The Newest Scheduled Appearances at the Upcoming VidCon '24

The massively successful VidCon US is back with another amazing roster of influencers, online personalities, and other anonymous randos who just happen to own a smart phone. Here are the latest social luminaries that will be there:

• TikTok cooking instructor Kalley Hossus will explain why she isn't legally liable for the 300+ deaths after her latest cooking video.

• 12 year old influencer JEFF2YA will fight retired kickboxer Rick Roufus to the death.

• Olivia Rodrigo's limo will reportedly drive by the convention center.

• Instagram impressionist #ImpressionistDaniel will perfectly mimic a bunch of online personalities you don't know, but trust him— they're UNCANNY!

• The struggling garage band whose obscure hit trended on TikTok for about three days a month ago will be SELLING THEIR CDS in the parking lot.

Capitalism in 2021

Pictured, lower half: a YouTube preroll that announces that Amazon raised its minimum wage to  $15/hr for warehouse employees. Rather than actually improve working conditions and paying their employees more, Amazon decided to spend a lot of that money on promoting their modest pay raises.

Pictured top half: Jeff Bezos takes off into the upper atmosphere for 15 minutes with William Shatner and a small group of other rich people in a dick-shaped rocket not to further science or break new ground, just because.

The ProofrEADJer: End of August Edition

25 Days of Hallmark Movies: Day 18: "My Christmas Grandpa" Starring Bill Cobbs and Vivica A. Fox

Kids in these movies are annoyingly selfless when it comes to their Christmas wish. They always wish their parents would get along or that their quirky aunt would find someone special. Which is bullshit because real life kids would step over their grandmother for a new drone or Hatchimals. In this short film from Lifetime, a young girl turns her back on the entire toy industry–and all the people who depend on toy sales to feed their families–and wishes for something abstract. Can you even imagine? How selfish.

Plot summary: "The cashier at a small market is a grouchy man who never has a smile for anyone; but when a little girl asks for a Grandpa for Christmas and chooses him, he is completely transformed by the child’s love and compassion."

Romance Factor: N/A

Christmas Cheer: 9

Overall Rating: 9 out of 10

Time Until First Kiss: N/A (gross, dude!)

Rockville Festival in Jacksonville Florida: Lineup 2016

Personally, I'd skip Sunday. 

(Click to enlarge)

Don't Look Now, But...

What the? How did this happen? Some possible theories:

Marshall at age 29 creates a time machine and travels 30 years into the future, so he can finally dine at the 5th Avenue Diner in Brooklyn.

Marshall was so smitten by Jeanette's handling of RFP's at Cramer-Krasselt that he is stalking her, trying to woo her back to his agency. Also, he donned a Davy Crockett coonskin cap.

Ever see Sam Shepard's "Fool For Love" with Harry Dean Stanton as a bigamist who has another wife in another town? Like that, but with a coonskin cap.

Marshall, a big swinger in the seventies, slept with Marsha Touhy while visiting New York. Marsha Touhy decided to keep the baby and raise him to be everything his hippie father was not: a more upstanding, more responsible human being. Also, she buys him a coonskin cap.

That's probably some young guy who resembles Marshall a lot but doesn't have any real connection to him in any way. But what fun is that.

Scientists in Finland have successfully cloned a Marshall Ross. They have uploaded the new clone with the latest fighting techniques, a chip in the brain that stores terabytes of defense secrets, a coonskin cap, and a bionic leg that can kick a hole in a trash can. But they have not taught the clone how to love...Clone of Love, starring Sandra Bullock and Jeremy Piven as Marshall.


Do you have any theories?