The EADJ Pun Police: Concert Security Edition

Yes, this is a big venue. But the size of the crowd shouldn't keep me from doing my job. HEY YOU,  NO GLASS CONTAINERS ON THE GRASS! Let's keep an eye on the troublemakers and make sure the puns aren't too out of line, shall we?

Okay, that's a bit of a groaner. But it's a bold move to make an abortion joke. I'll allow it.

Rum-Ball. Ugh. That's not too good. Gonna have to kick them out next time they act up.

HEY SUBWAY! That's no way to behave in the pit! You're outta here!

I don't know who you are, but "GNAT A PROBLEM" is an awful pun and strictly forbidden at this venue as stated on your ticket, so you're OUT. OUT!

STOP THE SHOW! EVACUATE THE PREMISES! GET THE TALENT OFF THE STAGE! EVERYONE IS IN DANGER HERE! OUT! OUT! OUT! 

UAG

Unnecessary Backstories for Mott's Applesauce Pouch Mascots Redd and Seedney

Few things are more riveting than reading the package graphics on your kids' snack food. It was during this activity that I came upon Redd and Seedney on a package of Mott's Applesauce Pouches. Apparently Redd and Seedney are ambassadors for Mott's other delicious pouch offerings, each representing a different SKU. Here now, because we're bored, are some fabricated backstories for each of these delightful new characters:

Redd

Full name: Redd Strawberryman. Born in the 1950s during the Second Communist Scare, he was ironically named by his beatnik parents when he was conceived in a strawberry patch in their commune (an alternate name was McCarthy). To the horror of his parents, Redd devoted his life to ultra-conservative ideals, attending anti-immigrant rallies and boycotting all of Jane Fonda's movies. He is now a fundamentalist preacher and currently resides in Bouckville, NY with his lover Daniel and their adopted children.

Seedney

Born Seedney Opeerahouse in Plano, Texas. Seedney is the accidental offspring of a wild orgy between a raspberry, two blueberries, a strawberry, and Andy Dick. Mott loves to feature Seedney's mixed ethnicity as proof of their dedication to diversity. Seedney loves flea markets, Fortnite, highway medians, and British band The Fixx's 1983 album "Reach The Beach". Seedney is a staunch Flat Earther.

We Take A Brief Break from 25 Days of Hallmark Movies For A Program Note From EADJ, Courtesy of Fiverr

That might be the first time the ProofrEADJer has ever been pronounced out loud. Thanks to Fiverr seller kishameraa!