Pathmark: Ultra-Rare 'Nothing Out Of Place' Edition

UAG

The Answers To Last Week's MUST SEE TV Edition of Which Can, Erickson?

Click to enlarge your prostate:

How did you do?

Scored 1 out of 8: You don't know your bathrooms.
Scored 2 out of 8: You're lucky, but you still don't know your bathrooms.
Scored 3 out of 8: Nicely done. This is all we expected of you.
Scored 4 out of 8: Your deductive skills are sharper than most. High five!
Scored 5 out of 8: See page 48 of the manual
Scored 6 out of 8: Your part-time job as an intuitive for public toilets has paid off.
Scored 7 out of 8: Your Asian parents are disappointed that you didn't score 100%.
Scored 8 out of 8: CHEATER

Introducing A New EADJ Segment: Health Food Snackness

There's a health food store a few blocks from my office, and during lunch I eat at delis and gyro stands around it. But it was only recently that I discovered that the health food store had its own sandwich counter in the back, offering such delicacies as the tofu, lettuce and tomato sandwich or the gluten-free vegetarian falafel wrap. Mmmmm.

But on the way to the sandwich counter, I noticed that the shelves were stocked with unique snacks. 

And among these snacks were the health food "equivalents" of popular mainstream sweets.

Raweo. Okay. I'm not sure what "Live Cookies" means, unless I open the package and those things are going to start scurring to the corners of the room. Although the package promises flavors of vanilla, almond, coconut, honey and cinnamon, I'm very doubtful that this can successfully approximate the tasty extruded chemical white "Stuf" inside an Oreo.

Long story short: I bit into one of those cookies and had to immediately spit it out. I mean, I had to hock out every last morsel of said cookie into the trash because the taste and texture was instantly disgusting. But could I taste honey or a soupcon of almond in the creme? WHO GIVES A SHIT GET THIS OUT OF MY FUCKING MOUTH. I will say I stopped short of gagging, so there's that.

Verdict: Raweos should not only hang its head in shame for even attempting to compare itself to Oreos, all proceeds of its sale should be redirected to wrecking ball-ing of the factory and horse farm/teepee commune that produces this abomination. On a scale from 1 to 100 (with 100 being the most delicious) Raweos scores a solid 3. No, 2.

This new EADJ segment will document my exploration of the various healthy snacks to prove once and for all that health food nuts really don't enjoy living all that much.

Will someone generate a logo for this segment, please?

A Brief Commentary By Cement Bird On The News Of Republican Nominee Newt Gingrich Dropping Out Of The Presidential Race

Cement Bird, as some of you might remember, can only communicate through shitty FWD emails.

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WHY WOMEN SHOULDN'T TAKE MEN SHOPPING
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to
Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and
preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like
most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the
following letter from the local Target.

Dear Mrs. Samuel,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in
our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban
both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr.
Samuel, are listed below and are
documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1.June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other
people's carts when they weren't looking.

2.July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute
intervals.

3.July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.

4.July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,
'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee
to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her
Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing
management to lose time and costing the company money.

5.August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on
layaway.

6.August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7.August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged...

8.August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying
and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were
called.

9.September 4: Looked right into the security camera and u sed it as a
mirror while he picked his
nose.

10.September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked
the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11.October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming
the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12.October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by
using different sizes of funnels.

13.October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through,
yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14.October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'


And last, but not least:

15.October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile,
then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of
the clerks passed out.

 

FWD: DOGS ARE WONDERFUL BECAUSE...

 

 

THIS IS WONDERFUL.   GREAT PICTURES AND GREAT ADVICE.

Give me a sense of

humour;

Lord, give me the grace to see a joke,

to get some humour out of life,

and to the person receiving thisthe grace to pass it on to others.

=

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Hotmail: Free, trusted and rich email service. Get it now. =

TV's Cancer

Newton Minow once referred to a day of watching television as "a vast wasteland" to the National Association of Broadcasters in 1961. Even then, he had no idea how far TV had to fall.


Here's a tiny sampling of how bad TV has curdled:

The Discovery Channel
Then: Documentaries on science, technology, and history
Today: Reality shows (Dirty Jobs, Mythbusters, American Chopper)

MTV
Then: Tons of music videos, Mark Goodman rambling, Martha Quinn looking adorable
Today: Reality shows (The Hills, My Super Sweet 16, Paris Hilton's My New BFF)

The Learning Channel
Then: The Learning Channel: "A Place for Learning Minds" Documentaries on nature, cooking, and home improvement
Today: Now TLC:"Life Unscripted" Reality shows (Junkyard Wars, What Not To Wear, Jon & Kate Plus Shoot Me in the Fucking Face With a Shotgun)

I'm anxiously waiting for reality shows to die forever. Because I can't justify buying a widescreen TV just to watch banal repetitive shit like this (feel free not to watch the whole thing):



Purgatory is full of reality stars, all milling about and not making friends. And definitely not reading.

*EDITOR'S NOTE: I realize "National Lampoon's European Vacation" is not a reality show. It just fits in with the theme of TV going to hell.