Next Stop, LOBSTERFEST®

The following unedited, uncorrected Lobsterfest entry was written after drinking about 8 "Dark & Stormy" cocktails and some expensive scotch on the rocks at a hotel bar in Toronto, which I have to admit knocked me off my dick:

You hire Benny Hinn, aka Sir Elton John, to change the lyrics of his classic hit "Crocodile Rock" to something about "Lobster Rock." All proceeds of the food sold will go to Princess Di's children- who are grown already- instead of to the B-52s who could have used the money. Life is a grand, unfair Lobsterfest.

Five fists in, you gather yourself and forget about all your troubles about dragons or vomit or whatever and MAKE YOURSELF SEE.

Luggage tags. Now that's a thematic, surprising way to ejoy lobster at the Lobsterfest at Lobsterfest®!

An OSX Update on your computer contains an .EXE file which turns out to be digitized pieces of real lobster meat. When you update your computer to OS X Version 10.8.6 ("Lobster") your desktop background changes to a bright red and nothing fucking works, and the only way to unlock your new brick of a laptop is to scream the word "lobster" into the built-in microphone. That doesn't seem like a complicated way at all to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster, does it? Oh yeah, no free wi-fi here.

If I were a betting man, I'd put money down on some property currently occupied by the local Crab Shack. In time, through intimidation and the cruel hand of market forces, the owners of the Crab Shack would be forced to close down. I would then swoop in, purchase the property under their struggling feet, and set up an illegal lobster stand with two folding tables and a kettle. Now fuck you, that would sell some cocksucking lobster at cocksucking Lobsterfest circle R and Red Lobster.

Answers To Yesterday's "Which Can, Erickson?"

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Okay, that was too easy, wasn't it?

We paired yesterday's mystery toilets with common spices to make the game less challenging, and suddenly everyone guessed all eight toilets within seconds. Bah, next time we'll let you people sweat it out more.

The ProofrEADJer: End of April Edition

This one's a two-fer:

This one submitted by Jason Rogers:

And this other piece of Engrish by Tom Weingard:

I Guess It's Time To Play "Which, Can Erickson" Again.

Match the following 16 toilets (each with a designated chemical from the Periodic Table of Elements) with one of the 16 locations below. Answers will be revealed tomorrow.



(Click to enlarge)


• The Salem Witch Museum, Salem, Massachusetts
• William Morris Agency, NYC
• Muir Woods Mill Valley, CA
• Paula's Fish Place, Leamington, Ontario, Canada
• Unnamed Organization, Chicago
• Shadow Springs Vineyard, Hamptonville, NC
• Manny Brown's, South Street, Philadelphia
• The Winchester Mystery House, San Jose, CA
• Crowne Plaza, Alexandria, VA
• Soho Bar, Ferndale, Michigan
• Lucasfilm, San Francisco, CA
• Assateague State Park, Ocean City, MD
• Racquet Club Ladue, St. Louis
• Andrew Gall's Apartment, Chicago
• Las Vegas Airport
• Alcatraz Island, San Francisco CA

UAG

An Imagined Conversation.

"Now, you can see, gentleman– and lady– on this next hologram that the All Terrain Armored Transport, or 'AT-AT' for short, features extremely heavy armor and armaments. The Imperial Department of Military Research are very proud of this latest assault walker design, and...excuse me."
"Yes?"
"Aren't you Anne Murray?"
"Yes."
"Wait. Anne Murray the singer?! How did you get into this Imperial officer weapons briefing (I'm a really big fan, by the way) ?"
"(Thanks) Well, I don't know, the door was open, and I guess I got off on the wrong floor..."
"What are you talking about, Anne Murray? This is the Death Star, a heavily guarded, self-contained space station in the middle of space! There's no possible way you could have just wandered into this room!"
"I have all your albums."
"Well, I'm afraid we might be forced to detain you, Mrs. Murray. But we must continue with the briefing."
"Please, continue. I find this very interesting."
"Thanks. Ahem. Now, the AT-AT is designed for the dual purpose of crushing and demoralizing enemy forces, but also as a transport for troops and light vehicles. And because of its heavy armor and stature, it can well be the first vehicle deployed to a combat zone. Jerjerrod!"
"Sorry. I wasn't paying attention. Mrs. Murray, I have to ask, why was the album I'll Be Seeing You released only in Canada and not elsewhere? It's one of my favorites."
"We can't have this discussion now. Or ever! It isn't canon!"
"What's canon?"
"You know, what's allowed in the Star Wa...this universe."
"Have you heard her version of I'm Gonna Sit Right Down and Write Myself a Letter? It's fantastic."
"Thanks!"
"I'm sure it's wonderful. You know, I think we all need a break now. Let's meet up in fifteen minutes. Guards, take Mrs. Murray to Cell Block 1138. And Jerjerrod, can I borrow that CD you mentioned so that I could rip it?"