Brutal Finishing Moves of the New Mortal Kombat Game

Earlier in April, Mortal Kombat X (or MKX) was released for the PS4, Xbox One and Steam, and like its predecessors, features tons of violent finishing moves, or Fatalities.

Here is a list of the new Fatality finishing moves:

• Cassie Cage destroys Liu Kang's antivaccination rationale

• Takeda completely rips on Sonya Blade's Netflix rental history

• Kung Jin grabs Goro by the arm and tells him in private to "cool it about black people"

• Sub-Zero refuses to acknowledge Kitana at the next meet 'n greet mixer

• Kenshi doesn't deposit enough money into his and Quan Chi's joint bank account, thereby causing serious overdraft fees

• Mileena promises to pick you up at Baggage Claim but instead parks in Short Term and doesn't tell you

• Scorpion intentionally pronounces Kano's name wrong

• Johnny Cage disembowels D'Vorah, slashes her throat, and then skips out on their bar tab, leaving her to pay for everything

• Raiden starts texting to Goro, causing the gray circles in Chat by his name to show up, but doesn't end up typing anything at all, leaving Goro totally in suspense

Suddenly, I Forgot What I Was Going to Illegally Download.

Dear Pathmark Gum Machine Guy:

Nice message you're sending the kids. Fuck you, buddy.

Dick of the Litter

Someone needs to explain all the bruises.

While prepping Joel for a segment on "The View," makeup artist Marcia Duckworth noticed some strange purple marks on his neck and back. When asked about the marks, Joel acted nervous and peed his shorts. Marcia reported the incident to Joel Protective Services in Santa Monica.

Whoopi Goldberg also reported noticing Joel's neck bruises during the taping of his "View" segment but declined to bring it up. Instead, she told some easy anti-Bush jokes from 8 years ago.

Joel Protective Services contacted Joel earlier this morning to document his physical state and to question his chimp servant, Chad Yarborough. The chimp servant mumbled something about a trucker friend of Joel's who got angry when his dick wasn't eaten enough. He described the vioelnt altercation to agents then excused himself to start preparing Joel's fish dinner.

EADJ will keep you updated on what kind of fish the chimp servant is preparing as soon as the information becomes available– whether it's tilapia, scrod or just plain salmon.

(pictured above, a gift for that uncle of yours who just refuses to die already)