This Is Real.

Spotted in a safety insert on a United flight:

United asks only Gen X dads to keep their safety belt on at all times.

"It's cool! No one will ever notice!"

UAG

Let's Deny The Right To Vote To The EADJ Mail Sack!

Submiited by Megan Gall (via Andrew in a text):

"Megan found the worst office art ever."

Click It Or Ticket!

Law enforcement agencies throughout the country will be cracking down on unbuckled motorists and their passengers as part of the annual “Click It or Ticket” campaign. The catchy campaign has been very successful for the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration; last year, the seatbelt usage rate in New Jersey alone rose for the 13th consecutive year. As a result, government agencies are scrambling to replicate this program's success. Here are just a few of the newly-proposed efforts:

"Wicket or Picket"


The U.S. Department of The Treasury has suggested that due to a flagging economy, people should invest their money in either buying a home (thus the "picket fence")– which will be guaranteed to appreciate over time– or in providing or caring for Wicket W. Warrick, a curious, adventurous Ewok from the forest moon of Endor. Young Wicket will teach Americans about living in concert with the environment, saving money by recycling, and battling gigantic two-legged Imperial scout walkers with logs and rope. Logs and rope.

"Frigate or Stick It"


How will chartering a three-mast, 18th Century warship help school kids? The U.S. Department of Education says by forcing them to work as a team to rig the masts, load and fire the 28 carriage-mounted guns, and maintain and clean the crew's quarters on the "berth deck." Those kids too weak or unwilling to live and die on the high seas can alternately watch the 2006 MTV-funded gymnastics movie "Stick It," which teaches the exact same lessons.

"Limpet or Tikrit"


The U.S. Department of Transportation has suggested that every citizen rent and watch the 1964 Don Knotts comedy "The Incredible Mr. Limpet," wherein mildmannered Henry Limpet experiences his fondest wish of being transformed into a fish and assists the US Navy in hunting German submarines during World War II. This program, they say, will encourage good citizenry and even get more people to enlist for the military to be deployed to Tikrit, Iraq. Critics of this controversial recruitment program are quick to point out that Tikrit is actually pronounced tik-REET.

"Quick Chek or Briquette"


Actually, I'm fresh out of ideas now. Nothing to read here. I'm surprised you made it this far. This entire entry was pure bullshit. So, congratulations, you outlasted me. Dick.

Meet Safeway's Tony Tantillo

Hey, how ya doin'. I'm Tony Tantillo, you know, Mikey's brutha. You may have spotted me and whatnot in the fokkin' Safeway circulars that they have there in the Safeway stores and whatnot. "Fresh Ideas Magazine" or "Fresh Grocer" or some shit. I don't know, they keep changing the fokkin' name of the newsletter and I get confused and shit. So fuck 'em.


I was recently featured on the newsletter thing talking about how fokkin' fresh my garden-grown tomatillos are. I know, I know– Tantillo's tomatillos, real cute. But I'm fokkin' serious. These things are the freshest produce you will ever see, my hand to God. You can pluck one of these things from my backyard garden or buy one from Safeway, and I swear on my mother's grave (God rest her soul) that you won't be able to tell the fokkin' difference. Well, if you do try to root around in my garden, I will come out with my brother Mikey's aluminum bat and put it to work on your ankles and knees. See how you like that, hotshot.


Look at these fokkin' things. You really got to go to your local Safeway and check these things out. They're like perfect and whatnot. Firm yet tender skin. Bright perfect red color. Still on the vine. You won't find a better tomato anywheres, I can tell you now. My Aunt Fiona puts these things in her marinara sauce, I swear to God, kids start hoverin' around her kitchen window like fokkin' flies around a donkey carcass. I am not lyin' to you. Them tomatoes make the sauce smell like one a' those fancy million dollar joints. 'Cept it's my Aunt Fiona's place, and she don't serve people who she ain't been introduced to since that assault at the bus stop. Or blacks. Hey, argue all you want. She's from another time.

Let's Air Out The EADJ Mail Sack And Spray Some Vanilla Air Freshener In There!

Submitted by Vince, an uncanny resemblance to a certain art director in Chicago, down to the feet up on the desk.




Also looks like Michelle, quite frankly. Did they mate?