3 Intex Inflatable Mattresses And The Type of Handjob They Promise According To Their Package Photos

Intex is one of the finest manufacturers of premium air beds this side of the Mississippi. However, their choice of packaging photography gives a secret signal to single men: you will get a handjob if you buy this. Here now are the different types of handjob you can expect from each size airbed:

SKU: The Index Classic Downy, Queen Size

Handjob Promise: A demure blonde will give you a two-hander but avoid eye contact

SKU: The Pillow Rest Raised Airbed, Dura-Beam Standard, Queen size, 16.5 inch version

Handjob Promise: Fox News's Kimberly Guilfoyle will give you a tugger whilst filling your ears with conspiracy horseshit about liberals and Hillary Clinton. You will not be allowed to plug your ears until after release.

SKU: The Pillow Rest Raised Airbed, Dura-Beam Standard, Queen size, 16 inch version

Handjob Promise: a friendly, peppy candy striper from the hospital will cup your balls and talk to you about the weather. Then she will cry uncontrollably if you ask her about her life at home.

Available at all fine stores everywhere. And Walmart.

A Satisfied Customer

Dad enjoys these little backyard gladiator fights.

"That's right, you little shits. Kill each other for Daddy."

Wake Me Up Before You Pathmarkmark

Special Holiday/Biblical Edition:

Coming Soon To The EADJ Crappinema: "The Casino Job"

What do you get when you have a budget of $45, a bunch of good looking women who make for a decent movie poster but can't act their way out of jury duty, and a DVD so scratched up from the cut-out bin that I'll probably watch it in 15 minutes?


"The Casino Job," written, produced and directed by Christopher Robin Hood. I AM NOT SHITTING YOU, SON:


I'm guessing "Christopher Robin Hood" is the new "Alan Smithee."

Rated R for terrible acting, nipples, and Art Institute-caliber sound mixing.