A Disturbed Holiday Offer

Spotted on Facebook: It's hard to look badass when you've got animated clipart snowflakes falling all over your band. SNOW-AH-AH-AH-AH!!!

Also, since when did the lead singer start looking like Phil Collins?

Well, Which Is It, Kid?

Friggin future politician over here.

The ProofrEADJer: Here Comes December Edition

"The Back Widow?"

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto On How To Fold A Throw Blanket

Fold the throw in half vertically for the flip and flop method. Then flip in half over your forearm and flop it over the back of a sofa or chair. For the flip and toss method, fold the blanket in half vertically. Take hold of the middle and toss in place.

And speaking of holding the middle, if you're ever feeling nauseous while riding in the back of my limousine, asking me to pull over so you can puke will automatically get you 20% off your total bill. I don't have that in writing, but that's a promise. Stay safe, kids.

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto On How To Forward A Personal Check

You may be wondering why anyone would ever have the need to sign over a check to another person in this day and age, but there are several circumstances where you might find the need to endorse a check over to someone else.

[EDITED: GOOGLE IT]

And speaking of access to money, if you want to tip me two dollars for a $40 fare, don't ask me to break a fiver and tell me you'll "just get three dollars back." You don't look like a high roller, son. You look cheap as refurbished sandals. Stay classy, kids.

EADJ Pun Police: Sentinel Edition

The Sentinels are mutant-hunting robots programmed to locate mutant puns and capture or kill them. 

ALERT: MUTANT WORDPLAY DETECTED

ENGAGING SHOULDER-MOUNTED PUN RANGEFINDER, FREQUENCY-ALPHA

•••••••••••••••••

LOCATION: VANCOUVER, CANADA, NORTH AMERICA

EVERYTHING FOR DOGS & CATS UNDER ONE WOOF. PROPRIETORS OF ESTABLISHMENT HAVE SUBSTITUTED THE WORD 'WOOF' FOR THE WORD 'ROOF.' AWFUL WORDPLAY CONFIRMED. EXECUTING MAGNA-MOVE.

(DEPLOYS DETACHABLE FEET THAT STOMP STORE INTO DUST)

MUTANT PUN ELIMINATED.

•••••••••••••••••

LOCATION: SEATTLE, WASHINGTON, NORTH AMERICA VIA ALERT MESSAGE FROM HUMAN ANDREW GALL

POSSIBLE WORDPLAY SCANNED VIA BETA-CHANNEL FREQUENCY:

CALCULATING........

CALCULATING........

RESULT: NOT A PUN. BUT OVERLAPPING WORDS ARE CONFIRMED TO BE ANNOYING. 

(ANTI-WORDPLAY BOLTS SHOOT FROM EYES, DESTROYS SIGN BUT KEEPS STORE INTACT FOR SOME REASON)

MUTANT PUN WORDPLAY DEALT WITH. (HIGH FIVES SELF)

•••••••••••••••••

POTENTIAL PUN SCANNED VIA BETA-CHANNEL FREQUENCY.

LOCATION: SOME DUANE READE SOMEWHERE

"SALADBRATION."  NO DEFINITION FOUND. WORD DOES NOT EXIST.

ANNOYING OVERLAP, SINCE THERE IS NO WORD "ADBRATION" OR "LADBRATION."

CALCULATING........

CALCULATING........

"SALAD" WAS SWAPPED OUT FOR THE WORD "CELE" IN "CELEBRATION." NOT EVEN CLOSE TO A PUN. CONFUSING AND BEWILDERING - POSSIBLY VERY LAZY- WORDPLAY INVOLVED.

(SHOOTS TEARGAS CANISTERS FROM KNUCKLES, RENDERING ALL EMPLOYEES IMMOBILE AND LATER, NAUSEOUS)

•••••••••••••••••

LOCATION: NEW JERSEY PANCAKE HOUSE (INTERNATIONAL)

SCANNING VIA DELTA CHANNEL:

"SIP SOP HOORAY" DUPLICATE AWFUL PUN FOUND. SEARCHING FOR PREVIOUS EXAMPLE IN ARCHIVES.... LOCATED IN 16 JULY 2013 ENTRY

DANGEROUS LEVELS OF SHEER AWFULNESS DETECTED

(DEPLOYS PLASMA-MAGNETIC CANNON TO DESTROY IHOP AND ENTIRE AREA AROUND IT FOR A 6 CITY BLOCK RADIUS.)

•••••••••••••••••

LOCATION: NEW YORK TRANSIT SYSTEM, UNDERGROUND

POTENTIAL PUN SCANNED VIA GAMMA-CHANNEL MODULATOR.

CALCULATING........

PHRASE DETECTED: "READY SET GUMBO"

"READY SET GO" IS COMMON HUMAN PHRASE

"GO" WAS REPLACED WITH "GUMBO," WHICH RHYMES BUT IS CLUMSY

CLUMSY = AWFUL PUN

"READY SET GUMBO" = AWFUL PUN

(ACTIVATING PALM BEAM TO VAPORIZE ENTIRE SUBWAY STATION BUT IS INTERRUPTED BY A KID WITH A STICKER)

"SEXGOAT" USED TO REPLACE "GUMBO"

"READY SET SEXGOAT" ≠ AWFUL PUN

SENTINEL POWERS DOWN PALM BEAM, STANDS DOWN.

•••••••••••••••••

(CHEST PLATE OPENS TO REVEAL THETA-FREQUENCY PUN SCANNER)

LOCATION: NEW AMSTERDAM, NORTH AMERICA, EARTH

SCANNING....

"CAREFUL WHAT YOU WITCH FOR."

DEPLOYS FACEPALM

•••••••••••••••••

(FOREARM-MOUNTED PUN SCANNER SWITCHES TO UPSILON FREQUENCY)

SCANNING NEARBY CEREAL BOX:

"A TASTE YOU WON'T BEE-LIEVE!"

NO SCANNER OR COMPUTATION NEEDED. THIS IS JUST AWFUL.

(SETS OFF MEDIUM-SIZED CHERRY BOMB INTO CEREAL BOX, RUNS AWAY)

•••••••••••••••••

(KNEECAP-MOUNTED PUN SCANNER SWITCHES TO ZETA-FREQUENCY)

SCANNING........

VERA BRADLEY CATALOG

"A VERA VERA SPECIAL OFFER"

CANNOT COMPUTE....CIRCUITS OVERLOADED

                                   )\   /|                             
                                .-/'-|_/ |                             
             __            __,-' (   / \/                              
         .-'"  "'-..__,-'""          -o.`-._                           
        /                                   '/                         
*--._ ./                                 _.--                          
      |                              _.-'                              
      :                           .-/                                  
       \                       )_ /                                    
        \                _)   / \(        THE PIG GOES WEE NOT WHEE    
          `.   /-.___.---'(  /   \\                                    
           (  /   \\       \(     L\           THIS IS A SHAM MARRIAGE
            \(     L\       \\                                         
             \\              \\                                        
              L\              L\                                       
[nabis]                                                                

(IN DEFENSIVE MODE, LEAVES ACTIVE NUCLEAR WARHEAD ON PLANET AND LAUNCHES OUT OF RANGE)

Coming Soon To The EADJ Crappinema: Vipers, Starring Tara Reid

Tara Reid and Vipers. Taglines like "After the SLITHER comes the SLAUGHTER." What is not to love, my friends. What is not to love.

Backhand

Pictured below, it's good to see that Lucky, through all the years, has kept his pimp hand strong.

Meet Lucy, the World's Largest Elephant Who Hates You

Behold Lucy. Lucy is the World's Largest Concrete Elephant-Shaped Tourist Trap located in beautiful Margate, New Jersey. And Lucy hates you all.


Built in a shitty, unstable location? Check. Used as a hotel for drunk guido assholes? Check. Inexplicable historical status to turn it into a begrudging eyesore landmark? Check. Lucy hates you all.


*1 Who hates you

*2 A smaller town of assholes that's at least removed from a town full of way bigger assholes

*3 The U.S. Department of the Interior approved my landmark status as a joke. But who's laughing now, G-men? Fuckers.

*4 Sure, bring the little licebags and tell them it's Disneyland. I actually revel in their disappointment.


*5 But Lucy wishes a painful death upon you and all your family.

*6 From up here, you can see the roads that lead you out of this godforsaken shithole.

*7 We fenced it up because we figured parents who consider me actual entertainment aren't really good at parenting to begin with.

*8 A lot of older people have turned their ankles on my spiral staircase. One guy had a stroke. That made my day.

*9 Note number 8. That guy did die after two months.

*10 WTF. Friggin' teachers bring their students to me as if I'm some kind of anatomically correct model. Pretty useless schools in Margate, NJ anyway. They're all going to end up working at the casino in Atlantic City. Truth hurts.


*11 Believe it or not, several guys have proposed in my "howdah." The women all said "no," as they should. Good for you, gals for having taste.

*12 They sealed up the eyes in 1987 when people kept pissing out onto my trunk.

*13 I hear that pun from Jimmy, the tour guide about 400 times a day. I despise him, too.

*14 The "museum" is actually four framed photos of me in better days, plus a postcard rack. Hannah behind the counter is getting a divorce.


*15 The change in schedule depends on if it rained the night before. I leak and flood like a motherfucker, but at least it rinses out the vomit stains.


*16 Coupon not good at this location. Fuck you!

Some Anti-Graffiti Graffiti

(pictured above– you tell me– a guy with no sense of irony, or a guy with an incredible sense of irony?)