How To Get Away With Pathmark

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

Sammy Hagar has fallen so far since leaving Van Halen.

See, this is what you get for making him wait too long for a table at Olive Garden.

Kwabs didn't let a little power outage stop him from giving blood.

Maitre Gims forgot to take his biker jacket off before getting into his waterbed.

Don't worry about that mosquito. Meek Mill got it.

Nickelus F kept track of what all the former "Real World" cast members were up to, and he took it seriously.

Jesus is not impressed with Perry Boi's Photoshop skillz.

"Why yes, I do have my own microbrew. How'd you know?"

I hate to be so generalist about this, but you just know this album fucking sucks just by the cover.

Finally, a pimp for all those Bratz Dolls.

Burning Questions

1) Who is Big "D?"

2) Is Big "D" a company or a man?

3) If it is a man, why does he go by "Big D," rather than the nice name like Douglas or Donovan that his mother gave him?

4) Is he big like muscular, or fat?

5) Is Big D not a U.S. citizen, or was that part of the sign redundant?

6) If he is not a U.S. citizen, is Big D's healthcare paid for fully, in case he gets sick or in an accident?

7) Does Big D look down on the USA for not adopting truly universal healthcare, like other First World countries?

8) What time is his break?

9) Is there a "Missus D?" If not, why hasn't Big D found the right woman yet? Or is he gay?

10) If he is gay, does Big D resent or appreciate all the big dick jokes he gets all the time at bars?

11) Why doesn't Donovan call his mother once in a while instead of frequenting gay bars every night?

Hey Vevo

That window in the bottom left? I'm pretty sure that isn't live.

The Lonnie Quinn Shirt Sleeve Index: ATTENTION: EVERYTHING IS OKAY

Severe thunderstorms and even a hurricane warning graced the tristate area on Monday, and CBS 2 News had it covered like always. We kept close tabs on the Lonnie Quinn Sleeve Index, as has been well documented on this blog.

And just for the hell of it, here is some caption fun with Maurice DuBois (it means "of wood:")

Stay tight!

Friggin' Priorities.

Spotted in a Sesame Street fire safety coloring book:

Despite burning clothes, fur and the possibility of third degree burns all over his flesh, Cookie Monster makes sure he does NOT drop his cookie.

Wait a minute. He didn't have cookies during "stop" and "drop," so where did that cookie come from?

UNSOLVED MYSTERIES

EADJ Pun Police: French Foreign Legion Edition

Faites attention! We are ze French Foreign Legion, and we are heeer to weeed out ze puns and punish zem for zheir crahmes! Heeeer we go!

"A Real Crowd Cheeser?" Horrifique! Zis offends me as a lover of words and as a Frenchman who love a good fromage! Quelle dommage!

(Stomps the label under his jackboot)

"Put Your Hams Together." Oh, Whole Foods, zis will not do! Your replacing a jambon to replace the word "hands" iz not clever du tout! I put you on notice!

(Rips poster down, buries it in the sand)

"And to all a good bite?" A second offense already? Non, non, non, non, non. Au revoir, Whole Foods!

(Turns entire wall of cannons towards Whole Foods, blows it to smithereens)

"Shops ahoy." Not a tres intelligent pun, non, Mademoiselle? That pun is very- how do you say- pedestrian! I made a joke! Ha ha ha! A better pun than what iz on her sac!

(Mounts his horse and drives the woman into the nearest Sephora store to take cover)

"Raise your Timperature." Non. English is not my language premiere, but inventing new words is not acceptable, even pour un foreigner comme mois. Dégoûtant!

(Stabs the poster with his bayonet, kicks entire display down)

"Februany?" I don't get it, Zubway.

(Ignores)

Observe closely at zis display, mes amis. Clique to enlarge. You will see zat every flavour of zese drinks are terrible puns: Mar-GO-rita, Daiq-GO-ri, and Piña-GO-lada. I have even zampled zese boissons and have found them worthy of ze puns terribles zat zey wear on zeir labels!

(Loads explosives onto drink display. Enjoys a fine red wine from a distant dune as the entire thing explodes.)

(Too many puns to name at one time)

Zis is from a Man de Bat livre comique. I have no idea who zis eyepatched woman is, either, but maybe zince zere is a Joker and a Riddler, maybe she is ze Punster?

Eizer way, she talks too much and I zink she should pay dearly for her crahmes.

(Sits her down and makes her watch 12 hours of French original programming on TV)