Names of Public E-Scooters That Are Either Real Or Could Be

Bird

Lime

Jump

Skip

Putz

Bolt

Circ

Slutz

Dott

Fuck

Poppi

Cock

Beam

Trotti

Shits

Spin

Berkowitz

UAG

'Tis The Season: True Fact Hurricane Oddities

Hurricanes are universally feared as destructive and deadly, but occasionally they have been known to do some fairly unusual stuff. The following are some documented incidents involving these common but still-misunderstood phenomena:


1915: Five horses were picked up in a Kansas tornado. They were found a quarter-mile away, unhurt and still hitched to the same rail.

1955: A 9-year-old in South Dakota was riding her horse when a tornado struck her farm. She and her pony were plucked from the ground and were sent flying into another valley. According to reports, the girl’s mother actually saw her daughter airborne. The girl and the pony were dropped over 1,000 feet away, unharmed.

1962: An electrician jumped out of his truck moments before it was lifted by a tornado outside Oklahoma City. It was later found 20 miles away, but full of McDonald's cheeseburger wrappers, a Grammy Award and a rhino turd.

1968: An F4 hurricane convinced an elderly woman in South Carolina that it was her nephew. She let it stay in her guest room for four nights before she realized it was actually a hurricane, but by then it had ruined most of her carpeting and eaten two entire bags of Funyuns.

1973: Five horses were picked up in a Kansas tornado. They were found a quarter-mile away, unhurt and still hitched to the same rail.

1986: Two security guards at the Flashdance Leg Warmer Factory in Lauper, IL were lifted into the air by a hurricane. While one of them was killed and horrifically dismembered by all the debris battering his twisted shell of a body, the other one just got a sprained ankle! Gee willikers!

1989: Actor Willie Aames... Nah, I don't want to make fun of him. He's been through enough.

1991: Five horses were picked up in a Kansas tornado. They were found a quarter-mile away near a Costco, unhurt and still hitched to the same rail.


1996: 10 year old Jennie Samsa of Columbia, South Carolina was halfway through watching a 7-hour marathon of "Freakazoid" reruns when Hurricane Sergio tore the shit out of those plans, boy.


2014: Five horses will have been picked up in a Kansas tornado. They will have been found a quarter-mile away, unhurt and still hitched to the same rail.

HECKA BREAKING NEWS FROM ANDREW

Andrew's mistaken identity adventures continues from yesterday.

---------- Forwarded message ----------

Fwd: Tuesday Chaingang

From: xXXXXxx@xxx.xxx

Enjoy …

It's Time For Another Installment of The EADJ Facebook De-Friender

You can enjoy the previous other episode of the Facebook De-Friender here.

In a world where it's a rare and beautiful gift to have a real friend, a Facebook friend, however, is an easily disposable thing you can chuck at a whim. Because let's be honest– Facebook friends only wish you a Happy Birthday because Facebook told them it was, and they would never have otherwise. Still, we at EADJ still believe in the "3 strikes" rule, and a certain Facebook friend whose initial is "P"  failed that test yesterday.

"P" is from the small town in North Carolina that I grew up in, and we were never friends when we attended junior high and high school together. I believe it was the class reunion and/or the realization of our mortality that prompted us to connect on Facebook.

And what has friending her done for me or her? Well, I've never written any notes to her (I acknowledge my negligence in this friendship), and she hasn't ever written to me. We'd been Facebook friends for over a year with no communication, until recently I started getting some shitty requests from her to play "Free Slot Machines." To protect "P's" identity, I have replaced her profile photo with a shot of goat turds:

And I got this third Free Slot Machines request last night:

And with the 3 strike rule in effect, it's time to play LOSE THAT FB FRIEND!

*** INSERT COIN ***

CREDIT :1

PLAY MAXIMUM BET

Three in a row! Jackpot! We have a loser!

An Imagined Conversation

Hey Maxie, put Bobby on. It's Todd. No, I can't wait. Put him on now.

(waits)

Bobby. Hey Bobby. It's Todd. You didn't unlock the freight entrance. No, you said you'd unlock it as soon as you were in, and I'm outside standing with a loop of tube like an asshole...No, I don't care what happened. Come around back and unlock the door so I can get in...What? A loop of tube. It's the tube for the ventilation install but rolled up in a loop. A LOOP of tube... No, come out now. I don't care if something came up... The what? Yeah, I don't care about that. We can take care of both of those later. I'm standing outside with this loop of tube looking like an asshole, so hurry up and come arou... Hah? What the heck does that mean? Look, I know we got a lot of job orders before Friday, and we got a whole list right after we install the... just come around and unlock the friggin' door, will ya, Bobby? Come on.

No, I ain't yellin' at you 'cause I'm mad at you. I'm yellin' because...

A LOOP of tube. It's a length of tube, like 50 feet, rolled in a loop. Wh.. why can't you hear me? Do you want to use the walkies? I'm like, thirty feet away from you, Bobby. A LOOP. Of TUBE.

What do you mean nobody says that? It's ventilation tubing, five inch, corrugated black plastic. And it's in a loop. I'm standing out here like an asshole holding a giant loop. Or hoop. Hoop sounds weird.

Are you gonna open the door, Bobby? I got some guy here now taking a photo of me with his cell phone, and I don't wanna end up on his blog like an asshole, standing here with a giant loop of tube.

Come on, Bobby, you're killing me.

Special Hurricane Irene Post!

Since we are stuck at home due to the hurricane snarling all trains to NYC, let's review what we saw during Hurricane Irene news footage, shall we? No? Well, I'm doing it anyway. Fuck you guys.





Every channel had a Hurricane Irene logo for their newscast. Some were better than others.

This Could Have Been Worded Better

A Message From The Spraychel For President Campaign

"Hi. I'm Mister Opportunity. I've known Spraychel for about 16 years now, and I can attest to the fact that she is a prime candidate to represent the Cartoon-Americans of this country. Do Barack Obama or John McCain even have a spray nozzle head? I don't think so. Over the last 4 years, Senator McCain has voted 6 times against legislation that would make it possible for Cartoon-Americans to get married. And it's a real shame, too. Because I would totally marry Miss Piggy...no, wait. She's a puppet. What was I talking about? Sorry. I'm totally high."

Let's Re-Uncinch the EADJ Mail Sack!

(the following is a letter from Andrew Gall in the Creative Department Annex)

Last night I returned home around 12:15 a.m. I came upon a somewhat nerdy looking bicyclist, who called my attention to a squashed iguana, directly in front of the entrance to my building. He excitedly said he was going home to get his camera. The iguana looked like something out of a cartoon, squashed flat, with no traces of his (or her) insides. I tried to piece together the events. Someone’s beloved pet was apparently let loose to run amok on a busy street. Somewhere, a child, most likely of spanish descent, was crying. I hurried inside for the night. When I returned to the scene this morning, the dead iguana had been moved closer to the sidewalk. Someone must have felt compassion. I pulled out my shitty Nikon digital camera to take a picture, but the battery was dead.