The ProofrEADJer: March Edition

Meanwhile, in Joliet:

Wait a minute. I thought this one misspelled "PUTIN" but realized it's correct. And better.

Wait, which is the UNSWEET END? PUT IT IN – *RUMP

Some Movie Ideas Based on A Rite Aid Poster For Hand Warmers

Clearly out of ideas, Hollywood's major studios have resorted to a bidding war over who gets to release a feature film based on a display poster for hand warmers at a Rite Aid in New York. Here are their pitches:

20th Century Fox: "Beat The Cold" starring James Marsden, Amy Schumer, Sterling K. Brown and Emily Blunt. A giant yellow asshole appears in the sky, and it's up to four Christmas carolers to bring it down (or at least get it to shut closed).

Sony Pictures: "Warmers" starring Channing Tatum, Jack Black, Rachel McAdams and Giancarlo Esposito. A group of blackballed personal trainers decide to start their own "warm-up" camp and discover a whole new way to inspire a generation of losers. Also starring Josh Gad as the big gym's janitor turned snitch.

Walt Disney Studios: "HOTHANDS WARMERS" starring Jodie Foster, Kurt Russell and Mindy Kaling. A group of friends happen upon an ancient animated artifact that warms hands and hearts. Also starring Michael Stuhlbarg as the evil, meddling scientist.

Universal Pictures (in collaboration with Troublemaker Studios): "Calentadores" starring Selena Gomez, Antonio Banderas, Charlie Day and Michelle Rodriguez. This Hispanic-based story follows four football (aka soccer) fans in Venezuela who suddenly develop super warming powers after being exposed to some toxic waste from a nearby aluminum refinery. Directed by Robert Rodriguez.

Paramount Pictures: "The Cold" starring Viggo Mortensen, Jessica Alba, Sean Hayes, and Crystal Bernard. This survival story recounts the harrowing experience of four friends trapped inside an outdoor stadium after hours. They survive on leftover hot dogs, stale beer and love.

Warner Bros. Pictures: "Green Lantern 2" Completely unrelated to hand warmers, the cold, or four smiling people, Warner Bros. decides to launch a sequel/reboot of the failed Ryan Reynolds movie with even more CG effects, a darker, grittier tone and letting Zack Snyder do whatever the hell he wants. Set to release in 3 months.

UAG

Some Hollywood Movie Ideas Based On The Product Descriptors On The Back Of A Package Of The Trim Men Personal Care Set

Sony Pictures, Columbia TriStar, Universal and Disney are bidding top dollar for the following script properties, all due for release in January 2016:

"Nail Clipper," starring Colin Firth, Eddie Redmayne, and Keira Knightley. A period piece set in the 1800s, where a young socialite (Knightley) has a dreadful hangnail, and whose two suitors (Firth & Redmayne) compete for her affection.

"Toenail Clipper," starring Colin Firth, Eddie Redmayne, and Keira Knightley. A movie completely unrelated to "Nail Clipper," this stars Eddie Redmayne as a podiatrist in the 1950s who gets involved in a murderous scheme to overthrow his landlord (Firth) and marry his wife (Knightley). 

"Personal Care: Scissors," starring Carey Mulligan, Dominic West, and Jenny McCarthy. A horror movie set in a strip mall spa. Dominic West stars as the faceless killer bent on cleaning all the blonde hairs out of his spa, even if it's attached to women.

"Sapphire File," starring Gabourey Sidibe and Alan Cumming. Sidibe reprises her role as Precious, but this time she's recruited by an MI6 agent (Cumming) to prevent the assassination of the Queen of England. Based on a short story thrown away by Sapphire. Look for a wacky cameo with Mo'Nique!

"Comb" A low-budget short biography of P. Diddy.

"Storage Case," starring Liam Neeson, Tim Robbins, Bradley Cooper and Eva Mendes. Three assassins (Neeson, Cooper and Mendes) do everything they can to take out a mob informer (Robbins) but keep leaving their stuff behind. Eventually the mob informer collects enough of their leave-behinds to defend himself. It's "Home Alone" meets "Rambo." No? Okay, I got another one...