The Grass Is Greener Where You Pathmark It

Here Are Your Job Numbers For The Week of Sept. 5 - Sept. 9

----- Forwarded Message -----
From: Tim Ortegas <tortegas@67media.com>
To: All <Allstaff@67media.com> 
Sent: Wednesday, September 7, 2022 9:13 AM
Subject: Zoom Etiquette / Job Numbers

Good morning everyone.

Just a quick note that if you're having a zoom call with clients, YOU MUST HAVE YOUR CAMERA ON. The client does not want to have a conversation with a thumbnail of a shocked Pikachu. They've told me as much.

Anyways, here are the job numbers for doing timesheets this week. Please submit by EOD Friday!

#955693 - Blending the contours

#223974 - Hiding the bodies

#808912 - Replacing Terrence Howard as Rhodey

#255305 - Promoting your stupid podcast

#930056 - Arguing with concert security

#503621 - Destroying the timeline

#141102 - Garden walk bullshit

The One Where Emily Vents About Her Least Favorite Words.

Here once again is the new EADJ segment "Emily VENTS," where Emily Kane seethes about stuff she doesn't like.

They're not overused, they're not slang (old or new), they're not consistently used incorrectly and they're not pretentious in any way.  I just hate them.


Helping.

As a verb, all good. As a noun, however: “May I have another helping of tuna noodle casserole?”

No. A helping can never be a dignified piece of chicken or a serving of cous cous. It’s a depressing,  warming-tray offering from your local hospital cafeteria that is either clearly out of a can or altogether unidentifiable. It’s the oily casserole dish that your grandmother serves in her doily-covered dining room when she “means well.” Problem is, the kid that says this actually means it.

Forever alone.

Dumpster.

The sad, fat, stunted younger sister of the illustrious Spinster.  Can be found lurking in the comfort shoe section at Dress Barn.  Approach with caution.

God told me I deserve supportive footwear.

Napkin.

MOM: “Put your napkin in your lapkin!”

ME: halfway out the driveway already

You’re doing it wrong.

Ointment.

“Oink” + “cunt” + greasy, thick oil = I will punch your mouth in the face if you suggest I use anything other than cream on my ringworm. 

Here comes the lipstick…

Bulbous. (not a Pokemon character)

Brings to mind nut sacks, goiters, nose warts, cauliflower ear and the Elephant Man.  Mmmmm.

When your goiter is perkier than your tits.

Yolk.  

That soft, subtle, shitty “l.” It’s like you tried to say yuck while your banana and egg yolk milkshake was still clogging your throat.  Choke on that, folk.

Err on the side of caution.

Bulge.

I’m suddenly assisting the whole cast of The Outsiders in rolling their jeans.

This Rob Lowe has cable.

Cheese Cloth.

Left on the cutting room floor alongside “urine sack hammock” in the “transvaginal mesh” brainstorm.  Shredded. 

Your gauze is showing.

Slacks.

Your grandpa called.  He needs you to help him slide these on his pasty, hairy legs.  Don’t you forget to tuck in those yellowing, oversized boxers, now.  (Careful with that elastic.  It’s about to pop at any moment.)

“Pappy needs a foot massage, dear.”

The preceding piece was written and compiled entirely by Emily Kane. Comments and complaints can be sent to: ekane@eadj.tv or posted as comments to this entry.

Here Are Your Timesheets For The Month of June

Hello everyone.

Sorry for the ALL AGENCY email, but I wanted to remind you that timesheets are due by end of day TODAY and we need all of you to submit yours before going to Wanda's goodbye party at The Hop after work.

Please take a few minutes to find your job numbers and fill out your weekly hours as usual. If you don't see your job numbers, call me or Dante at x.646 and we'll get you straightened out.

See you all at The Hop!


88359: Misquoting the Bible

52205: Looking for that goddamned bread twist-tie

17289: Resting your balls on the boss's stapler

81109: Not touching your Edible Arrangement yet for fear of looking like a pig

92044: Making a K-turn with the mail cart

61460: Getting Killswitch Engage confused with Stabbing Westward

91002: Cutting your hair and dyeing it in the bathroom to evade the Feds

20464: Giving/receiving a Purell enema

44339: Checking out your pussy in the elevator door reflection

72218: Finding someone who gets your "Where's the beef?" joke

83525: Explaining the "Grey's Anatomy" finale

An Open Letter To Pierce The Veil

Dear Pierce The Veil,

Wassup guys. How's it going. Oh, I'm good- thanks for asking. Hey, listen. I got the Rockabilia.com catalog in the mail the other day, with youse guys on the cover. Vic, Mike, Jaime and Tony, you guys all look great. Glad to see that everyone is doing well.

So I looked on the other side of the cover, and I was honestly astounded at how many different logos and type treatments for your band there are out there. I couldn't even spot two of the same design anywhere on the page! 

Look, guys. Wikipedia says you formed back in 2006. Eight years is long enough time to settle on a logo. ONE LOGO. The Beatles, AC/DC, Zeppelin, Nirvana. All of them had the occasional offshoot, but they stuck with a "flagship" logo that worked and built serious equity. You guys need to stop fucking around and land on something here. Seriously. I am not tattooing all 13 of these brainstormed ideas on my back. Get back to me ASAP.

Not really a fan and just doing this for this bit,

David

Hey Vevo

That window in the bottom left? I'm pretty sure that isn't live.

"New Jersey, Are You Ready To Make a Down Payment?! I Can't Hear You!"

Earlier, we featured a Run DMC-style real estate ad seen in New Jersey.

In the latest issue of Matters Magazine, a full page ad by the same real estate folks. They apparently altered the color of their logo to blue to avoid a lawsuit with DefJam, but there's more to analyze here:


"From Successful Rocker To Successful Realtor?" I really don't get it. Does that mean Mick Jagger can get me a good price on a 2-bedroom condo? Can Angus Young negotiate $5000 off the mortgage because there's no retaining wall near the driveway?


PJ cleans up nicely, but I don't see a lot of overlap between his fans and house hunters in Rockland County, NJ. I could be wrong.


"Hey, PJ. I really enjoyed how you shredded on that song 'End of The World,' man. Would you know if the 3% earnest money I put down for the 4-bedroom Tudor in South Orange will go towards my initial mortgage payment or directly to my closing costs?"

Introducing: The EADJ Pun Police

The name is Dover. Detective Benjamin Dover. I'm a beat cop for the EADJ Pun Police with my partner, Sgt. McCracken. We walk the beat in this sleepy town with a keen eye for terrible puns, and let me tell you brother, there's a lot of that garbage polluting the streets. It's our job to shake down the wrongdoers, the miscreants, the out-and-out punsters who pervert our beautiful language into a toothless, two-bit whore with two meanings.

Tonight's Pun Police Blotter:

Phil and I were driving our squad car along Evergreen when we spotted this bank ad in New York's AM newspaper. Now, normally we look the other way with New York's tabloid rags, seeing how The Post and The Daily News have made a living off of consistently good puns. But this one we couldn't exactly let slide:


"Best interest?" Get it? Now, WaMu denied that the word "interest" had two meanings. So we let it off with a stern verbal warning. But not soon after– and right when Phil and I were about to stop by Casey's for a slice of pie– dispatch sent us to the local movie theatre. It was there that we found this poster:


"Made of Honor?!" The title was not only a pun, but one that didn't even make sense. And right when we were starting to write out a ticket for "nonsensical title," I spotted this beauty at the bottom:


Gotcha. That raised the charges to "nonsensical title" and "groaner tagline with intent to distribute." We hauled Columbia Pictures in to sleep it off in the drunk tank. Let them think about what they've done.

So Phil and I had congratulated each other for another successful night of keeping the streets pun-free, until Phil opened a copy of City Tails, a free magazine devoted to "celebrating the relationship between pets and their people."


Everyone knows pet owners are a sketchy lot to begin with. They dote over their animals with a passion that's proportional to their frequency of dog or cat puns. But what we found in that magazine would make you question Man's use of language and even the use of the printed page. WARNING: This is not for the weak of heart:



I couldn't tell you who that ad was for. I couldn't even tell you what cop show that Richard Belzer character used to be on. All I know is that Phil and I called for backup, stormed the offices of Pet Tails, and tasered the hell out of everyone there. Sure, four of their staffers died in the scuffle, but I like to think that I saved far more lives preventing the publication from continuing to spread that read menace. Oh, that was a pun. Dang!