Stubs Membership Updates

AMC Stubs program is adding some serious upgrades for both existing and new members. Here are the latest new perks of the program:

• Premier access to first run movies (only the ones starring actor Bradley Whitford) 

• Free tub of Vaseline to apply to your annoyingly squeaky seat

• Enjoy movies under the stars while we wait for a roof replacement

• One of our employees Casey is a very good Dune popcorn bucket, if you catch our meaning.

• Free AMC Stubs promotional emails to you every day for the rest of your life

• Bottomless bucket of expired Jujubes

• You can put your feet up on the seat in front of you. Hell, put them on the shoulders of the person sitting there. We don't care.

• Free high speed wifi so you can text and scroll Facebook instead of watching the movie like the infuriating inconsiderate shit that you are

Surplus Slogans For A Shitty Shark Movie

Six Lies Told By The Falun Gong Brochure

Let me start by saying we are calling this brochure a liar, not the members of the Falun Gong movement. We at EADJ understand the political struggle that its practitioners experience in China, and this entry in no way condones their horrific treatment by the Chinese or Falun Gong's founder Li Hongzhi's controversial views on homosexuality. This is simply a stupid entry by a blog mainly devoted to the consuming of penis by my friend Joel. So, hold your outrage, both of you readers.

1) Forbearance wasn't originally one of Falun Gong's precepts; the original third one was "hoes."

2) Although heavily promoted as such, not every Falun Gong member will receive a Land's End crew neck sweater.

3) "No membership or initiation, no rituals or obligations." Other than BE YOURSELF and HAVE FUN!!!!!!

4) Falun Gong is a nonviolent, peaceful practice, although some members occasionally start fights at the beach with a "You want some a' this?" pose.

5) If you Google Image search "Asian woman" and "Penetrating the Two Extremes," you're not likely to see this photo.

6) This QR Code actually takes you to the Flash game QWOP. Which is awesome.

The Six Lies Told Type Foundry is proud to announce the "Six Lies Told" font, an illegible, shitty throwback to 90's grunge fonts. Use it on your NO FEAR bumper stickers, your Godsmack web ring logo on Geocities, or Rolling Stone print ads for Motorola pagers.