The Latest McDonald's Happy Meal Prize Toys

 Note: Although this is dated April 1, this is post featuring real McDonald's promotional toys.

The most recent wave of Happy Meal toys is very self referential and arguably UN-fun: Introducing Lil McDonald's, miniature versions of your favorite McDonald's things that you find sitting around McDonald's, but in playable MINIATURE form that you can take home! Great, right? Let's check out these amazing new toys:

Look, the legendary McDonald's broken ice cream machine! And the toy doesn't do anything, JUST LIKE THE REAL THING!

Not to be confused with the ice cream machine is the almost-identical McDonald's CONDIMENT DISPENSER. Who asked for this? Not your kids!

Okay, a Happy Meal on a tray. Fine. Maybe check inside that miniature Happy Meal box for a more fun prize.

Hey, check it out. A drive through order station. Now you can make your Hot Wheels cars pull around and order fast food because they don't have enough time to sit down for a healthier lunch. Fun!

The next few miniatures are possibly the most mystifying toys that no kid is asking for: METHODS OF PAYMENT!

First off, yaaaay, the kiosk in McDonald's that's taken the place of ordering at the counter! Scroll through the menu on a dirty screen to order what would take 5 seconds talking to a real person! Then take a number and sit your ass down!

For those lucky enough to order with a worker at a register, here's the McDonald's register / swipe station. Now Barbie can pay for a Quarter Pounder with Cheese meal with her credit card. Counter and apathetic Mickey D's employee not included.

Look, it's a miniature smart phone loaded with the McDonald's app that they're always asking you to use now when you order so they can track your McDonald's purchase history! This is a BRANDING HEAVEN / DYSTOPIAN NIGHTMARE!

Back After a Six (!) Year Hiatus: CSI EADJ

(Previous CSI: EADJ entries can be found here.)

The forensic team at EADJ is well-rested and finally back to tackle unsolved cases after having observed some of the garbage and junk of New York and New Jersey to reconstruct what they think happened:

CASE 38842:

Location: Newark Airport

Conclusion: a traveling gorilla, desperate to catch his only flight home to the Congo Basin, leaves his lunch behind in a mad dash to get through security. He neglects to tip the Uber driver.

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CASE 38843:

Location: Union, NJ

Evidence: a car parked on what appears to be either a giant yellow macaroon or a plush emoji with the letters "RDAY" on it, surrounded by an empty dime bag and a used lipstick.

Conclusion: After a fun SatuRDAY at a carnival, a female drug user is too distracted and gets run over by a car that was parallel parking.

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CASE 38844:

Location: Vauxhall, NJ

Evidence: what appears to be a large bag of carefully sliced tomatoes suddenly abandoned or violently thrown to the ground. 

Conclusion: A new employee at Subway wants to impress his new bosses by spending all night slicing tomatoes to perfection, only to be greeted by them the next morning with a mop.

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CASE 38845:

Location: Preble, NY

Evidence: a pair of filthy, abandoned Ugg boots and a bottle of Corona in a paper bag

Conclusion: encouraged by the advertisement to "Find Your Beach", a drunk coed imagines herself at a lagoon in Fiji with a breathtaking view when in fact it was just an onramp to Highway 81.

This Week in Hip Hop Awfulness

Here's the latest and greatest in surprising and confusing hip hop mixtape covers:

Arrogant flips the bird to the Earth, grabs his Avatar booty bitch and bags of cash and gets away in a flying saucer. Little does Arrogant know that Na'Vi women don't have genitals and simply connect their ponytail to yours to have sex. Whoopsie!

That's different. A mix tape about your full-time job as a systems analyst for a heating supply company in Lawrenceburg, KY.

I've never been a fan of Gucci Mane, so I damn sure don't want to see his no-talent chump ass spitting rhymes about booty and cars in 3D. 'Wow, I can almost reach out and slap that ice cream cone tattoo off his face!'

Borrowed interest that's 30 years old is still borrowed interest.

Yes, Wiz Khalifa, some of us get the reference. No, it doesn't make any sense.

Okay, Jarren Benton. I am puzzled but impressed.

Bishop Lamont sheds his pope hat for a more sensible Common cap and pretends to be waiting to fly somewhere as he masters Plants Vs. Zombies in a Gaussian blur haze.

Declaring yourself a badass King of New York is one thing. Accidentally associating yourself with a Ugandan guerrilla who abducts children to force them to become sex workers is another.

"Hi there. I'm Wiz Khalifa. You're probably wondering why I'm sitting at the Sears Portrait Studio wearing some lady's real estate blazer. Well, I'm just here to tell you that I remember you. Thanks for listening."