Spotted on My YouTube App

Senator John Fetterman looking goooood.

Project Hillbilly Teeth, Phase 4: Special Train Edition

(cue irritating banjo music)

Project Hillbilly Teeth continues, but before we dive into it, we should restate our mission objectives:

1) find business cards, luggage tags or junk mail that people have dropped in public places

2) retain these items to protect those innocent people from identity theft/fraud

3) mail them a confusing letter with some "Bubba" hillbilly teeth enclosed in the envelope

4) speculate on their delicious confusion

All three of the following entries took place on trains, train platforms or stations. The first one being a business card dropped by a representative of "International Speakers Bureau," a company that provides luminary speakers like Toby Keith (?), Ellen DeGeneres, Jimmy Buffett (!), and Anderson Cooper to give motivational speeches to corporations. Because nothing gets me more fired up about teamwork and making my sales quota than Jimmy Buffett.

For this one, I wrote to the nice lady pretending to be the President of the United Plumbers Pipefitter Association.

(Click to enlarge)

For our second entry, we found a luggage tag in the Amtrak terminal at New York Penn Station. 

The owner of this tag was most likely a business traveler, so we figured a nice letter to him from someone who could have possibly struck up a conversation with him on the train would be appropriate.

(Click to enlarge)

Lastly, on the 7 shuttle subway train, we found this ripped-in-half piece of mail:

Turns out it was a bill for an overdue balance for a subscription to Harper's Magazine. The person who ripped and littered this seemed to be interested in literature, politics, culture, finance, the arts, and not paying their magazine bills for months.

Rather than hector the subscriber about the overdue balance, I decided to take a different tack and screw up their day even more:

(Click to enlarge)

So I sealed up and mailed these bad boys and let the USPS take them where they may, like leaves on the Seine.

Drop it like it's hillbilly teeth.

I can only imagine how those lucky recipients looked wearing their newfound novelty teeth. Here now are an artist's renditions:

The business traveler by train who struck up an interesting conversation with a stranger:

The avid (but delinquent) Harper's Magazine subscriber/litterbug:

The celebrity public speaker representative:

And just for the hell of it, I did one with the President of the United Plumbers Pipefitter Association wearing hillbilly teeth, too.

(fade out irritating banjo music)

Let's Throw a Fermented Apple Into the EADJ Mail Sack!

Submitted by Larry Liss in Chicago, a horrific track off of iTunes:


For those of you in the EADJ know, this Jimmy Buffett song (the version without Bret Michaels) was featured in a previous entry of EADJ Song Hate.

A Terrible Joke Told Terribly With Terrible Audio

This is my Dad at a buffet place trying to tell a joke about a woman trying to increase her breast size. Then my Mom "ruins" it.

EADJ Song Hate, Second Edition

Today we hate the song "Margaritaville" by Jimmy Buffett.

This is one of those cases in Song Hate where the song itself isn't all that terrible. The tune is pleasant and memorable but WAY corny. It's essentially a country song, when you think about it: Guy on the beach lamenting about a lost love. Simple rhyming structure "cake, bake; salt, fault." Then after pondering all his troubles, the beach bum realizes it's his "own damn fault." Yay.

But all in all, it's an average song, not terribly offensive. But here's the deal: the people who LOVE that song really make me HATE that song. I believe they refer to themselves as "Parrotheads." They're the ones at a bar who get excited as soon as they hear those first five xylophone notes and raise their Coronas. Then they sing it out loud like it's the greatest drinking song ever. They also adopt this "aw shucks," "why can't we all just relax and hang loose" approach to life. But instead of truly being cool and hanging back, they foist that shit on YOU and confront you with why you're the uptight one, because suddenly they've got a license to be a drunken asshole.



True, I've personally been a drunken asshole A LOT. But we're not talking about me, so suck on it. I'm a straight up, traditional drunk. But this here is inexcusable:


So we retire "Margaritaville" to the rafters of time. Take it off the radio forever, take off the grass skirts and let's get back to getting stuck in traffic on the overpass. Amen.


If you really wanted to, you could buy the song here.

What Dave Levy Lev'd Behind, Part 5

Okay, this might be the worst one yet.



So Dave Levy has left behind rum, a fishing pole, and a parrot. Proving that when he was here, he was either a pirate or a big Jimmy Buffet fan.