How To Tell The Difference Between CBS's FBI, FBI: International, and FBI: Most Wanted

Hello, network TV watcher. We understand your time is valuable, so while the 5+ minutes of pharmaceutical commercials are playing during the station break, we'd like to help you distinguish between the identical-seeming FBI programs on CBS, aka the "Tiffany network".

Here are some handy rules of thumb to tell them apart:

• If Dermot Mulroney is on it, it's FBI: Most Wanted. (No, wait. Or is it Dylan McDermott?)

• If the two lead actors are a woman and a dude with a beard, chances are it's either FBI or FBI: International

• If you see the Eiffel Tower, that means you're watching either FBI: International or FBI and the show is taking place at Kings Dominion in Virginia.

• If they're suddenly speaking Spanish and there are NOT subtitles, that just means you sat on the remote, grandma.

• If the storyline is engaging, intelligently written and impeccably acted, that means it's none of those FBI shows and you're illegally watching a pirated copy of HBO's hit series "Severance." We have called the real FBI and they are on their way.

Alternate Opening Lyrics to Lisa Loeb's 1994 Song "Stay (I Missed You)"

EADJ recently gained access to Lisa Loeb's old notebooks and discovered that her 1994 runaway hit "Stay (I Missed You)" had quite a few alternate opening lines instead of

♪ You say / I only hear what I want to ♪

The song itself is an emotional post-mortem to a break-up and hints at the main character admitting she wasn't a great partner/roommate and perhaps wanting to move back in with them.

Here now are some of those alternates:

♪ You say / I ate all of your Cheetos ♪

♪ You say / I leave pubes in the shower ♪

♪ You say / I pay rent with Chuck E Cheese tokens ♪

♪ You say / I blocked your car in on purpose ♪

♪ You say / I gave you chlamydia ♪

♪ You say / I sold your VCR for some uppers ♪

♪ You say / I fart in your gym bag on purpose ♪

♪ You say / I never flush when we have guests ♪

♪ You say / I erase your answering machine messages on purpose ♪

♪ You say / I stole the batteries from the remote for my shaver ♪

Twitter's Least Used Hashtags, Week of Feb. 15

The following hashtags have not been used on Twitter much this week. Or ever.  Knock yourself out:

#CapriSunimplants

#underusedmemes

#Obamaspazzingout

#kidneystonebling

#kanyewestwisdom

#sarahmichellegellar

#GoldenCorralbreakups

#giantwaxfigureofCaillout

#kiasorrentopussymagnet

#ilovemyupstairsneighbors

#sufferingfromfeeling3rddegreeBerns

#cleaningmyearwithanicepickonthetrain