UAG

Special "Just In Time, Suckas!" Entry For The Labor Day Weekend

Pictured below, some douchebag on vacation realizes his Hummer (with luggage racks!) doesn't somehow have enough hauling space for all his douchebag gear.

Fun fact: a Hummer's mileage when towing a full U-Haul trailer is actually negative five miles per gallon.

The ProofrEADJer, August Edition

Jackasses Are Also Douches

Earlier last month, J'Net bought me these nice, embossed cards to leave on other people's cars:


Just yesterday, I got to use my first. I was trying to pull into a space in a Target parking lot, but this big black SUV had parked almost diagonally with its stupid ginormous back right wheel into my space. I pulled out one of J'Net's cards and placed it under their windshield, but not without removing a cigar stub that someone else had left there (presumably another parker with the same complaint).

After picking up what I needed in the store, I came back out to see some crewcutted dude in mirror shades going to the SUV. I hung back, pretending to be waiting for another ride while I watched him walk behind his car, look at the parking job, then look at the cars on either side. He wasn't messing with my car, so I just waited until he pulled away angrily. Then I went back to my car like the nonconfrontational coward I am.

I've learned two important lessons from this maiden voyage:

1) If you're going to leave one of those cards on a car, don't park next to that car.

2) No matter how hot the weather gets, when leaving a card, do NOT keep your window cracked.



Thanks for giving back card #1, you stogie-chomping asshole! I get to use it again on another of your insufferable kind!

Let's Tie Some Decorative Yarn Around the Ends of the EADJ Mail Sack!

From Emily Kane in Chicago, an email with photos entitled "blue frog #2 SUCKS:"

"I thought you should know that the 2nd blue frog, which opened up on Hubbard just east of State, does NOT measure up.

captured via camera phone: huge, douchebaggy river north sports bar with pathetic attempts at infusing the beloved kitsch factor."




You see, the original Blue Frog on Erie & Lasalle was a shit bar. It was a hole in the wall with random patrons that happened to have some board games lying around, and they just happened to serve great burgers with tater tots. Now, to expand that into a "brass 'n fern" type place where bachelorette parties come to do melonball shots and some floor traders come to cheer on their favorite college lacrosse game– that's an abomination.


The fact that they've hung some dusty board games from the ceiling of this nice place to copy the original bar shows you how incongruous it really is.


Weak.

EADJ Science: The 3 Laws of Conveniencedynamics

Here at the EADJ Institute we are always striving to better society by publishing new findings in the field of science or dick eating. Recently we've uncovered a new scientific principle that helps describe one of the least understood forces in the universe: convenience.

The First Law of Conveniencedynamics

"Convenience can neither be created nor destroyed. It can only change forms."


In any closed system, the total amount of convenience is the same. For example, in Fig. 1.1, the person NOT pushing the revolving door because her fat ass is too busy drinking a grande mochalatte is creating more work for the person behind her, who must push twice as hard. The added convenience of enjoying a rich chocolate iced coffee drink with whipped cream while going to work has made it less convenient for the next commuter. The First Law can be expressed thusly:


The Second Law of Conveniencedynamics

"The total entropy, or disorder, of any isolated convenience system tends to increase over time, approaching a maximum value."



This Second Law states that in any closed system of convenience, the total amount of disorder tends to increase over time. For example, a woman (Fig. 1.2) walking down a subway walkway while reading "He's Just Not That Into You" is creating more and more likelihood of people dodging her and walking around her, creating more of a pigfuck in the tunnel when you're just trying to get past. Its mathematical equivalent:

(You may also notice that the woman created so much disorder in the tunnel that a man steps in dogshit.)

The Third Law of Conveniencedynamics

"Convenience can never reach absolute zero."

Whether you're blocking a walkway AND access to an ATM (Fig. 1.3), blocking a thru-way at a salad bar(Fig. 1.4), or just being a turdbag in front of your friends (Fig. 1.5), the convenience you get from texting is never zero; you do get some sort of convenience– however minimal– from reading your buddy's message saying "HEY WUT U DOIN LOL?".




This Third Law has the simplest formula:

Still Thinking About It

No, seriously. What does that shirt mean?

That Barack Obama wields a pair of nunchaku? That Michelle Obama used to be a TV reporter who wore yellow jumpsuits? That Obama will be later radically redesigned for a younger audience after an initial run of gritty and violent comic book appearances?

Maybe it means that a "President Barack Obama" is a fictional idea? That John McCain is a villainous ninjutsu master and leader of the Foot Clan?
And does that make Sarah Palin Bebop or Rocksteady?

It makes about as much sense as this:



MindFAIL.

An Imagined Conversation.

"Awright, we're in!"

"WOO-HOO!"

(high five)

"Look at this place. What a fucking dump!"

"Yeah, where the bitches at? I need a beer."

"Me too. This place is fucking DEAD!"

"Well, let's turn this shit out, then, bro."

(high five)

"..."

"Shit. Why is everyone so quiet?"

"They're all watching that black chick playing guitar on stage. She's kinda hot."

"SHOW YOUR TITS!"

"Don't you shush us, lady. Me and Mike paid to get in here!"

"That hot chick is playing like Mexican elevator music or whatever."

"I'd fuck her, though. Right?"

"Totally."

(high five)

"This ain't exactly a 'bad ass' show like the poster outside said. No Hoobastank or Trapt or nuthin'."

"Yeah, kind of lame. Stay here. I'll go grab some Natural Lights."

Dear Pathmark Gum Machine Guy:

Nice message you're sending the kids. Fuck you, buddy.

Wok This Way

(pictured above, some reappropriated hip hop lettering in Chinatown)

Wotta Guy.

(pictured above, the actual signed DVD that Michael Bay sent me)

Making Douches With Bottles of Beer.

If the previous issue were any indication, August's issue of Wassup! Magazine was sure to be full of photos of douchebags doing backwards devil horn hand signals. But surprisingly, this was not the case. The magazine itself proved to be hard to find, since most bars in the Wicker Park area simply toss the stack of free magazines in the trash shortly after they are delivered. And you thought Cans had no taste!


The cover, at least, promised plenty of poor wardrobe choices and general cheesecock douchery. I also suspect that the cover's art director is a big Minnesota Vikings fan.


But a few pages in, EADJ was shocked to see such a dearth of devil horns.




Only until the very end of the issue were there any backwards devil horns. This one photo singlehandedly made the douche quota for Wassup! Magazine's editorial staff, ensuring another six months of funding by the National Endowment of the Arts and the Illinois Association of Journalists.



***CORRECTION: The photo labeled "Mothers 2" is actually The Windy City Inn.***

The Scourge of Backwards Devil Horns, A Photo Essay

The following are excerpts from the most recent issue of "Wassup" magazine. Or something.




Tragic.