A Truly Awful Promotional Email

I'm on an email list for a rep who finds freelance jobs for designers and creatives. Here is his latest one:

It's hard to break down what's so awful and groan-worthy about this email when you don't even know where to start.

A Post-Labor Day Wrap-Up, Presented By Cement Bird

Cement bird, as some of you might remember, can only communicate via shitty FWD emails.

--------------------------------

FWD: Bob Hope in Heaven

BOB HOPE IN HEAVEN
 
For those of you too young to remember Bob Hope, ask your Grandparents.

And thanks for the memories. WHAT A WONDERFUL E-MAIL.

ON TURNING 70
'I still chase women, but only
downhill'..

ON TURNING 80
'That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.'

ON TURNING 90
'You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.'

ON TURNING 100
'I don't feel old. In fact, I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.'

ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER, BOXING
'I ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept stepping on them.'

ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR
'Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'.

ON GOLF
'Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees.'

ON PRESIDENTS
'I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six.'

ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER
'When I was born, the doctor said to my mother,

Congratulations, you have an eight pound ham.

ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL
'I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.'

ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY
'Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother.'

ON HIS SIX BROTHERS
'That's how I learned to dance.  Waiting for the bathroom.'

ON HIS EARLY FAILURES
'I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the
stuff the audience threw at me.'

ON GOING TO HEAVEN
'I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.'

And here's a special Back To School message for students from Cement Bird II, who also communicates only through crappy FWD emails:

When a male can't stand it anymore!

Priceless shot...

A photographer will die of old age

waiting to get another shot like this one.

PRICELESS!

TAKE THE NETZERO CHALLENGE! Call 1.888.798.4442 to learn more!

HECKA BREAKING NEWS FROM ANDREW

Andrew's mistaken identity adventures continues from yesterday.

---------- Forwarded message ----------

Fwd: Tuesday Chaingang

From: xXXXXxx@xxx.xxx

Enjoy …

Spotted At O'Hare

The need for a plug in order to check email reduces a woman to "untouchable" status.

Let's Examine The Meniscus To Determine The Precise Volume of Liquid in the EADJ Mail Sack!

My parents are coming this weekend. So I made some hotel reservations for them and told them I'd be sending them more info. The following is an email response from my Dad, who, by the way, is retired:


My son,
Thank you for your very prompt reply to my email. I will look for your email with directions on how to go to your place. Right now, I have to go watch Drew Cary on the Price Is Right.
Dad

Who's Joan, Vince?

I was perusing my Junk Mail folder today and found an email from a "Joan Solivan." The message dispensed with any introductions or context, so I assumed that Vince Soliven had at one time already introduced us.


The subject title said "Perfect information for you and your girlfriend, powder lambda." So apparently Vince had also introduced us sometime before March when J'Net and I got married, because Joan hadn't heard about my new status. Not really sure about "powder lambda," whether that was a little inside joke that she and J'Net had shared, or whether that's just some peculiar way she signs her emails.

Joan must still live in the Philippines, because her grasp on English is awkward. The first sentence, "Best solution for mens from 28 up to 84 y.o." sort of makes sense, but the second sentence (tabbed 8 paragraphs down) devolves into incoherent rambling:

"harass, frisky agape.cot wader hosta.speed, turret inkpot.cubist digs fetch.rash, words hurl.finery doubts shoddy.kiev, preamp motley.pays crowd proof.sludge, deep attic.gauges gin ales.mime, satyr puffin.imps lessor lambda.cape, enough aaron.herd palmed baked.corn, bearer mitt.cruder chokes daze.suit, rebus flue.urn tugela cute.vector, covets avian.sneer closet overdo.frozen, shows trowel.herein bud clench.rector, iodide oath.abloom peels dints.safely, lackey resist.handy vowed acrid.occur, tannoy cress.doors slugs wince.kernel, feuds indite.compel wings soudan.arced, cystic mink.bards owning marks.patted, kissed guinea.bubbly chars to.capers, warms overs.petit hinged lien.nearby, deuces wharfs.kith truck mitred.verve, washer flawed.air topple marred.berets, penury preens.morass entrap beasts.lulls, steel puppet.purely morrow rises.banked, whack tyke.burble kidnap czar.cries, sylph bissau.glebe evolve ozone.bays, cased pox.gaul vinyl sigma.dale, titled mace.recite grinds pitch.threw, wifely muster.throb sagely mettle.excise, edgier adopts.junk doers midair.gallop, paling mom.proxy tragic blared.bel, prams coop.decoke upon slopes.meows, hitler orders.eureka wetly lissom.primal, mists plural.tipple parks will.batted, kaftan turfs.primal doings cutler.winger, furls murmur.pizazz lemurs faces.nutmeg, mouse pod.firmly jailer exited.styles, chewed adds.hod adages saver.impend, finis shekel.swags cheery jeans.funds, dun sunday.audit toned pimp.dank, glided curly.masted silts blocky.woods, nixon grimly.giro drools grog."

And sure, she does make a few good points. I'll concede that "Aaron Herd palmed baked corn," and "steel puppet purely morrow rises," but I find it pretty offensive for her to claim that "Hitler orders Eureka wetly."


While I applaud Joan's attempts to use English and meet new people, I don't particularly like a stranger giving me unsolicited marital advice about me and my beautiful wife, Powder Lambda. So Vince, please tell your friend Joan to leave me alone.

Some People Wait All Their Lives To Have This In Their In Box:

More on the message's contents later.

AND THE COUNTDOWN CONTINUES!!!

“When things mean a very great deal to you, exciting anticipation just isn't safe.”

-Dodie Smith

As we enter our sub-five days into the Jerald Lunch countdown, it's important to remember how long it's been since we first discovered 'the Man.' It was Thursday, January 10th that Tom Weingard first noticed a bizarre email from WAYN.com. Tom had mistakenly remembered his name as Jerald Williams, when in fact it was JERALD JOHNSON. And it is this very same Jerald Johnson who is going to have lunch with us at Loreley in Manhattan on Saturday at noon. My, how far we've come...

EADJ NEWS REPORT: WE HAVE CONTACT!!!

(AP) Two EADJ agents received a communication via email at 12:09 pm Eastern Time (ET) from who appears to be Jerald Johnson himself. This was the message (some names have been xxx'd out for their protection) :

----------

David,

The Legend Lives. I cooked Knockwurst, Saurerkruat, and Potatoes a few days ago.

A buddy name Lxxxxx told me about WAYN (where are you now) and I believe other friends including Pastor Xxxxx Xxxxx are a part of this. Its a website for those like me who travel and want to know more information about the places we are traveling to.

Free lunch sounds good!

Regards,
Jerald


-----Original Message-----
From: David Estoye
To: Tom Weingard ; Justin Hxxxxx
Cc: Txxxxx ; Jerald Johnson
Sent: Wed, 25 Jun 2008 11:20 am
Subject: Re: Jerald found!

Where can we get bratwursts and Kronenberg?

----------

Electronic handwriting analysts and IT specialists are currently checking the authenticity of this letter, since it could be some sort of prank or joke which would break our hearts. Stay tuned for the latest developments to EADJ, America's #1 source for Jerald news and updates.

¡¡¡¡¡JERALD JOHNSON HELLAHUGE UPDATE!!!!!!

Tom's email was almost INSTANTLY responded to:

------ Forwarded Message
From: Justin Xxxxxxx
Date: Mon, 23 Jun 2008 15:28:07 -0400
To: Tom Weingard
Cc: Txxxxpro , David Estoye , Jerald Johnson
Subject: Re: [techpro] Jerald Williams

lol, that is actually Jerald Johnson. He is my roommate and used to go to MSNY. I cced him on this email.

Justin

----------------

So NOW WE HAVE JERALD'S EMAIL (xxxxx'd out for obvious reasons)!!!!!!! This is a breakthrough that EADJ had not mentally prepared for. Advisors and editors have been called to the EADJ Think Tank to strategize our next moves. Holy motherfucking shit.

Now I want to visit that mopped patio.

A Step Closer To Understanding.

I was wondering all this time where the fuck Noel got the bizarro idea of showing the girls at work a photo of his dick in a watch.

Then I saw my spam folder in Gmail: