At Long Last

From the makers of walking shoes and gloves made especially for hands: The Digging Shovel:

Warning: Not for bonking other Stooges on the head. This is for DIGGING.

I Apologize In Advance For This Post.

Spotted at a public building in Maplewood, NJ:

The phrase "Mechanical Penthouse" made me think of this:

 

So, This Was Stupid.

I received an email from my local YMCA about registering my kids for Youth Sports: 

The problem was, there was neither an active hyperlink within the image on the email when you click on REGISTER NOW, nor was there a text link anywhere. Just a dumb QR code which you couldn't click on. And this shit was on my phone, so I couldn't SCAN the QR CODE. And then when I googled "South Mountain YMCA SMY YOUTH SPORTS REGISTER" nothing came up.

So guess what I did. I PRINTED this stupid email out and then SCANNED the QR CODE. What stupid grandfather roundabout bullshit is this? Jesus. Well, long story short, my boys are now signed up for 8 weeks of badminton this summer. Kidding.

UAG

Who's Joan, Vince?

I was perusing my Junk Mail folder today and found an email from a "Joan Solivan." The message dispensed with any introductions or context, so I assumed that Vince Soliven had at one time already introduced us.


The subject title said "Perfect information for you and your girlfriend, powder lambda." So apparently Vince had also introduced us sometime before March when J'Net and I got married, because Joan hadn't heard about my new status. Not really sure about "powder lambda," whether that was a little inside joke that she and J'Net had shared, or whether that's just some peculiar way she signs her emails.

Joan must still live in the Philippines, because her grasp on English is awkward. The first sentence, "Best solution for mens from 28 up to 84 y.o." sort of makes sense, but the second sentence (tabbed 8 paragraphs down) devolves into incoherent rambling:

"harass, frisky agape.cot wader hosta.speed, turret inkpot.cubist digs fetch.rash, words hurl.finery doubts shoddy.kiev, preamp motley.pays crowd proof.sludge, deep attic.gauges gin ales.mime, satyr puffin.imps lessor lambda.cape, enough aaron.herd palmed baked.corn, bearer mitt.cruder chokes daze.suit, rebus flue.urn tugela cute.vector, covets avian.sneer closet overdo.frozen, shows trowel.herein bud clench.rector, iodide oath.abloom peels dints.safely, lackey resist.handy vowed acrid.occur, tannoy cress.doors slugs wince.kernel, feuds indite.compel wings soudan.arced, cystic mink.bards owning marks.patted, kissed guinea.bubbly chars to.capers, warms overs.petit hinged lien.nearby, deuces wharfs.kith truck mitred.verve, washer flawed.air topple marred.berets, penury preens.morass entrap beasts.lulls, steel puppet.purely morrow rises.banked, whack tyke.burble kidnap czar.cries, sylph bissau.glebe evolve ozone.bays, cased pox.gaul vinyl sigma.dale, titled mace.recite grinds pitch.threw, wifely muster.throb sagely mettle.excise, edgier adopts.junk doers midair.gallop, paling mom.proxy tragic blared.bel, prams coop.decoke upon slopes.meows, hitler orders.eureka wetly lissom.primal, mists plural.tipple parks will.batted, kaftan turfs.primal doings cutler.winger, furls murmur.pizazz lemurs faces.nutmeg, mouse pod.firmly jailer exited.styles, chewed adds.hod adages saver.impend, finis shekel.swags cheery jeans.funds, dun sunday.audit toned pimp.dank, glided curly.masted silts blocky.woods, nixon grimly.giro drools grog."

And sure, she does make a few good points. I'll concede that "Aaron Herd palmed baked corn," and "steel puppet purely morrow rises," but I find it pretty offensive for her to claim that "Hitler orders Eureka wetly."


While I applaud Joan's attempts to use English and meet new people, I don't particularly like a stranger giving me unsolicited marital advice about me and my beautiful wife, Powder Lambda. So Vince, please tell your friend Joan to leave me alone.