"Fear Is The Pathmark To the Dark Side. Fear Leads To Anger. Anger Leads To Hate. Hate Leads To Suffering."

UAG

From The Studio That Brought You "Battleship" and "He's Just Not That Into You:" "FLEX BELT 3D"

Now that Hollywood is completely out of ideas, having based entire movies on lines of toys and scraps of paper left in Philip K. Dick's bottom drawer, the idea of turning to the pages of the latest issue of SkyMall was a natural next step. 

Paramount Pictures and Universal Studios is proud to present "FLEX BELT 3D" starring Denise Richards, Lisa Rinna, Adrianne Curry and Some Muscled Douche With A Disturbingly Huge Forehead.

T.E.A.M. FLEX BELT is the newest superhero team adaptation- the story of three fairly recognizable C-level celebrities who don magical belts to transform into crime fighting C-level celebrities.

SEE them block the exit to a bank with their hands on their hips to stop a heist!

HEAR the unpleasant velcro sound the belts make when they take them off!

FEEL that one guy's massive forehead- I swear you could balance a keg on it!

Denise Richards stars as Becky Crampon, a sociologist/genetic scientist who uses her tightened abs to defeat ignorance and uninformed hearsay! 

Adrianne Curry stars as Maximillia Kegel, a brassy spitfire Valedictorian from Harvard who bounces at the local bar but wants to clean up the crime of her beloved city with the power of her bleached, shiny taint!

Lisa Rinna stars as Capt. Matrona Cosmeticia, a surgically-altered empath who can read your mind and create powerful forcefields of obscurity around her!

Brian Wade's forehead stars as the front receptionist's desk at T.E.A.M. FLEXBELT'S headquarters. Seriously. Look at that forehead. Banksy could do a mural on that thing.

(click to enlarge the newly released one sheet)

Hell, I'd see that movie.

An Entry All About Kristine Johnson From CBS 2 New York

If you live in the New Jersey/ New York metropolitan area, you're bound to watch the CBS 2 local news with Maurice DuBois (that means "of wood") and Kristine Johnson. They are a very professional and engaging news team and have won many awards in broadcast journalism, but all that has very little to do with how amazingly hot Kristine Johnson is. She is so hot that she is the only person these days who can pull off the "Rachel" haircut.

From her website: 

Kristine Johnson is proud to be a recipient of three Emmy Awards for her part in breaking news coverage of “The Miracle on the Hudson” and the Brooklyn Tornadoes. During her time at CBS 2 she has covered political elections, Pope Benedict’s visit to NYC and several other major breaking news events. She has occasionally broadcast the news wearing a Bon Jovi t-shirt cut to show her midriff and a clear latex cheerleading outfit.

Okay, I made up that last sentence.

In addition to simply reading the news, Maurice and Kristine convert their incredible between-story banter skills to interview local politicians and other schmucks.

Of course, with such universal beauty as Kristine's, it's easy to occasionally see her doppelgangers in other, less dignified contexts.

An IM Convo

Hot off the presses, this is an exchange with Andrew:

That's Not Right, Continental.

Pictured below, a RACIST PLANE.

EADJ Song Hate, Second Edition

Today we hate the song "Margaritaville" by Jimmy Buffett.

This is one of those cases in Song Hate where the song itself isn't all that terrible. The tune is pleasant and memorable but WAY corny. It's essentially a country song, when you think about it: Guy on the beach lamenting about a lost love. Simple rhyming structure "cake, bake; salt, fault." Then after pondering all his troubles, the beach bum realizes it's his "own damn fault." Yay.

But all in all, it's an average song, not terribly offensive. But here's the deal: the people who LOVE that song really make me HATE that song. I believe they refer to themselves as "Parrotheads." They're the ones at a bar who get excited as soon as they hear those first five xylophone notes and raise their Coronas. Then they sing it out loud like it's the greatest drinking song ever. They also adopt this "aw shucks," "why can't we all just relax and hang loose" approach to life. But instead of truly being cool and hanging back, they foist that shit on YOU and confront you with why you're the uptight one, because suddenly they've got a license to be a drunken asshole.



True, I've personally been a drunken asshole A LOT. But we're not talking about me, so suck on it. I'm a straight up, traditional drunk. But this here is inexcusable:


So we retire "Margaritaville" to the rafters of time. Take it off the radio forever, take off the grass skirts and let's get back to getting stuck in traffic on the overpass. Amen.


If you really wanted to, you could buy the song here.

Fresh Direct Tuesday: Indian-Spiced Lentil & Quinoa Ragout w/ Roasted Vegetables, or Slumdog Millionaire, The Microwavable Dish

Our week of bad continues with a visit to the east: today we try some Indian food!


The kitchen on 21 was again empty, so there were plenty of entrées to choose from in the machine. Sweet. When it came to Indian, I had a choice between the Indian-Spiced Lentil & Quinoa Ragout w/ Roasted Vegetables or the Twix bar.


Same old drill as yesterday. 3 minutes. But as the 2 minute mark hit, there was a STRONG onion smell seeping out of the microwave. I felt really bad for the people who work in the nearby cubicles. I figured I should eat this thing outside.


I was pleasantly surprised that this time, the entrée wasn't almost 1000 calories. Way less sodium, too. You go, Fresh Direct East!


So I smelled up the elevator down to the lobby and sat outside with all the unhappy smokers. And this time, the six minutes it took going down there was enough to let the food cool off. So, yay for my mouth.



It was all neat, symmetrical, and orderly like a still life painting. But once I dug my fork in to get the lentils ragout underneath, it got ugly. A geiser of rank onion and garlic punched me in the nose and took my wallet. Imagine the crotch area of a fisherman's waders, then add some fermented onions and hobo fillings made of cheese, and you'll start to get a sense of how it smelled.


Okay. Truth be told, this wasn't that bad. Although it was pungent and sinus-clearing, the ragout, broccoli, chick peas, and carrots were tasty. I ate most of it, in fact. But I drew the line at essentially putting every bad-smelling vegetable in my mouth. That was she said.


The stench from the dish caused even the most die hard smokers to quit and go back inside, and some curious pigeons nearby wondered how they ended up in the local dump.


I tried sharing some of this delicious Fresh Direct food with my feathered friends:



Shortly after I turned the camera off, one of the pigeons said, "Dude, not cool."



So it wasn't a total culinary disaster like yesterday's Chicken and Cheese Cannelloni. But it did stink up the building, elevator, lobby, outdoor plaza, and adjacent Duane Reade store. Now when I get home the wife is going to think I fell in wet garbage again.

Overall rating: F

Ayana is just plain AWESOME.

But pretty much any costume besides Denise Levin stapling leaves to her sweatshirt and muttering, "I'm Fall" is a good one. Bravo Ayana!