Some Terrible But Available Pornstar Names

Welcome to Exxxotic Productions! I'm sure you're ready to get started, but before you get on that water bed and hump in front of the cameras, we're going to need you to fill out these tax forms, sign this NDA, and then pick out a pornstar name from this shoebox. Don't worry– none of these have ever been used by someone else, and you'll find out with good reason:

Males

Fenton Nil

Asper Inne

Putin Mydickinyou

Crymore Liberals

*Very* Deep Roy

Females

Eiffel T. That

Kara Pace

Sara Tonin

Shen Yun (she’ll never stop bothering you afterward)

G. Lori Hole

UAG

Here Are The Shows That Are Being Removed And Added To Netflix This Month

Due to contract negotiations, the following movies and TV shows will be removed from Netflix this week:

• Guy Fieri Says Fuck It and Eats Healthy

• Startling Ferrets and Punching Old People

• CVS Pharmacy: After Dark

• Tony Robbins Presents Watch This And WIN You Big Winner!!!!!!!*    *Maybe

• Can't Hear A Goddamn Thing: The Fan Film Documentary

• Dick Pics from Famous Charleses

Due to periodic contract negotiations, the following movies and TV shows will be added to Netflix this week:

• The 1983 Invasion of Grenada: A Two Episode Documentary

• Fluffers: Behind The Scenes of Fabric Softener Manufacturing

• Booger Glue: How Mucilage Conquered An Industry and Captured The Imagination

• Let's Throw A Ham Through a Harp

Even More Unused, Terrible Porn Names

Say you ran away from home to make it big in Hollywood, but the only roles available involve mashing your face into someone's genitals on camera for money. Jackpot! You've just become a porn star! But every porn star needs to have a memorable name. Here at EADJ we've collected a few terrible porn names that no self-respecting (ha!) actor or actress would want to use. So feel free to scoop any of these up for yourself, you rising young pornstar!

HER:

Antifa

Teri Yaki

Alexa Turnoffmyporn

L'Shana Tova

Greta Personality

Rae Dong Chomp

Kim Chee

HIM:

Fucker Carlson

Brock Livesmatter

Terry Yaki

Ben Ghazi

Cumelo Anthony

Coitus Andronicus

More Taglines For A Movie That Would Probably Stay On The Shelf At Blockbuster Video If Blockbuster Video Still Existed

Some People Wait All Their Lives To Have This In Their In Box:

More on the message's contents later.

+++ Sue McCloskey FOUND, TAGGED, and IDENTIFIED! +++

Eat A Dick Joel has scored yet another journalistic coup.

Mere months after video footage of the Shorter, Fatter Version of Scott Peterson emerged– thus proving his existence– an article in a local publication has been found, revealing the true identity and existence of Sue McCloskey, plagiarist and President of Ponte Fresco LLC. The uncredited article scooped The New York Times, The Washington Post, and The Lillian Vernon Catalog, and it has started speculation that the Pulitzer Prize for journalism this year will go to EADJ (Since the Pedway Guide article is uncredited, Pulitzer rules state that the first blog that announces the article will get the prize).

"Shit," says Diane Sawyer, who was hoping to land the prize this year with her February interview with Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, one of the first interviews granted to an American.

The Dow Jones has reached 13,000 points as a result of the Pedway Guide leak. The long running news show "Meet the Press" has changed its name to "Press the Meat" to be more "Eat A Dick Joel-like." Lou Dobbs has resorted to wearing mesh tank tops to show off his COCK BLOCK belly tat.

The Pedway article seems to have scored an actual sit-down interview with McCloskey, rather than just running one of Ponte Fresco's fluffy press releases. McCloskey talks about her reasons for starting a "fast casual" restaurant in Chicago in both a condescending and kissing-ass kind of way:

"We wanted to go to the heart of the American market," she says "where both the consumer and the competition are very smart."

McCloskey even throws in one of her trademark plagiarisms:

"If we can make it here, in Chicago, we can make anywhere."

In addition to opening up so publicly, Sue McCloskey adds another line to her oft-quoted Table Tent Manifesto. The new "alternate ending" sentence "We strive to live by this in our personal lives, and Ponte Fresco is all about manifesting this message in a clear and compelling food experience" raises the manifesto to new bullshit heights, reaffirming Ponte Fresco as the Eleven Dollar Salad place and cementing McCloskey as a true PR legend.


But what truly sends this article to the stratosphere (dong!) of journalistic excellence has to be the very first actual photo of Sue McCloskey. Confident and short, she seems to have sprouted from her very own salad toppings. Her hair is auburn and her eyes seem hazel (could she possibly be the mother of the auburn-haired hottie in the CVS "Mystery Couple" photo?). She also appears to shy away from the spotlight, preferring to stand at the end of the group. She also seems to flout the health code rules of Ponte Fresco, letting her bangs jut out from under her hat while making her underlings hide their locks.

Eat a Dick Joel is dusting off a Pulitzer-size space on the mantel. What.