"Life Without Liberty is Like a Body Without Pathmark."

How's This For A Depressing Piece of Junk Mail

Man, there are so many perks to being Catholic. Like the inherent cultural guilt. Or the forty or so odd confirmation ceremonies you have to endure before you're an "adult." Or getting on the mailing list of the Archdiocese of Newark so you receive junk mail for mausoleum plots. 

I got this lovely full-color brochure for the "beautiful and majestic" Gate of Heaven Chapel Mausoleum just last week, and I gotta say, if I hadn't watched "Phantasm" back in the day, I'd consider chucking my corpse in one of those dresser drawers. No I wouldn't.  

I guess the most interesting part of the brochure is the "0% interest financing," which means this bad boy is probably pretty expensive. I guess it either teaches young people the value of saving all the way up till they grow up and croak or gives dying people the opportunity to really stick some serious debt to their loved ones. Because fuck them. Especially Nancy.

(Don't think that it escaped me that the two previous jokes centered around Germans.)

Stay tuned as I come around to downloading the mobile app to see what the heck that thing does. Because I'm curious now. Can you talk to the dead with it? Does it offer human remains Instagram filters? Does it track the police so you and your teen girlfriend can get it on under the gazebo?

A Special Cinco De Mayo Greeting From Cement Bird

Cement Bird, as some of you might remember, can only communicate through shitty FWD emails.


----- Forwarded Message ----
From: Ron
To: Undisclosed-Recipient@yahoo.com
Sent: Tue, December 15, 2009 1:24:05 AM
Subject: Fw: [Fwd: Fw: Obituary YOU MUST READ THIS!!!!!]





Find Out How You Can Start Making $6487 a Month At HOME

No virus found in this incoming message.
Checked by AVG - www.avg.com
Version: 8.5.427 / Virus Database: 270.14.108/2565 - Release Date: 12/14/09 19:40:00

Okay... I appreciate the preachy FWD, Cement Bird. But your timing sucks on two counts: it's two weeks past Easter, and Osama Bin Laden just died, so are you sure you want to throw out an obituary so close to that news? Just sayin'.

Oh, also, you misspelled "Jerusalem."

Some Instances Where Responding "That's What She Said!" Probably Wouldn't Be Right

"Well, I've never been so disappointed in my life."
"I'm actually a man."
"I think we should just be friends, Matthew."
"Where did all this extra ham come from?"
"Sir, I'm very sorry to tell you this, but you have leukemia."
"Holy shit. What a small penis!"
"Tickets, please."
"Can we stop now?"
"Oh my God. I can't feel my legs!"
"Your total is $4.56."
"Hello, my name is Jean Claude Van Damme."
"RAPE!"
"I need to be alone for a while."
"No, thank you."
"Woof."
"The dry areas indicate where the drought hit hardest."
"I don't think I can trust you anymore."
"These goddamned fritters are so fucking hard to prepare."
"That's what she said!"
"Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus."
"You're not worth it."
"This is an abomination."
"I'm so depressed."
"I sliced it as thin as I could for you."

The One Where I Really Give It To Some Inanimate Objects

Bead Maze


Bead Maze?! What. The. Fuck. You know what your problem is? You don't know what the hell you are. Admit it, you're not really a maze; you're just a bunch of crap wooden beads strung along some shitty wire. Okay, maybe it's a challenging "maze" to an infant, but infants don't know shit already- babies are confused by shoes and doors. So you're setting a really low bar for yourself.

And putting yourself on wheels to be pulled around is a pathetic attempt at trying to be a fun toy. Oh boy, let's wheel this boring thing over here– maybe it will be more interesting across the room. No, how about down that long flight of Exorcist stairs? I can't stand you, Bead Maze. Go fuck yourself.

Posters That Show Elvis, Marilyn Monroe, James Dean and Others Hanging Out




You guys have got to cut it out. I know that there are a lot of fans of James Dean who also appreciate Marilyn Monroe and others, but God, why this insistent urge to have them hanging around and shooting pool as if they were all best friends? It's tacky. No, it's fucking TRAGIC. Leave those dead people be. Even in the best airbrushing jobs, Humphrey Bogart looks uncomfortable and embarrassed. Sure, it's true that Elvis emulated his movie star heroes James Dean and Marlon Brando, but it's also a known fact that his idols were "sullen, self-obsessed and at times completely anti-social."

How about if you guys just take it down a notch with your masturbatory Hollywood horseshit. None of you can even get consistent lighting on the movie stars. You're misguided, horribly rendered pieces of art trash. And I fucked your mothers.

Olives

FUCK YOU, OLIVES. YOU ARE NEVER WELCOME! Well, maybe in a martini. BUT NOT ON PIZZA OR SALAD OR IN LITTLE DISHES AT ITALIAN RESTAURANTS!!! YOUR SEMI-CRISP TEXTURE AND BITTER TASTE INFURIATE ME SO MUCH I WANT TO BURN YOUR TREES AND DRAG THEIR ASHY HUSKS OFF A PIER! AND GET THOSE STUPID SHITTY PIMENTOS OUT OF YOUR ASSES. YOU LOOK LIKE A BUNCH OF ASSHOLES!

***Bonus Note: I just noticed that that bead maze was sort of shaped like a choo choo. Another nice try, pinheads.