UAG

UAG

Here Are Your Timesheets For The Week of Whatever Date This Is

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Hi all!

Sorry for the email gibberish. I don't know how to remove it! This is Grace from reception, and Mr. Peterman has charged me with reminding everyone that timesheets are due by the end of this week! He says this is very important for each and every one of you to do to keep billing up to speed, and I'm sure all of you can do it! So if you need a job code for doing your timesheet today or tomorrow, just look for it on the following list, and THANK YOU!!!!!!!!

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328573: Thinking up a nice, folksy analogy

572599: Arguing feebly how saying "All Lives Manner" isn't racist

238151: Relearning that Soulja Boy dance

992856: Sucking up to Ernie Hudson

611053: Rubbing one out in the supply closet

035125: Cleaning up the supply closet

247255: Making you my bitch

725595: Restructuring polling districts to favor your candidate

383833: Explaining to a novice rapper that "burying the beef" isn't a sexual thing

605112: Sucking the clear gelatin from a can of Vienna sausages through a straw

931753: Googling cheat codes for 2048

Twitter's Least Used Hashtags, Week of February 1

We're not sure why you're on Twitter- it's kind of dumb. But since you are, you may use the following unused hashtags in any of your misguided political rants/promotions/rumor-mongering:

#Idliketostabthepuzzle

#Whitneyshowreunion

#allthreeboobsarereal

#grrrrrrrrrrrpancakes

#ginghamlatexbodysuit

#SammySosaeatingSamosas

#americanpoliticaldiscourse

#CheesecakeFactorychildlabor

#losinglotterytickettapeparade

#franticallyhidingdingleberries

#unenthusiasticBernieSanderssupporter

#mashingmygenitalsagainstsaladbarsneezeguards

I'm Not Sure Exactly What's Wong With Me.

THIS IS AN OUTRAGE

I got my Entertainment Weekly in the mail the other day and noticed something very, very wrong about the ad on the back.


Unlike other versions of this "Client List" ad featuring Jennifer Love Hewitt, I did not feel the strong urge to motorboat it. Was there something wrong with me?


No. The fact is, this EW ad was censored. Instead of the former "Party Of Five" actress's buxom bosom pouring out of her bodice like two pink water snake toys, some Puritan at the Entertainment Weekly news desk demanded that her chest be covered. After all, this is a wholesome magazine covering the popular erotic novel, "Fifty Shades of Grey."


Actually, my theory is that the publishers told the Lifetime Channel marketing team that they could get the high-profile back cover, but only if they sacrifice some cleavage and Photoshop some more material on Morty and Chet. That, my friends, is what is known as a Faustian bargain.

Click It Or Ticket!

Law enforcement agencies throughout the country will be cracking down on unbuckled motorists and their passengers as part of the annual “Click It or Ticket” campaign. The catchy campaign has been very successful for the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration; last year, the seatbelt usage rate in New Jersey alone rose for the 13th consecutive year. As a result, government agencies are scrambling to replicate this program's success. Here are just a few of the newly-proposed efforts:

"Wicket or Picket"


The U.S. Department of The Treasury has suggested that due to a flagging economy, people should invest their money in either buying a home (thus the "picket fence")– which will be guaranteed to appreciate over time– or in providing or caring for Wicket W. Warrick, a curious, adventurous Ewok from the forest moon of Endor. Young Wicket will teach Americans about living in concert with the environment, saving money by recycling, and battling gigantic two-legged Imperial scout walkers with logs and rope. Logs and rope.

"Frigate or Stick It"


How will chartering a three-mast, 18th Century warship help school kids? The U.S. Department of Education says by forcing them to work as a team to rig the masts, load and fire the 28 carriage-mounted guns, and maintain and clean the crew's quarters on the "berth deck." Those kids too weak or unwilling to live and die on the high seas can alternately watch the 2006 MTV-funded gymnastics movie "Stick It," which teaches the exact same lessons.

"Limpet or Tikrit"


The U.S. Department of Transportation has suggested that every citizen rent and watch the 1964 Don Knotts comedy "The Incredible Mr. Limpet," wherein mildmannered Henry Limpet experiences his fondest wish of being transformed into a fish and assists the US Navy in hunting German submarines during World War II. This program, they say, will encourage good citizenry and even get more people to enlist for the military to be deployed to Tikrit, Iraq. Critics of this controversial recruitment program are quick to point out that Tikrit is actually pronounced tik-REET.

"Quick Chek or Briquette"


Actually, I'm fresh out of ideas now. Nothing to read here. I'm surprised you made it this far. This entire entry was pure bullshit. So, congratulations, you outlasted me. Dick.

Every Luxury Car Ad Ever

(Classy but modern but non-threatening electronic music. Think US3 meets Royksopp)

Open on loving shot of luxury car zooming down a desert road.

SMUG, OLDER WHITE MALE VO: When design meets engineering...

The camera pans lovingly over the luxury car to show another side of it, but instead of a desert road, it is now magically IN A CITY!!!!

SMUG, OLDER WHITE MALE VO: And precision meets art...

The camera continues to pan lovingly over the luxury car to the back. And now the cityscape has magically transformed into a HILLY, WINDING ROAD!!!! HOW DO THEY DO THAT?!

SMUG, OLDER WHITE MALE VO: The result is magnificent luxury, wrapped in the engineering excellence of safety and comfort...

The camera zooms magically THROUGH THE BACK WINDOW into the car interior and over the driver's shoulder. HOLY SHIT, NOBODY HAS EVER SEEN THAT CAMERA MOVE BEFORE!

SMUG, OLDER WHITE MALE VO: Not to mention power. And performance. And handling. And craftmanship.

Cut to smug white guy (or smug white woman) driving. Cut to foot hitting the pedal. Cut to car zooming fast down the road with tiny legal type: "Professional Driver on closed course. Do not attempt. Please obey local traffic laws. Not a real car."

(Music right then kicks into higher tempo classy electronic music– think Justice meets Goldfrapp)

SMUG, OLDER WHITE MALE VO: Add a 4.3-liter V8 engine with Induction Control and six-speed sequential-shift transmission, and you've got yourself the ultimate in luxury sleek styling and...God, I can't do this anymore. It's just a bunch of the same crap words shuffled a different way! It's all so meaningless, the fact that I...

LOGO

Quirky, Indeed.

Pictured below, John Reid finds a familiar face at the Barnes & Noble.

Big sigh of relief.

Joel lucked out this week. Big time.

First, he lost over $15,000 to Michael Vick in Atlanta at some "dog competition." But when he went to his car to write a check, the police busted into the Vick mansion and arrested everyone. Score!

Joel then found himself the winner of a new Porsche 4-door Panamera for being the 100th caller at KROQ. The sleek, 18-foot long monstrosity boasts a V8 engine, CD player and cup holders!

Joel's chimp servant Chad Yarborough was cleaning the crawlspace and uncovered an ancient Mayan artifact that makes time stop. So not only does the artifact give Joel free rein at the Perkin's Family Restaurant buffet, it also provided Joel with a great idea for his next terrible screenplay! But where's the love interest?

And it was pure dumb luck that kept Joel from eating the tainted dick left in his refrigerator crisper. It had been contaminated with some poon tang earlier in the week and could have caused some serious gastric events in Joel's delicate consitution. Lucky lucky!

(pictured above, some weird shit that Jessica cobbled together)