Some Ways That Aggressive Glass & Mirrors Drums Up Business

 

• They throw a brick through your front window and say "tsk tsk tsk."

• They hire a goon to come smash the shit out of your mirrors. And he takes the seven years bad luck because he ain't no snitch.

•  They run over your dog and make some clumsy joke about being blind and seeing eye dogs and you needing new blinds.

• They tell you that there's some really cool, amazing stuff happening outside your window but that you need new $1200 panes to really appreciate it.

• Three words: MICHAEL BAY WINDOWS.

• They threaten to give away the plot details of the "Homeland" episode you're watching unless you invest in some insulated windows which are surprisingly easy to open and clean when you really try them out. You should really give it a try unless you want to hear that Brody was framed for the bombing of CIA headquarters.

• They give you the finger inches from your face as they estimate, order, repair and invoice the window job for you.

• They "repair" your cracked coffee table glass top with Jimmy "Superfly" Snuka's ass in a sweet version of his "Superfly Splash."

• Fuck you

• Their hold music is "Architecture of Aggression" by Megadeth.

• They start a drawn out, expensive war under false pretenses, linking a terrorist attack to a completely unrelated foreign country that they wanted to invade in the first place for their oil wells.

Robo Morphers: Less Than Meets The Eye

As Christmas approaches, tons of blogs and TV shows roll out their annual gift ideas sections, suggesting solar-powered foot massagers or baseball-themed golf accessories and golf-themed baseball accessories. But what most of them ignore is that kids (especially boys) still want only one thing: Transformers.

Yes, undeterred by the failure of "Transformers 2: Rise Of The Fallen" and the underwhelming overwhelming of "Transformers 3: Dark Of The Moon," scores of kids still want transforming robots in their lives.


And who can blame them? Shit is awesome. The idea of a truck transforming into a fighting biped robot is almost irresistible to most male brains (except Andy Dick).



But as I was perusing the aisles of K-Mart the other day, I happened upon a cheaper alternative to the famous Autobots:




Sad, right? I felt so bad for this Endcap of Misfit Toys, that I bought three of them to examine what made them special.





Here are some quick clips of what the toys sound like:







Wow, it almost sounds as if the toymakers were too cheap to record three different sounds and just applied the same one to all three.

And... here they come! Robo Morphers: Stay assembled!

Figure 7.8: How Some Things Suck More Than Others

(Click to enlarge)

We've taken the time to plot "Incident On a Dark Street" on the EADJ Crappinema Badness Scale. You'll see it falls between "Shell Game" and "All the Kind Strangers," which means it was actually pretty semi-watchable.

And just for scale of reference to mainstream movies, if I were to put "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen" on this graph, you'd see it between "Somewhere Tomorrow" and "Jock of the Bushveldt." Yeah, THAT bad.

Maybe A Little Obsessive.

I spotted in a recent issue of "Fantastic Man" magazine, one of those M&M ads that turns celebrities into creepy edible versions of themselves.


I noticed his signature, and it got me wondering if the DVD he gave me a long time ago was really signed by him or by some PA flunkie.


So a quick check verified the arrogantly ambitious "M," the overcomplicated "B" and the plot-be-damned "Y" flourish. It's a match!


Yay, I can now forge trillion dollar checks at the Check Cashing place on 9th Street.

Humping The Shark

The Michael Bay Verizon commercial gets played before Uwe Boll's "Postal," which literally played on only 4 screens nationwide last weekend. There were only four people in this theatre, so big media buy there.

Wotta Guy.

(pictured above, the actual signed DVD that Michael Bay sent me)