Something I Noticed On YouTube

Served up to me on the algorithm after watching a video by Djo:

Geez. Does every cast member of "Stranger Things" have a record deal? What an incredibly talented group of people. Where's Dustin's dance video for "The Neverending Story"?

The Latest New Guests For Next Week's VidCon

This year's VidCon, the world's foremost forum for content creators and influencers, opens next week. Here are the latest scheduled guests: 

• Rob Squad Reactions will react to their own reaction videos, creating a black hole in spacetime

• Couple vloggers Munro and Ciati will cheat on each other in simulcast streams

• OVERALLS STUD will shed his overalls persona to talk about the hardship of creating overalls videos

• A giant LIKE button will be displayed at the center of the convention center, and people can pay $10 to SMASH it

• A.I. girlfriend programmer Rand Strougher reveals what his creations' turn-ons and turn-offs are

Synopses For Upcoming Episodes of Netflix's "Charlie's Colorforms City"

"Questions"

A body found in the Colorforms River Basin turns out to be Mayor Blue's missing wife. Charlie bribes a health inspector so the Rainbow Eats Festival can move forward.

"Destination"

City official Purple is kidnapped in an Uber. Charlie confronts his ex-wife about her not honoring joint custody of the children. A thunderstorm threatens the Tie Dye Workshop.

"Answers"

Inmates escape from Colorforms Penitentiary. Charlie busts an opium den in the Cyan District. The gang war between the Reds and the Yellows ends when they form the Oranges.

The Maddening Complexities of the New Jersey Transit Survey Brochure

Commuting to New York from New Jersey is both a frustrating and harrowing ordeal, twice a day. NJ Transit has attempted to gauge riders' satisfaction levels with an online survey, and here is the flyer that they placed on all the train seats one morning:

So, neat. A survey brochure. I was about to simply throw this thing away until I noticed the odd configuration of the people in the photo. Something about the way they were engaging was unnatural, artistic or subconsciously obscene. Or all three. Here now we dissect this photo, the possible motivations of each person in the photo, and the overall message that it's trying to convey.

In order to explore all the intricacies and subtleties of this photo, however, it is important that we tag the people in the shot. The following is an arbitrary assignment for clarification purposes. These are not the real names of the models. We'll find those out one day.

"Jesse" represents the everyman spectator. He is content observing the action from a distance, allowing himself sufficient time to react before jumping in.

"Jess" is more of an engager. Basking in the glow of the giant orange starburst, her extroverted ways allow her to seize moments and even cause change. Her spirit animal is the gazelle.

"Angie" is the out-of-touch introvert. She longs for social interaction- and perhaps even a moment of intimacy- but her shyness and the fact that she's stuck in another row keep her from achieving her goals. She gets shit for pay.

"Trina" is the jezebel flirt. With her tits out and her head thrown back, she uses her feminine wiles to advance her agenda, whether it be get into the boss' pants or get into the boss' brother's pants. What a hoo-ore.

"Don With The Thumbs" shares the same situation as "Angie" but acts to better himself. He actively throws himself over into the conversation, becoming THE focal point of the entire picture. His shameless two thumbs point everyone's eyeline his way. Some may describe his methods as crude and Macchiavellian.

"Simon Peter" is what's known as a 'passive enforcer.' He tries nobly to redirect the energy of the train car back into the originally intended center of the group. His role here is a foil to "Don With The Thumbs," arguably to little effect.

Some of you might notice that there is both a "Jesse" and a "Jess," which could lead to confusion. Why would we name two people next to each other so similarly when we had tens of thousands of other names to pick instead? Good question.

And for those of you who deal in Tarot cards, here are the character analogs:

Jesse = Judgement

Jess = Strength

Angie = The Hermit

Trina = The High Priestess

Don With The Thumbs = Death

Simon Peter = The Fool

The overall chi of the train car can also be observed and measured, as the following chart indicates, assigning attention points per interaction:

The complexities of this photo can be appreciated even more when placed in context with other seemingly unrelated items. For example, here is a picture hanging in a New York Au Bon Pain (it means "of the bread"):

Now, watch what happens when we take this innocent photo and overlay it on the NJ Transit brochure:

Boom! The composition is virtually identical! Jesse turns into a pretzel loaf, Jess becomes the fluffy pumpernickel, Angie turns into an oversized bagel, Trina melds into a San Francisco sourdough, and Simon Peter's pointing finger becomes a serrated knife with sweetrolls. UNCANNY.

As we haven't even begun to scratch the surface of the meaning, context and cultural repercussions of this amazing photo, we will continue to examine the layers of meaning in this masterwork in installments, i.e. EADJ blog segments.

The Latest Movie Ideas From Hollywood Based On Names Pulled From A Sunglasses Brochure

Columbia Pictures, 20th Century Fox, Paramount, Universal and Disney Studios have gotten more desperate lately, mining the latest Maui Jim sunglasses brochure for movie property ideas. The following films are being developed as we speak:

"Lighthouse" starring Maggie Gyllenhaal, Sanjay Gupta and Kevin Kline

This mature drama is about a frustrated writer (Gyllenhaal) who meets an older, mysterious gentleman who seems to not have any connections to the close-knit Connecticut town. Nothing ever happens in this movie except for long, lingering establishing shots of the goddamned lighthouse.

"Sugar Beach" starring Jay Baruchel, Alice Eve, Martin Short, and Robert Deniro

A confused pool boy (Baruchel) is caught in a bidding war between two rivaling neighbors (Short and Deniro) who happen to also be rival mob bosses. And in case you were wondering, yes, Alice Eve will be in a bikini.

"Backyards" featuring the voices of Janeane Garofalo, Jeremy Irons, Donald Glover and Aubrey Plaza

DreamWorks does it again in this computer-animated feature with a talking sprinkler (Garofalo), a sarcastic tool shed (Irons), an impulsive weed whacker (Glover) and a sullen wooden deck (Plaza). And look for the "Backyards" kids meals at Burger King!

"Banzai" starring Peter Weller

This expensive prequel to "The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across The 8th Dimension" stars Peter Weller in unconvincing makeup to make himself look like the younger physicist/neurosurgeon/test pilot/rock musician. Special FX by ILM, Digital Domain and the JIm Henson Company.

"Breakwall" starring Mark Wahlberg, Benicio Del Toro, and Stacy Dash

Shit blows up real big with cars and guns and boom and tits. Soundtrack by Papa Roach. Directed by "Flight Of The Phoenix" director John Moore.

"Hot Sands" starring Olivia Wilde, Jessica Biel, Megan Fox and... SOLD!

"Sunset" starring Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy.

This making of documentary goes behind the scenes of all 20 "Before Sunrise" films and recaptures every single moment of magic with the cast as it follows Ethan Hawke while he takes a shit and Julie Delpy as she blows her nose into a rag. Narrated by Richard Linklater.

"Kanaha" starring Julia Louis-Dreyfus, The Blue Man Group, and Tupac Shakur. This mystery project by Charlie Kaufman, Spike Jonze and Michel Gondry is weird. Indie weird. So weird that it's blowing up in Williamsburg, Brooklyn right now. So weird that the indie bands Phoenix, The National and Imagine Dragons have already devoted their next albums to it. KANAHA!