My Bad.

As a kid, I had always assumed the traffic light in Mr. Rogers's house was stolen.

Shake What The Lord Gave Ya

Yesterday in the ProofrEADJer we had an entry advertising a "Christian tambourine." Let's look more into this, shall we?

TWO WAYS OF PLAYING! This ad helpfully demonstrates how you can both SHAKE the damn thing or HIT the damn thing with your other hand. TWO WAYS, PEOPLE! PRAISE JESUS! Unmute that shit to hear the glory and the power!

But with this exuberance comes caution. Churchgoers are encouraged to play the tambourine BUT they must take care NOT TO DROP it on the ground, as that would break a bell piece off the damn thing.

This was, of course, a warning that the Christian tambourine company's attorneys insisted they include in the ad. Angry customers cannot claim that the tambourine is shoddy if they have been forewarned not to drop it during their Hallelujahs.

Burning Questions About Bootaa's 29" Velcro Dartboard Packaging

I was looking at the packaging for this velcro dartboard when I noticed this inset:

BAHAHAHAHAH What the shit is going on here?

• Why is it hanging outside on a tree?

• Why put it outside if the darts are safe velcro balls?

• Why is a 4 year old girl alone outside?

• Is the 4 year old being punished?

• Or does mommy and daddy just need some alone time upstairs?

• Why put so much effort into styling and curling her hair if you're just going to slap a hoodie on her?

• What kind of crap shot is that girl if she almost misses the target from 2 feet away?

• Is this Katniss Everdeen's origin story? (Okay, old reference. Sorry) 

UAG

Some Air Travel Pillows Ranked In Ascending Order Of How Much They Make You Look Like An Asshole

The "Stack of Books"

How Much It Makes You Look Like An Asshole: A low grade of 3. Looks comfy and natural, I guess.

Star Trek Alien Race It Resembles: None

The "Sideways Headrest"

How Much It Makes You Look Like An Asshole: A low 4. Seems to work, but kind of looks like you're listening to a car's rearview mirror.

Star Trek Alien Race It Resembles: None, but sort of looks like a communicator.

The "Blue Strangler"

How Much It Makes You Look Like An Asshole: 5. Doesn't help if you look like Casey Anthony.

Star Trek Alien Race It Resembles: Whatever this is.

The "Gray Strangler"

How Much It Makes You Look Like An Asshole: 5. Doesn't look stupid, but it doesn't look stylish either. Flight attendants would be ambivalent.

Star Trek Alien Race It Resembles: The Phlox.

The "Blind Unibomber"

How Much It Makes You Look Like An Asshole: 6. You look like a sucker who just paid $50 for a basic headrest with a hood.

Star Trek Alien Race It Resembles: The black metal Klingons from TNG

The "Collision Crash"

How Much It Makes You Look Like An Asshole: 6. It might work okay, but it looks like someone needs to call a paramedic.

Star Trek Alien Race It Resembles: Dead Spock

The "Screaming Into An Elf's Tree"

How Much It Makes You Look Like An Asshole: 7. Those poor elves aren't going to make cookies any faster with you shouting at them like that.

Star Trek Alien Race It Resembles: The Glove Plant from TOS

The "Teddy Bear Playing Guess Who"

How Much It Makes You Look Like An Asshole: 7.5. Looks complicated and torturous.

Star Trek Alien Race It Resembles: None, but looks kinda like Geordi La Forge.

The "Elephant's Dong"

How Much It Makes You Look Like An Asshole: 8. Looks sort of comfy but at the price of looking stupid.

Star Trek Alien Race It Resembles: None, but they look like those stupid seatbelts from the recent movies.

The "Shame Lap"

How Much It Makes You Look Like An Asshole: 8.1. Look at you, burying your face in that dumb thing. Sleep > shame, I guess.

Star Trek Alien Race It Resembles: The flying pancakes from "Operation Annihilate!"

The "Suicide Sling"

How Much It Makes You Look Like An Asshole: 8.5. Those bratty kids in 17E are making fun of you as you sleep. And so are rows 16, 15, and 14.

Star Trek Alien Race It Resembles: Mizarians

The "Hostage"

How Much It Makes You Look Like An Asshole: 8.5. You look like you've already let the terrorists win, you instant victim.

Star Trek Alien Race It Resembles: Solanogen-Based Life Forms

The "Wearable Beehive"

How Much It Makes You Look Like An Asshole: 9.5. You do NOT look cool or comfortable. You look like Winnie the Pooh on a bender.

Star Trek Alien Race It Resembles: Ferengi

The "Earthworm Jim"

How Much It Makes You Look Like An Asshole: 10. Those holes at the side are for your arms, I think. What it looks like is an oversized planarian worm is sitting in 13A.

Star Trek Alien Race It Resembles: Tyvanna