A Bad Visual For a Bad Ad

Pictured below: a web banner for Banatrol (?!?!) where apparently a woman likes to sniff her fingers after having chronic diarrhea.

“Sometimes, when I get nervous, I stick my hands under my armpits and then I smell them like this!” - Mary Catherine Gallagher, SNL

UAG

A Captcha

A lot of people mistake dogs who are panting with "smiling". You should know that, Captcha people. You have dogs, don't you? Some of these dogs may be desperately hot, and instead you think they're A-OK?

You know what? Maybe I won't be downloading this illegal copy of "Bullet Train" from you after all.

We Asked 4 Single Orcs From Middle Earth, "What Do You Look For In A First Date?"

"Well, first off, one of the things I'm definitely not looking for is to be a replacement in a rebound situation. You'd be shocked how many people enter the dating scene too soon!"

- Muzgash, 73

"I like first dates with no pressure. And that can even mean having other people around to keep it light and not too focused on the one-on-one. And if that doesn't count as a date date, sue me!"

- Ohomdud, 89

"I'm a hopeless romantic, so even at my age I'm looking for that spark, you know? That tingly feeling you get when you just click with that special someone. Also, I enjoy disemboweling as an activity."

- Vambag, 136

"I know this won't be a very popular answer, but I put zero faith in first dates; it's on the second and third one where the magic really happens, where you can zero in on someone's vibe and know their rhythms and quirks. It's probably around the fifth date where I reveal that I work for Sauron– not exactly something you advertise on dating apps!"

- Eichelberbog, 94

Some Movie Ideas Based on A Rite Aid Poster For Hand Warmers

Clearly out of ideas, Hollywood's major studios have resorted to a bidding war over who gets to release a feature film based on a display poster for hand warmers at a Rite Aid in New York. Here are their pitches:

20th Century Fox: "Beat The Cold" starring James Marsden, Amy Schumer, Sterling K. Brown and Emily Blunt. A giant yellow asshole appears in the sky, and it's up to four Christmas carolers to bring it down (or at least get it to shut closed).

Sony Pictures: "Warmers" starring Channing Tatum, Jack Black, Rachel McAdams and Giancarlo Esposito. A group of blackballed personal trainers decide to start their own "warm-up" camp and discover a whole new way to inspire a generation of losers. Also starring Josh Gad as the big gym's janitor turned snitch.

Walt Disney Studios: "HOTHANDS WARMERS" starring Jodie Foster, Kurt Russell and Mindy Kaling. A group of friends happen upon an ancient animated artifact that warms hands and hearts. Also starring Michael Stuhlbarg as the evil, meddling scientist.

Universal Pictures (in collaboration with Troublemaker Studios): "Calentadores" starring Selena Gomez, Antonio Banderas, Charlie Day and Michelle Rodriguez. This Hispanic-based story follows four football (aka soccer) fans in Venezuela who suddenly develop super warming powers after being exposed to some toxic waste from a nearby aluminum refinery. Directed by Robert Rodriguez.

Paramount Pictures: "The Cold" starring Viggo Mortensen, Jessica Alba, Sean Hayes, and Crystal Bernard. This survival story recounts the harrowing experience of four friends trapped inside an outdoor stadium after hours. They survive on leftover hot dogs, stale beer and love.

Warner Bros. Pictures: "Green Lantern 2" Completely unrelated to hand warmers, the cold, or four smiling people, Warner Bros. decides to launch a sequel/reboot of the failed Ryan Reynolds movie with even more CG effects, a darker, grittier tone and letting Zack Snyder do whatever the hell he wants. Set to release in 3 months.