To The Male Employee At The Place Where I Work Who's Too Lazy To Take The Elevator Down To The Lobby To Go Outside And Have Your Stupid Cigarette:

1) You're stinking up the men's bathroom with your cigarette.

2) You're a filthy asshole.

3) You're not fooling anybody.

EADJ Science: The 3 Laws of Conveniencedynamics

Here at the EADJ Institute we are always striving to better society by publishing new findings in the field of science or dick eating. Recently we've uncovered a new scientific principle that helps describe one of the least understood forces in the universe: convenience.

The First Law of Conveniencedynamics

"Convenience can neither be created nor destroyed. It can only change forms."


In any closed system, the total amount of convenience is the same. For example, in Fig. 1.1, the person NOT pushing the revolving door because her fat ass is too busy drinking a grande mochalatte is creating more work for the person behind her, who must push twice as hard. The added convenience of enjoying a rich chocolate iced coffee drink with whipped cream while going to work has made it less convenient for the next commuter. The First Law can be expressed thusly:


The Second Law of Conveniencedynamics

"The total entropy, or disorder, of any isolated convenience system tends to increase over time, approaching a maximum value."



This Second Law states that in any closed system of convenience, the total amount of disorder tends to increase over time. For example, a woman (Fig. 1.2) walking down a subway walkway while reading "He's Just Not That Into You" is creating more and more likelihood of people dodging her and walking around her, creating more of a pigfuck in the tunnel when you're just trying to get past. Its mathematical equivalent:

(You may also notice that the woman created so much disorder in the tunnel that a man steps in dogshit.)

The Third Law of Conveniencedynamics

"Convenience can never reach absolute zero."

Whether you're blocking a walkway AND access to an ATM (Fig. 1.3), blocking a thru-way at a salad bar(Fig. 1.4), or just being a turdbag in front of your friends (Fig. 1.5), the convenience you get from texting is never zero; you do get some sort of convenience– however minimal– from reading your buddy's message saying "HEY WUT U DOIN LOL?".




This Third Law has the simplest formula:

How Danny's Mind Works

Remember Danny? The fine producer who happens to be blessed with the gift of talking to BBQ sandwiches?


Well, he spotted a roll the other day in edit and remarked, "that roll looks like Pikachu."


Here is Pikachu for comparison:


Nobody could corroborate Danny's claim, although several BBQ chicken sandwiches nodded in agreement.

Happy Jerald Lunch Eve!

"From the death of each day's hope another hope sprung up to live to-morrow."
-Charles Dickens

Weeks have come down to days. And now, days to hours. Anticipation has crescendoed into a palpable, feverish buzz. WE ARE MEETING JERALD TOMORROW.

July 19, 2008 will be an historic date for Eat A Dick Joel. That's why we have decided to declare July 19 National Jerald Prevalence Day. Observance of this day will begin next year with the following itinerary:

8:00am General Welcome and releasing of the doves
8:30am The Popping o' the Collar
9:00-9:15am Mid-morning snack
9:15-10:00am Breaking up into discussion groups and "buddies"
10:00-11:00am Stretching and Calisthenics
11:30-12:00pm Pre-lunch snacks
12:00-2:00pm Lunch
2:00-2:30pm Mopping Lessons
2:30-3:00pm Talent Show
3:00-5:30pm Orgy
5:30-6:30pm Mid-afternoon snack
6:30-6:45pm Lecture: Popular Patio Floor Materials and Their Maintenance
6:45-7:00pm Dinner
7:00-10:00pm Awards Ceremony and Certification / Hoe Down

Let's Smoke the EADJ Mail Sack!

(submitted by Tom Weingard, via email)
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"I met a dude on the chairlift in aspen who’s from around where I’m from in philly and I gave him my email because he said his nephew was looking for ad agencies in nyc, who I have since helped. The dude went out there on a trip by himself which I thought was ballsy and I immediately thought ’gay’, but of course I don’t know. Then he sent me this recently after having a couple email passes...

Where do you work anyway. What do you do again?
Something in advertising right.

I am a Banker. I have a pretty good job. I cannot complain about money. I am overpaid really.

I travel an hour each day so that part is expensive with the gas.
I'm 42. I have a house. I bet you are under 30. Do you rent an apartment in NY? The funny thing is we had our ski stuff on the time I met you and all I remember is you were taller than me I think with dark hair. Not sure really.

I don't have lots of money or anything but I have the use of credit cards. I figure what am I saving my money for anyway.
Get out to Aspen again. What is it a money issue???

Well I will talk to you later.

*name*

Is this dude trying to hit on me?"

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What do YOU think, dear reader? Frankly, I can't think of anything straight that can come after "I met a dude on a chairlift."

Also, who the fuck writes down someone's email on a chairlift?