Can You Say Goodbye To Stuff? Let's Say Goodbye To Stuff Together!

Goodbye! Goodbye! So long! Goodbye! Goodbye!

Dunder Mifflin Be Hustlin'

Spotted on FB, Kevin and Angela peddle graph paper. GRAPH PAPER.

So I can only imagine now that there are architects, scientists, and math teachers who not only need graph paper but are familiar with "The Office". There's probably a Venn diagram I could make about it. Too bad it doesn't require GRAPH PAPER.

We're Not Done Yet: More Hallmark Christmas Droppings Offerings

I know we said earlier we wouldn't bother writing up all these Hallmark Christmas movies. But that was then, and this is now. Here are the latest Christmas TV movies you could watch while eating a pint.

*Editor's Note: TRUE STORY: I pulled all of these off of Hallmarkchannel.com, and before I was finished writing this entry, TWO MORE MOVIES were posted.

"Christmas at Cartwright's" starring Alicia Witt (again?!) Wallace Shawn & Gabriel Hogan

The unlikely story of a department store elf (Witt) who falls in love with the single father of a kid who's convinced she's really an elf. Plot twist: the father is actually a serial killer.

"One Christmas Eve" starring Anne Heche

A dog adopted by a loving family meticulously insinuates himself into every family discussion, lending his two cents even though nobody asked for it and going so far as telling outside family members they were talking about about what they were saying and why.

"Christmas Under Wraps" starring Candace Cameron-Bure, Brian Doyle-Murray, Robert Pine and David O’Donnell.

The employees of a failed photo studio strike financial gold when the perfect holiday backdrop is delivered mistakenly to their mailbox. It's a CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!

"Debbie Macomber's Mr. Miracle" starring Rob Morrow

Spoiler: look at the guy's shadow to the right. BOOM!

"Best Christmas Party Ever" starring J. Crew female model and JC Penney male model.

Christ, does every fucking man have to wear a suit in these shitty movies?

"The Christmas Parade" starring AnnaLynne McCord and Jefferson Brown

A prostitute on the run from the mob encounters a drug dealer with a heart of gold who lets her snort crank for a handjob or two. (Rated ME for strong language)

Jack Bauer, Pun Cop

The following takes place between 11:00am and 12:00pm.

Events occur in real time.

Bing bong, bing bong, bing bong, bing bong...

"Chloe, I need you to decrypt the files I've taken from a thumb drive I picked off a terrorist's corpse."

"Scanning, Jack. Uploading the first three."

"Hmm. Nothing there. Just lazy food-related puns. This isn't the information we need to stop the virus bomb, Chloe. What else have you got? I need something I can act on."

"Stand by, Jack."

"Is that a real beer? Jesus."

"It was found by an agent Barry Flanik, sir."

"I don't know who that is. Send me more as it comes, Chloe, I have to rappel off this bridge."

"Chloe, what is this?"

"It's a screenshot from a news program, Jack."

"I know that. These puns are getting worse. We have to locate that virus bomb, Chloe!"

"I'm doing my best, Jack!"

"'Squeeze the Day?!' 'Give Peeps a Chance?!' Things are way worse than I thought they were, Chloe. This effects the whole damn city. We have to triangulate where the signal is coming from and tell the police to evacuate from a six block radius!"

"Dear God. They've gotten an entire city bus. Move move move!"

"Jack, here comes another one."

"Chloe, I can't read that. I've been shot in the stomach. Lost a lot of blood. Tell me how bad the pun is."

"Pretty bad, Jack. There were two of them. Okay, I've isolated the signal and have pinpointed the location along with another file! Uploading now!"

"Is that even a pun, Chloe? Railroads use ties, not rivets. I think that one is a reach."

"Sorry, Jack. I'm just a little frazzled trying to type while being shot at in the Turkistan embassy."

"Just stay cool, Chloe. I'm sure the S.W.A.T. team is on the way."

Bing bong, bing bong, bing bong, bing bong…

"What the hell is this, Chloe?! This is no good! It's a six month old signal, from CHRISTMAS!!! WE'VE LOST THE TRAIL!!!! DAMMIT!"

Bing bong, bing bong, bing bong, bing bong…

An Imagined Conversation.

"So dude, which insect repellent should I get, the Cutter Skinsations Ultra Light or the Cutter Advanced Sport?"
(long silence)
"When were you going to tell me you were gay?"

Butterscotch Gets Some

John Reid took it upon himself to post a personals ad on behalf of Butterscotch on Craigslist in the "Casual Encounters" section, the dating equivalent of the Mos Eisley spaceport. Here is the ad:

Butterscotch is Yummy!!!!1!!! - w4m

I am a life-sized plush pony that loves to be groomed and cared for. I have many features similar to that of a real pony, including moving eyes, ears and head, soft fur coat and a swishing tail. Through sensors, I can feel when I am being groomed and I will move my head toward you, and may whinny and snort. The more you touch me, the happier I become. Just like a real pony, I love carrots and can be "fed." Hold the pretend carrot to my face, and I will open my mouth for it, or shake my head "no" if I have had enough. You can even sit on Butterscotch and I will make walking sounds. Measures 39" tall. Requires 6 "D" batteries (not included). Adult assembly required. Holds up to 80 pounds.

* it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

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And the response John got was prompt and did not disappoint.


From ins0mnyacsdr33m@xxxxx.com
Is all of that one large innuendo or just a really misplaced ad???
Either way, considering the context, it's really entertaining.

From "celery sticks"
should i get carrots AND butterscotch?

From "Damien B" damien@xxxxx.com
My name is, Damien.
I live in brooklyn Im 6'2" and I'm in college at the moment

If your interested you can hit me back up.




From "KT" backbloodfuge@xxxx.com
damn, that's the hottest posting I've ever read. I have a saddle sitting here and a riding crop waiting to be put to use. you game?
Be my butterscotch

From wowoy@xxxx.com
Hey,
I loved your post. But where are those sensors? and how much hair do
you really have :)

And then, inevitably, the posting was taken down.

"Your posting has been flagged for removal. Approximately 98% of postings removed are in violation of craigslist posting guidelines."