Gracie The Bed Bug Detecting Dog Wishes She Could Speak

The following has been written by Gracie herself on a Mac Classic II computer.


As the canine partner and unofficial mascot of ACD Bed Bug Extermination LLC, I feel like my responsibilities are pretty big. But because of my lack of vocal communication (and to a certain degree, the greed of my owners) I feel like I'm powerless in a lot of situations.

I have been trained well-680 hours- by industry handlers to detect bed bugs. I attended the prestigious New Hampshire Canine Academy and even graduated Summa Cum Laude in both bed bug and termite detection certification. So my ability to find bed bugs shouldn't even be questioned here. What is at fault here are my co-employees.

When I barked at the bug sweep at 456 Hazel Street last April, it was because I was telling my handler Jeff that he left his pen on the resident's coffee table, which Jeff mistakenly took to mean "bed bugs are in the house!" Jeff promptly signed the residents up for a $300/month monitoring program. My apologies to that family.

In June at an upscale condo in Glenview, the nice old lady there offered me a piece of the quiche she was eating. I was like, "Hell yeah!" and wagged my tail. My handler Vicenzo saw my tail and ordered a complete gassing of the entire apartment. I heard later that that woman had to live in a Red Roof Inn for a week. I feel so awful for that nice lady. Vicenzo was out of line.

Then this week at the Hotel Intercontinental in Springfield, I smelled another dog shut in the manager's office. By the scent, she was pregnant and was going to have a litter in four hours. I could also hear her whining while the manager spoke to my handler Laura. I wanted to bark to let the manager know that dog was in agony, but at the same time I didn't want ACD Bed Bug Extermination LLC to charge the hotel that ridiculous $8000 corporate service fee. So I kept my mouth shut. Did I do the right thing? I still don't know.

I'm starting to suspect that my co-workers are less interested in whether I want a treat or enjoy a good rub on the belly from a stranger and more about THE BOTTOM LINE. I FEEL IT'S MY DUTY TO LET THE WORLD KNOW THAT I AM DESPERATELY SORRY FOR ALL THE UNNECESSARY PAIN AND EXPENSE THAT MY COMPANY HAS AND CONTINUE TO CAUSE.

I DON'T MEAN TO TYPE ALL OF THIS IN ALL CAPS, BUT THE CAPS LOCK KEY ON THIS OLD COMPUTER IS STUCK.

-GRACIE

Hey Joel / Where You Going With That Dick In Your Hand

Joel once released a box set of journals of his dick-eating escapades. In them, he documented his musings and theories of why he loves dining on penis so much. He even included some pencil sketches of his more memorable meals.

Unfortunately, the price of the journals ($429.99 each) was cost prohibitive to his dozen fans, and Joel never made a dime. What's worse, Joel has yet to pay the $5159.88 Discover Card bill that he has from that trip to Kinko's. Boingggg!

Meanwhile, J.K. Rowling uses rolls of $1000 bills as tampons.

(pictured above, Jeanette's maternal instinct misguides her to the doggie dress section at Target)

***SFVOSP. The Legend Lives On. But the Soul Still Burns.***

(the following entry was submitted by Christian Golden)

"The psychic distance is shortening. He just left elevator car No.15 in the lobby. He's looking most jaunty, affecting some Petersonian togs (a plaid short-sleeved shirt and some jeans). He was accompanied by a matronly, yet cheerful, looking woman. Perhaps they're off to assignation, perhaps just a coffee."

EDITOR'S NOTE: It does seem that the SFVOSP is always accompanied by a female. Just friends and lunch buddies? Or is he some kind of squat lothario? How does the real Scott Peterson feel about his fatterganger's escapades? This and more on the next Nancy Grace.

(pictured above, a superdeformed manga version of the Shorter Fatter Version of Scott Peterson)

***UPDATE*** Jessica Foster, who spotted him today, and Ryan Boblett, who spotted him 2 days ago, have been added to the definitive list at the bottom of this blog.

***DOUBLE UPDATE*** Emily Kane has also spotted him today. With a woman. Plus she heard his voice.

1st and Joel. On the Dick Yard Line.

Joel had a yard sale today.

Some of the items sold:

Leaky bean bag chair
86 Hummels
Somebody's polyp in a jar
Mötley Crüe Mirror from a state fair
A dirty 38DD bra
4 Fandango paper sack puppets
Nancy Grace 12" action figure
Green Day "Dookie" album
2-month old Bangladesh baby
various "Just Shoot Me" memorabilia
rickets

Joel counted his money at about 1 pm and found he had made $66.24. That's enough for him to buy at least 4 dicks to eat for dinner! Way to go, Joel!

(pictured above, what I thought was a rerun of a crappy old Sandra Bullock movie turns out to be a trailer for a brand new crappy Sandra Bullock movie)