It's Time For Another Installment of The EADJ Facebook De-Friender

You can enjoy the previous other episode of the Facebook De-Friender here.

In a world where it's a rare and beautiful gift to have a real friend, a Facebook friend, however, is an easily disposable thing you can chuck at a whim. Because let's be honest– Facebook friends only wish you a Happy Birthday because Facebook told them it was, and they would never have otherwise. Still, we at EADJ still believe in the "3 strikes" rule, and a certain Facebook friend whose initial is "P"  failed that test yesterday.

"P" is from the small town in North Carolina that I grew up in, and we were never friends when we attended junior high and high school together. I believe it was the class reunion and/or the realization of our mortality that prompted us to connect on Facebook.

And what has friending her done for me or her? Well, I've never written any notes to her (I acknowledge my negligence in this friendship), and she hasn't ever written to me. We'd been Facebook friends for over a year with no communication, until recently I started getting some shitty requests from her to play "Free Slot Machines." To protect "P's" identity, I have replaced her profile photo with a shot of goat turds:

And I got this third Free Slot Machines request last night:

And with the 3 strike rule in effect, it's time to play LOSE THAT FB FRIEND!

*** INSERT COIN ***

CREDIT :1

PLAY MAXIMUM BET

Three in a row! Jackpot! We have a loser!

The Pathmark To Hell is Paved With Target Intentions

 

*Whew* You discarded it just in time. That thang fugly.

 

Nothing pays tribute to Whitney Houston quite like a discarded lollipop.

 

 Lock jaw?

 

Personally, I don't see what the buzz is about Nicki Minaj, paper towels or toy garbage trucks.

 

Nothing says "WELCOME" like a terrifying sculpture of a frog wielding an axe.

 

Neither Trayvon Martin nor parmesan cheese belong here.

 

I don't know what an "Ask The Unicorn" button is, but I don't think it belongs near pet food.

 

"I am Five Iron Man!"

Lazy, sad, and imitation.

An Imagined Conversation

"Hey, you in the bright green spandex and the fanny pack– you can't roller skate in the post office. Can't you read the sign?"

"These aren't roller skates, man. They're way better; they're the coolest new invention."

"But you're skating around the floor of this post office like an asshole and scuffing up my floors. If that ain't roller skating, I don't know what is."

"Listen, man. These things are in-line skates, or 'roller blades.' See how all four wheels are in a row under my foot rather than like a skate? This allows me to travel a lot faster, plus they look cooool!"

"You look like a bobsled with legs. You look like a right asshole. And you're ruining my tile floor."

"Hey, it doesn't say on your front door 'NO ROLLER BLADES,' man, so I can do what I want!"

Today's Daily Sponsor Of The Day

Today's Daily Sponsor Of The Day is Turkey Perky Jerky.

Are you sick of regular jerky that leaves you blah, without any pick-me-ups or power-ups? Does you jerky just sit there and not give you a kick in the pants, like you deserve, you lazy dog? Well, stop looking, because now there's Perky Jerky! It'll perk you right the fuck up!™

Now, what makes Perky Jerky so perky? Does it contain caffeine, giving you that extra edge you need during your day? No. Then why did you call it Perky Jerky, then, asshole? Because it's a snappy name, cocksucker. But why didn't you leave that name for a jerky with caffeine to use, dipshit? Well, you shitbird, we as a company have a right to use that name, because we thought of it first.

Does Perky Jerky come in any other flavors besides turkey? Yes, but what fun would that be? We do happen to offer Beef Perky Jerky, but that is not fun to say at all.

Turkey Perky Jerky. A family company.™

DISASTER HAS STRUCK

You  know how we always brag about never missing a single weekday entry in EADJ's six year history, including holidays?

Well, we finally missed one: Memorial Day. Monday, May 28, 2012. Shit.

Not to make excuses, but this reporter had to go into work that day because some shithead scheduled a new business pitch on that Tuesday. So instead of relaxing and throwing in a lazy blog entry (most likely an Ugly Andrew Gall), I was working from 10am-11pm on some shitty presentation, and it never crossed my mind to post something. Anything.

THANKS, WORK, FOR FUCKING UP OUR PERFECT RECORD.

An IM Convo

See the link for "Tom Selleck Hasn't Smiled Since "Mr. Baseball" in the Link-O-Rama to the right for context. →

And as promised, if you scroll below, you will see that we have bestowed the Dark Chocolate Mollusk Award to Tom at the bottom of the webpage for being the first EADJ acquaintance to randomly make it into the Link-O-Rama. Tom will be celebrating this victory with friends and family at the Long Island City Sizzler, located on Vernon Boulevard in Hunters Point.

Excerpts From "Because I Love You" by Julia Hubery & Cee Biscoe

"I debase myself every day at Jamba Juice, working for that colossal prick Ray, just to take home half a decent paycheck... because I love you."

"I pawned Grandma's scooter and threw her walker on the roof... because I love you."

"I went to the DMV and legally changed my name to 'You'... because I love you."

"I held my tongue when you told me that fried dough and funnel cakes were the same thing when it is pretty goddamned obvious that they are NOT the same thing... because I love you."

"I returned the One Ring to Sauron, thus dooming all of Middle Earth to an eternity of slavery and despair... because I love you."

"I blew a trainyard full of syphilitic hobos... because I love you."

"I hated the player and the game... because I love you."

"I went on that useless, time-wasting, money suck of a shitty weekend horseback riding– against my better judgement and I hate to say I told you so... because I love you."

"I piss less on the seat nowadays... because I love you."

"I could make myself believe it's not butter... because I love you."

"I fucking hate you... because I love you."