The ProofrEADJer: February Edition

"Adorpion?"

What Morgan Freeman's Disembodied Heads Were Thinking In All Those Movie Posters, Part II

This is a continuation of a segment posted in March. Feel free to read these thoughts in Morgan Freeman's dulcet baritone.

"Ah, yes. In the catbird seat, next to Ferris Bueller and Malcolm X. Better not get pricked by those bayonets, though."

"You know, this might be the very first time I've seen the actor's heads in the same sequence as the names listed. Truly, truly remarkable."

"Ah. Claiming upper right hand territory again. Wait, are we three just thoughts in Matthew McConaughey's head?"

"Upper left this time. Hmm. Interesting. Doesn't feel natural. And that miniature lady better not grab my boobs, too."

"Alright, upper right! Almost the entire poster, actually. Overdoing it."

"I look sad, but I am absolutely thrilled to be upper right corner."

"Shoot, upper left this time. I shouldn't complain, though–some poor soul's head got cut off behind me."

"Ahhhhhhhhhhh. Home."

"What the fuck, people?! What am I doing in this dang lower right quadrant?! Patently unacceptable!"

"I do like my name big like that. But 2 Keanus (actually, more like 1.5) is more than I can handle."

"SOMEBODY TELL THAT LITTLE UNKNOWN GIRL THAT SHE'S SITTING IN MY SPOT."

"This feels right. Oh, shit. Is that my dandruff?"

"That's not me, you racist bloggers."

"Okay, upper right corner secured. Not exactly 'disembodied' like the title says, but I'll allow it."

How To Tell Apart The Different Gangs In Massachusetts

If there's one thing Massachusetts is known for, it's the roving, lawless gang activity. Here is a helpful guide for you to navigate the different violent MA turfs:

1) Greater Boston
gang color:  blue
These inner city thugs will shoot at you from a *pahked cah.*

2) North of Boston
gang color: yellow
Ways they will fuck you up: report you to their homeowner's association

3) Saints of Greater Merrimack Valley
gang color: spring yellow
Main hustle: scalping Red Sox tickets, printing rummage sale flyers

4) Bristol County "The BC"
gang color: forest green
Fave drank: pumpkin spice lattes

5) Plymouth County Brotherhood
gang color: Caucasian green
Gang sign: signal for "we're ready for our check, waiter"

6) Cape Cod Crips
gang color: Pantone 629 (Coated)
Illegal activities: saving a table at a buffet when the sign clearly states to get food first

7) Martha's Muthafuckin Vineyard
gang color: aqua
Weapon of choice: wine corkscrew rabbit

8) Nantucket Islanders
gang color: navy blue
Fun fact: Nantucket is a town, a county, and an island. YOU DO NOT FUCK WITH THAT.

9) "The MW Rough Riders" - MetroWest
gang color: lavender
Most frequent crime: sneaking a free refill at Blimpies

10) Johnny Appleseed's Apostles
gang color: light pink
Gang initiation rite: plant a series of apples along a country road; kill a guy

11) "Centurions" from Central Mass
gang color: barney purple
Favorite hang out: any brick oven pizza place in the area

12) Kings of Greater Springfield
gang color: puce
Popular firearm: Wellspring Grocery pricing gun

13) Hampshire County Bastards
gang color: khaki
Main hustle: getting you to validate their parking even if they didn't buy anything from your store

14) Franklin County Homeboys
gang color: a mix of lavender, puce, barney purple and pink
Number of members: same enrollment number as the Kiwanis Club

15) Berky-Berk Berkshires
gang color: coppertone
Common criminal activity: using expired Groupons

16) Mohawk Trail Mohawks (not to be confused with the Mohawk Native Americans, because that would be racist)
gang color: perforated line
Last known location: wilderness check cashing joint in Clarksburg

Forty Ways To Leave Your Lover Pray Lent

1) Just turn on the guilt, Wilt

2) Learn how to pray, Ray

3) Get down on your knees, Reese

4) Stop eating meat on Fridays, Pete on Fridays

5) Open your heart to God, Todd

6) Learn how to connect with God in solitude, Evinrude

7) Have some faith, Faith

8) Open yourself up to Grace, Willie Mays

9) Learn humility, Dee

10) Pray for mercy, Percy

11) Ask for forgiveness, Ingres

12) Contemplate, Kate

13) Remember the spirit of Lent, Kent

14) Learn to trust the Lordy, Gordy

15) Testify on your behalf, Jeff

16) Evangelize, Plies

17) Get filled with the spirit, Garrett

18) Learn to believe, Steve

19) Give all your soul, Noel

20) Walk in God's path, McGrath

21) Learn about service, Pervis

22) Commit yourself to devotion, Billy Ocean

23) Follow Jesus, Beezus

24) Feel God's presence, Nemitz

25) Throw yourself upon the altar, Walter

26) Read a lot of Scripture, Mitch-er

27) Rest on the Sabbath-a, Tabitha

28) Ask for Him to cleanse you, Lorenzu

29) Anticipate the Rapture, Baxter

30) Recite the Apostle's Creed, Reid

31) Walk in His shadow, Rachel Maddow

32) Fast when you can, Dan

33) Don't judge your peers, Piers

34) Testify, Guy

35) Sing some Psalms, Holmes

36) Pray for wisdom, Idiot

37) Confess your trespasses, Onassis

38) Strive to live humbly, Humphrey

39) Swallow your pride, Clyde

40) Reassess your life decisions and reconcile, Kyle

We're Not Done Yet: More Hallmark Christmas Droppings Offerings

I know we said earlier we wouldn't bother writing up all these Hallmark Christmas movies. But that was then, and this is now. Here are the latest Christmas TV movies you could watch while eating a pint.

*Editor's Note: TRUE STORY: I pulled all of these off of Hallmarkchannel.com, and before I was finished writing this entry, TWO MORE MOVIES were posted.

"Christmas at Cartwright's" starring Alicia Witt (again?!) Wallace Shawn & Gabriel Hogan

The unlikely story of a department store elf (Witt) who falls in love with the single father of a kid who's convinced she's really an elf. Plot twist: the father is actually a serial killer.

"One Christmas Eve" starring Anne Heche

A dog adopted by a loving family meticulously insinuates himself into every family discussion, lending his two cents even though nobody asked for it and going so far as telling outside family members they were talking about about what they were saying and why.

"Christmas Under Wraps" starring Candace Cameron-Bure, Brian Doyle-Murray, Robert Pine and David O’Donnell.

The employees of a failed photo studio strike financial gold when the perfect holiday backdrop is delivered mistakenly to their mailbox. It's a CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!

"Debbie Macomber's Mr. Miracle" starring Rob Morrow

Spoiler: look at the guy's shadow to the right. BOOM!

"Best Christmas Party Ever" starring J. Crew female model and JC Penney male model.

Christ, does every fucking man have to wear a suit in these shitty movies?

"The Christmas Parade" starring AnnaLynne McCord and Jefferson Brown

A prostitute on the run from the mob encounters a drug dealer with a heart of gold who lets her snort crank for a handjob or two. (Rated ME for strong language)

***IMPORTANT WEBSITE UPDATE***

Eat A Dick Joel has learned that Pewter Bear- that despicable, shallow, miserable wretch of an irregular, minor character- had taken over the website yesterday, offering free hugs and watered down content to suit its particularly horrible tastes.

We assure you that the following steps have been made to remedy this intrusion.

• All "Pewter Bear" search tags have been removed from Google. In fact, if you type "Pewter Bear" in you search bar now, a graphic photo of eyeball surgery becomes your desktop wallpaper.

• Pewter Bear has lost all access to EADJ editing and posting. In addition, we have seized Pewter Bear's bank accounts and even shut down his Netflix and Hulu Plus accounts. We have ordered his cable company to repossess all cable boxes from his home, which has been put into foreclosure by his bank. Edward Snowden will now be granted immunity to come live in his house with no pants on.

• All of Pewter Bear's XBox Achievements and Medals have been deleted.

• Pewter Bear's name has been legally changed to "Simpering Shitfuck, III"

• The market value of pewter has been dropped to -$568.31/oz. It actually costs you to own any pewter whatsoever!

• Pewter Bear's segment "Stuffed Animal Reviews" has been changed to "Hooker Armpit Farts."

• All previous mentions of Pewter Bear in previous entries have been removed and replaced with an ASCII file of Ryan Reynolds. This is far less annoying.

• This list is a "living document," guaranteed to grow as soon as we think up some other shit to do to him. Fuck Pewter Bear.

Act Like You Pathmark

Announcing: EADJ's Mission To Spot All Of The Avengers On The Subway

Iron Man. Thor. Black Widow. Captain America. The Hulk. And Hawkeye.
You'd think none of them would take the subway. Especially after having wrecked the shit out of Manhattan in that last movie.

But that hasn't stopped us from keeping an eye out for them on the New York Subway system, and recently we've been lucky enough to have already spotted a couple of "Earth's Mightiest Heroes."


IRON MAN

 

His name is synonymous with mechanical genius. If anyone could invent a power source to both fuel a battle exo-suit and a special electromagnet to keep shrapnel out of one's heart, it's Tony Stark.

 

Here Tony takes the 7 shuttle from the Stark Tower to Times Square to possibly have cocktails with some sexy supermodels before coming home to Pepper. You'll notice part of the Mark 42 armor on his right knee. He was apparently waiting for the other pieces to fly to him. Note: depression is often a side effect of extreme alcoholism.

HAWKEYE

Hawkeye is considered one of the more talented archers in the Avengers, if not the best. And although he lacks superpowers, he is at the very peak of human conditioning. Hawkeye (real name Clint Barton) is an exceptional fencer, acrobat and a grandmaster marksman, having been trained from childhood in the circus and by the criminals Trick Shot and Swordsman.

 

Here Clint is catching up on some emails. Note the Apple computer, his sly nod to William Tell.

 

So that's two down, four more to go. We feel like Nick Fury rounding 'em all up!

Stay tuned, true believers, as we continue to search for all The Avengers on the New York transit line!

Spooky Souvenirs

Spotted in New York souvenir shops:

Some postcards with repurposed old photos of the New York skyline with the World Trade Center towers ghosted. That's tasteful.

Hollywood Continues To Scrape The Bottom Of The Seed Bin

As has been reported before, Paramount, United Artists, Columbia Pictures, Sony Pictures, and 20th Century Fox have all run out of movie ideas, so in desperation they have sent scouts to the seed section of the Stop 'N Shop supermarket in Union, New Jersey to drum up some new possible feature film properties. Here now are the most recent optioned films:

"Shasta Daisy" starring Jason Statham and Jaime Pressly

After having witnessed the assassination of a city official, a stripper named Shasta (Pressly, natch) must hide out from the faceless government goons with the help of her co-worker/bouncer/ex-boyfriend Kurt Daisy (Statham). Along the way they discover they're not that different from each other in what they want from life. Also staring Alfred Molina as Mayor Romero Costas.

"Sweet Basil" starring Rachel McAdams, Ryan Gosling and directed by Nick Cassavetes

The cast and director of the "Notebook" reunite in this incredibly romantic Nicolas Sparks-ish adaptation of a seed packet label. McAdams plays Basil, a young woman forced to work in the gardening section of Home Depot because she cannot run a register worth a damn. Gosling plays her understanding manager who shows her the beauty in gardening and the outdoors. Also featuring Geoffrey Arend as a really dickish customer and Stanley Tucci as himself.

"Four O' Clocks" starring Tom Hanks, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Julie Bowen and Dax Shepard.

This futuristic thriller captures the lives of four Information Collectors as they race against their respective clocks to find the source of the enigma anomaly glitch. Featuring special effects by Industrial Light & Magic and also starring Ron Eldard as a future cop and Lance Reddick as a world-weary time traveler who knows the end of this dumb movie already.

"Cosmos" starring Sean Bean, Jennifer Connelly and Armie Hammer

A gay man (Bean) joins the space academy at NASA in 1966, only to find rampant homophobia. Through courage, determination and a plethora of rocket jokes, he and his fake "wife" (Connelly) show the system that it's okay to be gay. Even in space. Armie Hammer plays Sean Bean's "friend."

"Alyssum" starring Matt Damon and Jodie Foster

Set in the year 2154, where the very wealthy live on the man-made space station Alyssum while the rest of the population resides on a ruined Earth, a man (Damon) takes on a mission that could bring equality to the polarized worlds.

Wait. They already made this.