UAG

 

Twitter's Least Used Hashtags, Week of March 27

Since nobody else on Twitter is using these shitty hashtags, you can be unique and use them yourself and finally stand out, you pathetic Twitter user. Man, your parents are so disappointed in you.

#pus

#Sharialawyer

#darthvaping

#titsandtaxrefunds

#MrsDashblowjobs

#karatechoppingfetuses

#katieholmesfanclub1999

#Itweetedthisontheshitter

#humblebragcancersurvivor

#coveringupfartswithChanelNo5

#thathilariousadcampaignwiththatguy

#i'mprettysurethatsushiguyjustfartedwhilemakingmycaliforniaroll

EADJ Magazine Feature: ASIS

If you ride the New York subway regularly, you'll often find a tiny magazine/bodega on the actual platforms. These vendors carry magazine titles that you won't see at your local Borders- often there's a black woman with a gigantic ass on the cover of these periodicals. It was here that I bought a copy of ASIS.


ASIS. The magazine for hustlas, bangers, playas, and ballers who need something to read while waiting at the orthodontist's office.


ASIS boasts articles like "Most Expensive Cars," "Expungement 101," "Domestic Violence: When She Lies," and "How To Bake Vegan Cupcakes In Only 45 Minutes."


One prominent article involved self-defense and domestic abuse, offering helpful ways to avoid getting arrested when your lying bitch of a wife claims you whaled on her when you totally didn't.



Other "how to" articles ranged from the practical to the highly-aspirational:


Oh yeah. There's also booty.



Throw in a rambling interview with wrongly-convicted inmate Darryl "Reese" Johnson with a history of drug dealing and murder attempts, and you've got yourself Issue 13 of ASIS on the newsstands!

Proof I'm Not Ready To Be A Father Yet

In the latest issue of SkyWest Magazine (??!????!!!???!?!???!!???), I get a chuckle from two ads that put "nutz" and "beaver" next to each other.

Finally, Some Recognition

Spotted in the Fall 2010 issue of Essence Hot Hair (which reminds me– I need to renew my subscription), an article about notable black hair moments in film:


In case you were wondering, "B.A.P.S." came out in 1997, and Essence Hot Hair has only been publishing since October 2010, so this is why "B.A.P.S." hadn't gotten the recognition it deserves in the pantheon of black hair for 13 years. So you can stop the letter writing campaign now.

A Great Tip From Self Magazine

Spotted on the cover of "Self" at Pathmark: a blurb in pink:



"Look Like You Lost 5 Pounds?!"

Is losing five pounds that hard? Shit fucking ballsack. How goddamned lazy do you have to be to be unable to drop five lousy pounds? I lose that after an extended dump. I lose that after skipping a lunch. I lose that after getting off my fat ass and going for a run. Shit, people. "Look like you lost 5 pounds." Self Magazine, instead of encouraging you to eat right or –God forbid– exercise, has helped you craft a way to fool all of your friends into thinking you lost five pounds. They are spinning a web of lies for you from which you cannot escape. One lie leads to another, and soon you're murdering a janitor to use his corpse to fake your own death so that you can move to Mexico and start a new life! Don't read that article!

By the way, nobody notices when you lose only five pounds. Lose ten pounds and then we can talk, fatass.

Adden-dick.

There was something familiar about the cover of the August issue of Wassup Magazine, but the EADJ editors couldn't place it. That was, until we broke out our New Jack Swing LP collection. Yep Yep.

Making Douches With Bottles of Beer.

If the previous issue were any indication, August's issue of Wassup! Magazine was sure to be full of photos of douchebags doing backwards devil horn hand signals. But surprisingly, this was not the case. The magazine itself proved to be hard to find, since most bars in the Wicker Park area simply toss the stack of free magazines in the trash shortly after they are delivered. And you thought Cans had no taste!


The cover, at least, promised plenty of poor wardrobe choices and general cheesecock douchery. I also suspect that the cover's art director is a big Minnesota Vikings fan.


But a few pages in, EADJ was shocked to see such a dearth of devil horns.




Only until the very end of the issue were there any backwards devil horns. This one photo singlehandedly made the douche quota for Wassup! Magazine's editorial staff, ensuring another six months of funding by the National Endowment of the Arts and the Illinois Association of Journalists.



***CORRECTION: The photo labeled "Mothers 2" is actually The Windy City Inn.***