BTW

His name is not Franken Berry. He's Franken Berry's Monster.

Spotted at An Art Festival

Pro tip: When running a food business, try to avoid the word “anus” in your Instagram handle.

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If We Nominate Pathmark, We Will Get Destroyed.......And We Will Deserve It.

EADJ Fun Activity Corner

Look at all the screenshots for the mobile game Campus Life and try to find a single picture of a fucking book. Bet you can't!

Screenshots are dated 2013. I can't believe I waited 7 years to post this shit.

We Need To Talk About Ginge

I got this postcard in the mailbox a few months ago- not stamped, which means she DROPPED IT IN MY MAILBOX. This extremely enthusiastic real estate agent Sarah "Ginge" Calhoun seems nice but is coming on too strong, like a divorcée at speed dating.

Witness:

1) getting familiar fast with the nickname thing

2) YOU + ME + WE

3) the word "love" is bolded three times

4) oversharing of all contact information

5) an invitation to tea

Now, I'm sure Ginge is a lovely person and perhaps a darn good real estate agent, but she might need to pump the brakes a little for my comfort. I'm not even looking to sell my house or buy a new one, and I already feel like she'd show up at my door at 8am ready to talk MIDCENTURY MODERN HOMES AND HO INSURANCE. Worse yet, I feel like if I ever tried to go with another real estate agent, she'd boil my rabbit.

Ease up, Ginge!

The Palpable Desperation of Safeway Brand Breakfast Cereals

"Hey, I'm a magical creature, too! And look, I've got orange triangles, purple moons, green wedges, yellow...uh...semicircles? Hey, where are you going?"

"I too am a jungle creature, but look at me using my TONGUE instead of my NOSE to find these Silly Circles (No, they're not supposed to be flies; don't be sick)!"

"Hey, you nearsighted grandpa, reach for me over here! That's it! Don't look too closely!"

"Hey, did you know? The expensive cartoon character FLINTSTONE evolved from green generic monkeys like me! And pebbles came from nuggets! It's true! Ask the Smithsonian!"

"Yarrr! Nautical theme over here! I'm not in the military but lookit all these crazy tentacles, son! Don't cry, this cereal is just as good as when your Dad had a job! :("

"I give up."

Presenting The Newest Buddy Comedy Series: "Honey & Joy"

Move over, "How I Met Your Mother!" Step aside, "Modern Family!" Go fuck yourself, "Two Broke Girls" (No really, go fuck yourself- you're terrible)! There's a new comedy series out, and guess what- IT'S ACTUALLY A COMMERCIAL!!! Just imagine "Laverne and Shirley" if Shotz Beer really existed, or "Perfect Strangers" if Balki's island of Mypos really existed (Google it). Then take away the sharp comedy writing, and add a more begrudging laugh track!

Watch the trailer to the series here:

bitbop.com/honey is a dead URL already! Why!

Watch this series and you too can make very obscure pop culture quotes like "Ladies, we're rock stars. We don't speak cereal." "You got carbs on my face!" or "No high fiving in the break room!"

The production value is poor, although I think a cheapo sitcom look is what they were going for. The acting is corny sitcom-my, which is what I guess they were going for. And a lot of the actors are kind of chubby, which I'm not sure is the intent or a result of the cereal being on set.

Here's Episode 1

And here's Episode 2

Here's Episode 3

Want more? Here's Episode 4 featuring special guests Ok Go. Yes, really.

Episode 5 is here (why do you keep watching these?)

Can't forget Episode 6

Episode 7. Sigh.

Episode 8? Sure.

And here's the unaired Episode 9.

The Confusing, Terrifying and Tragic World of Ghetto Cereal

All kids love cereal, but because of the bad economy due to a Socialist Muslim President and not because thousands of corporations are outsourcing jobs to cheaper labor overseas, their parents cannot always afford to grab the name brand stuff. Here now is a quick rundown of the versions of your favorites that supermarkets have served up for cheap:

Crisp Crunch

Food Lion decided to demote the Cap'n and turn him into a dinosaur/lizard thing with striped arms, a Harry Potter scar on his nose, a wifebeater and a trendy trucker hat with the supermarket's initials on it. "Crisp" certainly looks less crazy than the Cap'n but looks like he's more comfortable washing dishes or snaking your toilet. Plus he votes Republican.

Alt: "Crisp" is also a hairy turtle who sits in a disco hot tub full of cereal and eats it.

Alt 2: Krunch Heads kept the nautical theme, but their mascot is a seal/hippo thing that never got promoted. Probably because he's too dumb to realize that he's trying to ladle cereal with a tiny spoon.

Fruit Rings

A fruity multicolored toucan has been morphed into a multicolored dragon. "Follow your fire-breathing snout!" doesn't have the same ring to it. Fruit Rings is a pretty lame name, wouldn't you say, Food Lion?

Alt: Toons Fruit Rings uses a hobo clown juggling cereal. Yeah, I want a vagabond train rider touching my breakfast with their bare hands. Thanks.

Alt. 2: Fruity Hoops. Temmy (Temmy?!) opts for another reptilian alternate, an alligator who simply can't wait for the milk to finish pouring before diving in. Fucking chill, man!

Berrry Treets

The Cap'n gets another shore leave as he's replaced by a red bear/dinosaur creature who can't spell for shit.

Frosted Flakes

It's a good thing that "Frosted Flakes" isn't copyrighted, because that allows supermarkets to simply swap the tiger out for a lion and confuse customers into buying their version.

Magic Stars

Lucky the Leprechaun is swapped out for a fat genie in a bathrobe, who also has magical powers and has a piercing he'd like to show you when you have the time. No thanks, Star Man.

Apple Dapples

Once again, Food Lion throws a dragon in there from a lack of imagination. No, wait. Is that a green rhino? Putting the cereal on his valuable, much-poached front horn? Okay, that is adorable.

KOO-KIES!

Everybody knows that raccoons like sorting through garbage cans, looking for half eaten chicken bones or cantaloup rinds and not minding touching used maxi pads. This raccoon (who apparently really liked the Charlotte Hornets) gets his filthy, disgusting claws all over cereal in the shape of cookies. 

Cocoa Crunchies

Trading in Sonny, an apoplectic bird for a friendlier, huggable gorilla seems to have paid off, almost every box of Coca Crunchies has been lapped up. Good on ya, Food Lion!

Confruity Crisp

Jesus Lord. I know Food Lion wanted to stay prehistoric with a Fruity Pebbles knock-off, but this mutant velociraptor stirring the bowl makes me want to scream and stomp on it. And "Confruity?!" I'm really confruited by that name.

Honorable Mentions

"Am I Buzz Bee from Honey Nut Cheerios? No, but I get that a lot. Instead, I'm Brazzers Bee, and I like unloading white milk all over your honey balls. Hey, where are you going?"

Look. Somebody ran the comp.

Cow turds. That was a poor choice. Or are those giraffes? Giraffe turds.

Monkey turds. (Temmy?!)

Sweet Flakes confuses both Frosted Flakes customers and fans of Froot Loops. (Temmy?!)

A drunk frog dips his dick into your rice crisps, baby.

(Temmy?!)