-lit movies already in development:

"Kicked-back Comfort" starring Caitriona Balfe, Alexander Skarsgård and Idris Elba. Directed by Lee Daniels.

A drama/romance set in a lazy small Kentucky town in the the 1930s. A girl from the city (Balfe) traveling to California gets stuck in the town of Comfort and meets a grouchy but mysterious mechanic (Skarsgård), only to fall in love with his co-worker (Elba).  Scoot McNairy plays the racist mayor's son (who is also racist).

"The Hot Setup" starring Kevin Hart, Chadwick Boseman, and Gabrielle Union. Directed by Tim Story.

A small-time hustler (Hart) and his by-the-book cousin (Boseman) get thrown into an international web of intrigue when a CIA agent (Union) leaves a valuable attache in their car. This action-packed urban romp also stars Gary Sinise, Pierce Brosnan, Mark Harmon, and Mel Gibson as CIA/Mi6 agents desperate to get their hands on that package!

"Finished Fins" starring Jason Sudeikis, Glenn Howerton, and Ken Jeong. Directed by Todd Phillips.

Three unlucky boaters on a fishing vacation get more than they bargained for when reports of a meteor crashing to Earth threatens to wipe out humanity. Is it a real threat or a giant hoax? Also starring Jeffrey Tambor as the park ranger. Cameos by Wolf Blitzer and Meghan Kelly.

"Ride The Snake" starring Danny Trejo, Dolph Lundgren and Sienna Miller. Directed by Peter Berg.

A Wyoming horse ranch gets over-run by giant mutant snakes. The two co-owners (Trejo and Lundgren) make the best of the situation and invent a new rodeo sport. Also starring Sam Waterston as the racist mayor.

"Packing A Pair" starring Kat Dennings, Sofia Vergara, Christina Hendricks, Jennifer Love Hewitt, Scarlett Johansson, and Salma Hayek. Two rival lingerie companies fight over their stake in the local wet t-shirt contest before a sexy, slow motion earthquake hits the town. Directed by Adrian Lyne.

"Retro Chic" starring Zooey Deschanel, Aaron Taylor-Johnson and Jerry O'Connell. The hipster capital of Williamsburg, Brooklyn somehow hosts this year's NY Fashion Week, and it's up to an unstylish fashion intern (Taylor-Johnson) and his big brother (O'Connell) to make it the greatest show EVER! Zooey Deschanel plays the quirky hipster fashionista who comes to their aid. Also starring Madonna as Anna Wintour.

"Grab 'N' Go" starring Brad Pitt, Josh Brolin, Saoirse Ronan and Jason Segel. Directed by Neal Brennan.

The employees of the failing convenience store Grab 'N' Go win the lottery, but the TICKET IS STOLEN by the rival strip mall employees across the street! The gang teams up with the guys at the car dealership nearby to reclaim their prize and bring prosperity to their shitty store. Also starring Jeremy Piven as the racist mayor.

"On the Down Low" starring Jennifer Lawrence, Will Ferrell, Ed Helms, and Don Cheadle.

This scathing account of the financial derivatives market (in the vein of "The Big Short") will outrage and appall you. If only you could understand what the hell is going on. Also starring that Hodor guy as a security guard or something.

More Memorable Lines From Movies I Haven't Seen

Previous entries of this amazing segment are here.

Anonymous hacker: "It was only after I got into the NSA's most protected subfolders that all I was downloading was TROUBLE."

Kevin Hart: "No you gotta do it blacker, son."

(Will Ferrell does something very stereotypically black but goofy as a tall caucasian.)

Kevin Hart: "Alright, alright. You'll get it."

Kumiko: "You shitbags better get your cunthooks off my goddamned treasure. I'm talking to both of you bitch-asses. HANDS THE FUCK OFF."

Rob Lowe: "God, you're beautiful when you're twisted."

Young Actress: "What's with the porn glasses? Is this another Direct TV commercial?"

Jean Claude Van Damme: "WHO TOOK MY EARS???!!!"

Ed Harris: "You shut up."

Liam Neeson: "No, you shut up."

Ed Harris: "No, you shut up."

Liam Neeson: "No, I want you to shut up."

Joel Kinnaman: "Guys guys guys..."

Ed Harris & Liam Neeson (to Joel Kinnaman): "SHUT UP!"

Chumming The Slopes With More "Avalanche Shark" Taglines

Yet more unwanted taglines for a movie whose time never came:

Cold, man. That's cold.