This Week In Chicago Whatever

 The following are episode synopses for this week:

Chicago P.D.

Forensic analyst Barrows loses his favorite pen in one of the bodies. Hockney comes back from City Hall to gloat about how easy the job of bailiff is. Chief Wilson is outraged that someone booted his car as a prank.

Chicago Med

Chief Surgeon Manacle explains his fear of ferrets. Manuel and Diandra do it in the supply closet, contaminating all of the latex gloves. A patient explodes into millions of spiders.

Chicago Fire

Everyone goes to Mr. Beef for lunch and has a great time. (special 2 hour episode)

Today We Asked A Man With His Head Squeezed Between A Woman's Thighs To Explain The Downfall of "Big Box" Stores

"Great question. *huff* Sociologists often refer... uh... to it as the 'Retail Apocalypse'... ouch... ack... wait... which describes a steep decli... AGGHHH! AGGGHHHHH! ...decline in... uh... so-called brick and mortar stores starting around 2010.... JESUS! OUCH! The shift to online shoppi.... Wait, I can't breathe... the shift to... uhh... uhhh.. uhhh...." *dies*

25 Days of Hallmark Movies, Day 21: "Welcome To Christmas"

Plot summary: the small, sleepy town of Christmas, Colorado is desperate to convince a real estate developer to choose them for a ski resort and will stop at nothing to get their way, going so far as to keep her trapped in town and to pimp out their handsome sheriff to charm her. This town bends over backwards to get taken advantage of for money. Christmas? More like Whore-mas.

Have some self respect, Christmas, you're embarrassing yourself.

Romance Factor: 5 out of 10

Christmas Cheer: 8 out of 10

Overall Rating: 6.5 out of 10

Time Until First Kiss: 01:23:20

UAG

The ProofrEADJer, Mid-August Edition

6 Lies Told By A Thai Massage Brochure From The Czech Republic

 

1) "Massage" LOL

2) What they don't tell you is that the woman fourth from the left in the back row is actually John Leguizamo doing a hilarious new sketch comedy/hidden camera show. You signed the waiver!

 

3)  "Improves waste secretion." I never heard of getting a tug job to make you more regular, but different strokes, I guess... Pun intended.

4) WELCOME! (no cops)

 

5)  There's no one who bowls at this bowling alley because everyone's either giving or getting a hand job.

6) There's no one drinking from these watered down liquor bottles because everyone's either giving or getting a hand job.

EADJ is proud to announce that the "6 Lies" series has been turned into an interactive multimedia exhibit at the "LEARN!" section of the Liberty Science Center in Newark, New Jersey. Here, the curious can experience "hands on" lessons with fascinating, expensive displays. Homebound people (like shut-ins or agoraphobics) can Skype with a "6 Lies" specialist to enjoy the exhibit at home. The "6 Lies" exhibit runs from April 20-November 11. Sponsored by Mayflower Moving Company: "Box It and Get It Moving On The Road Today!"

Aww, Why You Wanna Racist Appliances?