Happy Independence Day from Eat a Dick Joel!

To all the Independent Women (and Men) Pt. 1, we at EADJ wish you a happy and safe July 4.

Fun random factoid:

In Destiny’s Child's 1999 song “Independent Women Pt. 1” for the Charlie’s Angels soundtrack, during the bridge, they’re actually singing the melody to Blondie’s “Rapture”. 

Bridge starts at 2:55

EADJ Checks In On You

No, this isn't a special occasion or holiday. There's no EADJ anniversary or even important announcement. We're just checking on you, making sure everything's all right on your end.

Are you good? Do you need anything? You seem a little quiet lately. Maybe you've just been busy with work or school or your marriage. Just wanted to let you know that we've noticed and we're over here in case you ever need us. No pressure.

You short on money? We can spot you a little. Not a lot, but whatever you need till the end of the month.

That's it. You keep doing you, and we'll check in on you later. Your hair looks great, by the way.

Happy Thanksgiving From EADJ!

Eat A Dick Joel would like to wish you and whoever you're shacking up with a happy, healthy, and hearty Thanksgiving. Except you Trump supporters. Fuck all y'all.

Happy Valentine's Day From EADJ!

Guys, here are a few unorthodox ways to celebrate V-Day with your lover:

• Take her to a lavish, expensive dinner, then "forget your wallet."

• Sneak a raw egg into bed during sex, then throw the egg against a wall when you climax. Color her impressed!

• Google "Venice, Italy." Print out a series of photos of Venice that you find. Make a collage board and give it to her. If she asks if you two are going to Venice, tell her yes but hide the damn collage board at your earliest opportunity. Stupid idea!

• Ask her to marry you. If she says yes, get married, live a long happy life with her and raise two beautiful children in the process. If she says no, continue whatever you're doing, champ.

• Present to her flowers stuck in your pee hole.

• Go to the grocery store to make your own homemade "Edible Arrangements" bouquet. Fight off the flies and gnats as you hand deliver that sticky, dripping, disgusting mess to her workplace. Get defensive if the receptionist asks if you want to see her. Notice how the receptionist actually has some pretty sexy legs...

• Eat shit and die (Milo Yiannopoulos only)

UAG

Must be a shitty/busy week when there are two UAG's within 5 days.

UAG

Happy New Dick!

We at EADJ hope you had a good New Year's Eve at home, moodily eating whole cans of Pringles and arguing with your Mom about which channel to watch the big ball drop. Salut!

Curlz Just Wanna Have Font

PROJECT ROSTER: We took a peek in Joel's itinerary to get a sense of what projects Joel has in the running for this week:

• Eat the dick of Xi Shun, the world's tallest man, so that I can stand up for once.

• Screenplay for Hallmark original movie "Chance Meeting in the Cat Toy Aisle."

• Trim that bush

• TV adaptation for "Spider-Man, the All-Black Wearing, Whiney Emo Phase."

• Lunch with Joe Eszterhas at Women's Symposium

• Eat Daniel Baldwin's dick to MAKE THE COLLECTION COMPLETE

• Toss that "King of Queens" script that will never get produced now, dammit

• Carb up for that big non-carb diet

• Start writing that biopic about Rachael Ray starring Rachael Ray as a thinner Rachael Ray

(pictured above, J'Net discovers another café that uses CURLZ!!!!!)