Hello, network TV watcher. We understand your time is valuable, so while the 5+ minutes of pharmaceutical commercials are playing during the station break, we'd like to help you distinguish between the identical-seeming FBI programs on CBS, aka the "Tiffany network".
Here are some handy rules of thumb to tell them apart:
• If Dermot Mulroney is on it, it's FBI: Most Wanted. (No, wait. Or is it Dylan McDermott?)
• If the two lead actors are a woman and a dude with a beard, chances are it's either FBI or FBI: International
• If you see the Eiffel Tower, that means you're watching either FBI: International or FBI and the show is taking place at Kings Dominion in Virginia.
• If they're suddenly speaking Spanish and there are NOT subtitles, that just means you sat on the remote, grandma.
• If the storyline is engaging, intelligently written and impeccably acted, that means it's none of those FBI shows and you're illegally watching a pirated copy of HBO's hit series "Severance." We have called the real FBI and they are on their way.
