UAG

The Palpable Desperation of Safeway Brand Breakfast Cereals

"Hey, I'm a magical creature, too! And look, I've got orange triangles, purple moons, green wedges, yellow...uh...semicircles? Hey, where are you going?"

"I too am a jungle creature, but look at me using my TONGUE instead of my NOSE to find these Silly Circles (No, they're not supposed to be flies; don't be sick)!"

"Hey, you nearsighted grandpa, reach for me over here! That's it! Don't look too closely!"

"Hey, did you know? The expensive cartoon character FLINTSTONE evolved from green generic monkeys like me! And pebbles came from nuggets! It's true! Ask the Smithsonian!"

"Yarrr! Nautical theme over here! I'm not in the military but lookit all these crazy tentacles, son! Don't cry, this cereal is just as good as when your Dad had a job! :("

"I give up."

Joel's Dicklance Story Leak FOUND!

"Admittedly, I was the one who broke this rumor to the tabloids. Coinciding with my departure is an overall creative department need to up their dick-eating quotient as a team. I’m not saying whether Joel’s name was the first one tossed (salad), but you can probably draw your own conclusions. Will Joel return? Only Ayana knows for sure. And the man in the Michigan Avenue penthouse. And Grape Ape."

-Andrew Gall