"A Man Should Never Neglect His Pathmark For Business."

Fresh Direct Thursday: Enchiladas With Beef Short Rib In Salsa Mestiza, or How To Make Your Tastebuds Seriously Consider Suicide

Today we decided to really take one for the team and try the Enchiladas With Beef Short Rib In Salsa Mestiza from Rosa Mexicano Kitchen. Now, this turned out to be one of the worst dishes yet. You fuckers owe me big.


The kitchen was not only busy today, but there was an actual LINE to the vending machine. I guess this either speaks to the readership of EADJ or how busy some people are in the middle of the day at Toucan Cleric's Fun.



Most of the times that I've eaten Beef Enchiladas I've either been drunk at 2am or been held hostage by banditos and that's all they had to feed me. So microwavable enchiladas are a "special" "treat."



Initially, I had trouble even getting the dish out of the machine. I guess even it knew I wouldn't like it.



There was no nutritional information on either the beef enchilada packaging or on the little sign on the vending machine. So instead, here's a photo of Sybil Danning:




Three minutes later, Ding!



I'm not really super-sensitive when it comes to the texture of food. But there was something about the morphing, gooey nature of the inside of the enchiladas that reminded me of those melting Nazi faces in Raiders of the Lost Ark. I was not looking forward to biting into that.


Now, how do I put this- My mouth was raided by spices and reluctant meat. Beef arrived to the party but decided to sulk in the corner on the sofa. Meanwhile, the spices tried to talk to everyone without sticking around to say anything important or sensible.
Meanwhile cheese showed up and changed the music to Helen Reddy and Perry Como. And then salsa rummaged through everyone's coats on the bed to look for money.





Overall rating: F

EADJ Science: The 3 Laws of Conveniencedynamics

Here at the EADJ Institute we are always striving to better society by publishing new findings in the field of science or dick eating. Recently we've uncovered a new scientific principle that helps describe one of the least understood forces in the universe: convenience.

The First Law of Conveniencedynamics

"Convenience can neither be created nor destroyed. It can only change forms."


In any closed system, the total amount of convenience is the same. For example, in Fig. 1.1, the person NOT pushing the revolving door because her fat ass is too busy drinking a grande mochalatte is creating more work for the person behind her, who must push twice as hard. The added convenience of enjoying a rich chocolate iced coffee drink with whipped cream while going to work has made it less convenient for the next commuter. The First Law can be expressed thusly:


The Second Law of Conveniencedynamics

"The total entropy, or disorder, of any isolated convenience system tends to increase over time, approaching a maximum value."



This Second Law states that in any closed system of convenience, the total amount of disorder tends to increase over time. For example, a woman (Fig. 1.2) walking down a subway walkway while reading "He's Just Not That Into You" is creating more and more likelihood of people dodging her and walking around her, creating more of a pigfuck in the tunnel when you're just trying to get past. Its mathematical equivalent:

(You may also notice that the woman created so much disorder in the tunnel that a man steps in dogshit.)

The Third Law of Conveniencedynamics

"Convenience can never reach absolute zero."

Whether you're blocking a walkway AND access to an ATM (Fig. 1.3), blocking a thru-way at a salad bar(Fig. 1.4), or just being a turdbag in front of your friends (Fig. 1.5), the convenience you get from texting is never zero; you do get some sort of convenience– however minimal– from reading your buddy's message saying "HEY WUT U DOIN LOL?".




This Third Law has the simplest formula:

Two More Rolly Wrap Converts

Wednesday was the initiation of both Lorraine and Beth into the Club of People Who Have Eaten the Rolly Wrap (current known members– about 4). The Rolly Wrap lunch was arranged after one girl's interest was piqued after reading the EADJ blog entry and the other one needed to get her mind off her crippling, relentless addiction to painkillers and black tar heroin.


Amazingly, Beth admitted to never having eaten at Old Bridge Deli in the year or so that she worked next door. Lorraine was amazed and enchanted at the upstairs dining area, which seriously features two zen fountains and two fully-equipped conference rooms (?!?!?!). Shit, I forgot to take a photo of those. Next time.

Here are Beth and Lorraine's reviews of their respective Rolly Wrap experiences:


Beth:

Despite the confusion over the appropriate pronunciation of "Rolly"(like the NC capital or rhymes with "poley"?), the result of my experience is clear: Rolly Wraps are soft, satisfying, satiating, and savory. Their turd-like appearance belies the gooey goodness within. I would recommend this doughy delight to friends and family. On the sprinach/squasage satisfaction scale, I'd give it two thrumbs up.


Lorraine:

The Rolly Wrap held true to its name, like a mini stromboli made personally for me. It was steaming hot, cheesy deliciousness that really hit the spot. Although I do think there could be a broader selection (such as a chicken cheesesteak Rolly Wrap), the hand held meal was a tasty mid-week treat. The only other thing that could have enhanced the experience would have been to book a conference room in advance to the right of the Zen garden for a more personal experience. One and a half thumbs up.

Love,
Lorraine

Their glowing write-ups, however, would stand for only a short time. About an hour after lunch, Beth sent this via IM:

---------

And on a follow up note, my stomach is now making noises that sound a lot like cookie monster slowly enunciating "rooooooollllllyyyyyy"

my stomach is acting adversely.
it's rejecting the rolly.
it's alternating nosies of "awwwooooogggaaaa" and "weeeeeee"

the problem is my nose is really stuffy
so i want to blow my noise
but i'm afraid that will set off a chain reaction of other things

---------

Beth would later report some difficulty in the ladies' room, describing the ordeal as "like pushing a potato through a kazoo*."

No complaints about gastric events were heard from Lorraine. Maybe because she was already lost in the intoxicating world of painkillers and black tar heroin.


*Her words, not mine.**

**Not really.

RELATED NOTE: Some crap blog named Midtown Lunch has published their own review of Rolly Wraps here. You'll see that it was dated 9/10/08, whereas EADJ's first posting of this delicacy was on August 20. Scoop scooped, motherfuckers!

ANOTHER RELATED NOTE: As promised, here is the exchange I had on Sept 25 with that random girl in line over how mesmerizing the Rolly Wrap making process was.



I didn't mean to creepily point the camera at her toes. Just wanted to record audio.