A Bumper Sticker Whoopsie

I was driving in Union, NJ and spotted what I thought was a bumper sticker featuring Subzero from Mortal Kombat.

But upon closer inspection at a stoplight, I saw it was a religious sticker and a dude with black hair and a black turtleneck. 

Whoopsie!

MORTAL ZION!!!!! doesn't have quite the same ring to it.

Burning Questions About Bootaa's 29" Velcro Dartboard Packaging

I was looking at the packaging for this velcro dartboard when I noticed this inset:

BAHAHAHAHAH What the shit is going on here?

• Why is it hanging outside on a tree?

• Why put it outside if the darts are safe velcro balls?

• Why is a 4 year old girl alone outside?

• Is the 4 year old being punished?

• Or does mommy and daddy just need some alone time upstairs?

• Why put so much effort into styling and curling her hair if you're just going to slap a hoodie on her?

• What kind of crap shot is that girl if she almost misses the target from 2 feet away?

• Is this Katniss Everdeen's origin story? (Okay, old reference. Sorry) 

Twitter's Least Used Hashtags: Week of Aug 17

Twitter is still around- mostly as a megaphone for the megalomaniac in the White House. But other people use it, too. And they often use hashtags. Here are some hashtags that they don't often use. Jeez this set-up paragraph sucks.

#anusBedazzler

#tagginggravestonesyo

#2girls1rentalagreement

#didMissPiggygrowacupsize

#overintellectualizingFortnite

#usinghashtagstofindothergreatcontent

#complimentarychefspubes

#puritanbadonkadonk

#shittinginTibet

New (Beta) EADJ Segment: Can We Cut The Shit?

Can we cut the shit?

Can we stop showing fake-ass families in commercials, where the mom and dad are obviously 20-something models who've never even fed a baby, much less raised a kid? Can we stop pretending that they haven't just met each other 10 minutes before shooting and that their awkwardness shows through CLEARLY in the footage?

Can we cut the shit?

"Forget It, Jake, It's Pathmark."

Let's Harangue The Siblings Of the EADJ Mail Sack For No Reason!

Submitted by Chris Stoltz, who said he submitted this before and it was never posted, but he's doing it again:

Never has dick been eaten so Joelly.

Joel was nice enough to lend us a notebook with some screenplays he was working on. The following excerpts are from a recent foray into science fiction:

The year is 2056. Fashionistas have taken over the government. Police in wool pleated cuff trousers and very smart maroon jackets with darts along the sides are rounding up all the unfashionable and shipping them to work camps and sweat shops. Vigilante supermodels, led by Vigilanté, are destroying all food supplies to make the world "slimmer so clothing can hang from them more flatteringly." One chubby man in sweatpants and a Nascar t-shirt hides in a bunker, biding his time...

A crack team of renegade commandos from the future go back in time to present day. Their mission– to warn the world about an upcoming onslaught of cataclysmic proportions. But due to limitations in their technology, they can only warn people through the only means available– through thank you messages embedded in Applebee's dining receipts.

It is a time of great peril. The Earth has been overrun by flying mongoose chimp midget donkey puggles. Not that the flying mongoose chimp midget donkey puggles are of any immediate threat– they're just so darn many of them that it's choking the intakes of every hoverplane in the atmosphere, causing crashes everywhere. And the main problem being that the pilots have milliseconds to warn their co-pilots, "Look out for those flying mongoose chimp midget donkey puggles!"

April 14, 3049: Pizza Hut has successfully vanquished the pagan hordes of Domino's Pizza. Piles of corpses of Domino's delivery men rot before the supreme Red Roof, their Ford Festivas rusting in the uncaring sun. Huge Noid statues topple as the triumphant Hut-men hand-toss their new Blood-of-the-Conquered-Lover's Pizza. Crazy garlic bread sticks are dipped in cavatini-red blood in the parking lot as a lascivious feast for those who have prevailed...

An alternate universe: women have finally become equal to men. They, uh, make as much money as men ha ha ha and they ha ha ha even hold ha ha ha the same positions in government ha ha ha and in business HA HA HA HA ha ha HA HA HA. It's a comedy!

(pictured above, remnants from a bloody Donkey Kong gang war on Damen Avenue)

You Don't Have To Ask Joel Twice.

The following is an actual conversation recorded yesterday via phone:

Chen: Chen's Garden How can I help you

Joel: Hello? I'd like to order some delivery?

Chen: Okay

Joel: One large #609, Beef with Black Bean Garlic Sauce?

Chen: #609

Joel: But could you substitute the beef with dick?

Chen: Dick

Joel: Yes, please. Lots of dick. No beef.

Chen: Beef dick

Joel: No, you stupid fucking chink. Just dick.

Chen: Racist

Joel: Whatever, Chairman Mao. How much?

Chen: Small or large

Joel: LARGE DICK, you slant-eyed FOB.

Chen: What is fob

Joel: FRESH OFF THE BOAT. Learn your goddamned racial slurs!!!!

(click)

Joel: Hello? Hello? I'm sorry Chen! Chennnnnnnnnnnnnn!

-exeunt-

(pictured above, Margaret Powell from Houston wins $6000 when she solves the phrase "PAT A DUCK, JOWL" )