Merry Christmas 2020 From EADJ

From all of us at Eat A Dick Joel- from the editorial staff, the fact checkers, the proofrEADJers, the photographers, the science desk, the illustrators and cartoonists, the local correspondents, the city hall desk, the publishers, printers, paper suppliers, distributors, paper boys and classified desk- Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. We appreciate you for somehow continuing to read this publication.

An Imagined Conversation

"Hey, are you ready to grill some delicious top sirloins, Buck?"

"Hell, yeah I am. It took me a while, but I finally got the charcoal burning steady at the perfect temperature, and without the help of any lighting fluid, so these cuts of meat are going to be done just right."

"Okay, so we got the meat in the package, some spice rubs (which I don't think we need), some steak sauce (which I also think we can skip, knowing my grilling skills!) and uh... this here pack of Omaha Steaks Conversation Cards?"

"What the..."

"Not sure what to do with these. Think I'll chuck 'em."

"No! Since we're gonna be standing here for a while, we might as well try a few questions."

"Hm. Not really my thing, but okay."

(reads the first card)

"'Assuming every man or woman has their price, what is yours?'"

"Uh, pass on that one."

"'Does the success of your friends motivate or frustrate your own progress in life?'"

"Not sure what that means."

"'In moments of intimacy, are you more of a "giver" or a "taker?"'"

"Jesus."

"'When have you loved someone who has not loved you back?'"

"Can we just cook these steaks without talking?"

A severe reprimand.

The residents of the Park LaBrea gated community are not happy.

Over the past six months, there have been over 30 complaints about Joel to the board of directors and security office:

•12 noise complaints (almost all involve Joel rollerskating with a boom box and cranking "When I Get You Alone" by Thicke)

•8 lewd behavior reports of Joel eating dick in the gatehouse

•4 complaints of Joel misspelling the word "segue"

•83 reports of Joel's chimp servant disrupting senior activities in the Mood Lounge

•10 reports of Joel stretching in the Recreation Center wearing nothing but a mesh tank top, Birkenstocks and a thong.

•3 misinformed reports that Joel is actually black.

A "letter of concern" was sent to Joel's bungalow this morning, and the board of directors hope that this will resolve the many issues that surround Park LaBrea's least favorite resident.

(pictured above, a screenshot of the most underappreciated video game ever)