In The Next Issue of THE KNITTER

• Knitting vs. Fucking- No Contest

• Rib Stitch vs. Seed Stitch: The Decades Old Rivalry Heats Up

• Why Are You Reading This When You Could Be Knitting?

• How The Basket Stitch Pattern For Beginners is Promoting Communism

• Kanye Doesn't Knit: Just Another Reason To Hate Him

• How "Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker" Ruined The Entire Saga

• Why REAL Knitters Use Circular Knitting Needles

• Fuck You, Knit Me

• How Bruce Springsteen and The Entire E Street Band Took Up Knitting On The Road and Really Learned To Love The Craft, Arguably Even More Than Making Music Which They Would Never Admit

UAG

Project Hillbilly Teeth, Phase 4: Special Train Edition

(cue irritating banjo music)

Project Hillbilly Teeth continues, but before we dive into it, we should restate our mission objectives:

1) find business cards, luggage tags or junk mail that people have dropped in public places

2) retain these items to protect those innocent people from identity theft/fraud

3) mail them a confusing letter with some "Bubba" hillbilly teeth enclosed in the envelope

4) speculate on their delicious confusion

All three of the following entries took place on trains, train platforms or stations. The first one being a business card dropped by a representative of "International Speakers Bureau," a company that provides luminary speakers like Toby Keith (?), Ellen DeGeneres, Jimmy Buffett (!), and Anderson Cooper to give motivational speeches to corporations. Because nothing gets me more fired up about teamwork and making my sales quota than Jimmy Buffett.

For this one, I wrote to the nice lady pretending to be the President of the United Plumbers Pipefitter Association.

(Click to enlarge)

For our second entry, we found a luggage tag in the Amtrak terminal at New York Penn Station. 

The owner of this tag was most likely a business traveler, so we figured a nice letter to him from someone who could have possibly struck up a conversation with him on the train would be appropriate.

(Click to enlarge)

Lastly, on the 7 shuttle subway train, we found this ripped-in-half piece of mail:

Turns out it was a bill for an overdue balance for a subscription to Harper's Magazine. The person who ripped and littered this seemed to be interested in literature, politics, culture, finance, the arts, and not paying their magazine bills for months.

Rather than hector the subscriber about the overdue balance, I decided to take a different tack and screw up their day even more:

(Click to enlarge)

So I sealed up and mailed these bad boys and let the USPS take them where they may, like leaves on the Seine.

Drop it like it's hillbilly teeth.

I can only imagine how those lucky recipients looked wearing their newfound novelty teeth. Here now are an artist's renditions:

The business traveler by train who struck up an interesting conversation with a stranger:

The avid (but delinquent) Harper's Magazine subscriber/litterbug:

The celebrity public speaker representative:

And just for the hell of it, I did one with the President of the United Plumbers Pipefitter Association wearing hillbilly teeth, too.

(fade out irritating banjo music)

UAG

A Special Message From His Holiness, Swami Yaro

Wassup bitches!

A most holy and heartfelt greeting to everyone in this blessed Hai Komanci season.

Hai Komanci is a time for meditation, fasting, and checking out 50 Cent's new album, "Before I Self Destruct," featuring "Baby By Me (featuring Ne-Yo)." Darker and harder than his last two releases, the album is a return to the roots and feel of 50 Cent's debut album, 2003's `Get Rich Or Die Trying', which went on to sell 12 million copies worldwide. On top of that, the Deluxe CD/DVD edition includes a bonus DVD that contains a full length feature film of the same name.

Personally, I'm glad 50 finally walked away from the auto-tuned synth vocals and went back to the sing-song rapping that made him famous. I believe in the spirituality of the universe, and that universe punished his album "Curtis" because it relied too much on chart-ready vocals and guest appearances that diluted his raw delivery.

On track 7, "Crime Wave," he asserts his street knowledge and rhyme genius with the verse:

Pistol pop, drop the top, burn baby burn
Revolvers spin' again and again and niggas never learn
Got an itchy itchy, itchy itchy trigger finger, nigga
So if you hit me then you get me.. I'll be back to get ya
Man, I might bring the homies, that's necessary
See, you might not be worried, but I think you should worry
the bullets come in flurries.. they sting, you know you buried
yeah! I do away with 9 niggas in 9 days
my 9 sprays, wish it, don't go my way
hold it sideways.. fuck around, cause a crime wave

Again, a blessed Hai Komanci season to you and your family.

Cock, The Finale

So here's what happened with that mysterious roll of film that the previous owner of my New Jersey house had left. It took me a while to find a place that actually develops this obscure type of film, but I should have known all along that B&H Photo was the premier place in New York for all my photo, video, pro audio and digital imaging needs. No, they didn't pay me to say that.


As I was in the cab, I was blissfully imagining all the strange/wonderful/terrifying things that could be on that film:

• A photo that solves the identity of a never-caught murderer

• A secret map that shows where ancient Spanish treasure is buried in Central Park

• Tits

• Proof of life on Mars (hey, it could happen)

• Compromising photos of a prominent New Jersey politician who would pay handsomely for them

• Photos of a topless celebrity murdering a politician with Spanish doubloons on her tits

• Attractive landscape of the New York skyline that I could blow up for cheap instead of buying a poster.

• Serial numbers to a bunch of software, namely the Adoboe Creative Suite 3 and the latest version of Microsoft Office.

• Detailed schematics for building a time machine out of a Toyota Prius


So I got to the place, and a very helpful clerk at the developing counter lay the bad news on me: THE FILM WAS NEVER EXPOSED.

"You see the bottom of this roll?" he explained,"1 means the film was never exposed. 2 means it was partially exposed. 3 means the film was exposed but never developed. And 4 means it's been both exposed and developed."


Well, FUCK me. I had planned to leave another fake name ("Andrew Vince") and everything, but now all this effort- and cab fare- had been spent for shit. No secret recipes. No creepy shots of some girl being stalked. No scat porn. Nuthin'.

So rather than write a summary paragraph winding up this quest, I'll just leave it open and unsatisfying for you, just like I feel right now.

BRAAAAIIINNNS!

Check out the cover of this month's Thrive(?) Magazine:




Fucking terrifying.