EADJ Program Note

 The new masthead above was supplied by the wife of JOEL HIMSELF, Jamie Gu, who is learning calligraphy. Thanks Jamie, and great job!

And Even More Selections From The Sharper Image Catalog

Previous Sharper Image entries here.

Click to enlarge and read:

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

This is exactly what one modicum of artistic talent looks like.

(C-3PO would like his fingers back, please)

Now just slap the CNN logo over the rapper's face and you're good.

"You lost the car? The two of you should be ashamed!"

Interesting. I always thought Edward Scissorhands looked like he was going "Booooooyeeeeee" when he held his hands up.

Black Invader Zim is the new Black Bart.

Either this is a photo of the makeup artist trying to apply anti-sag cream or that dude is strangling a woman to death.

Cash. Origami. Martial Arts.

It's perfect.

This is what the inside of a conspiracy theorist's head looks like. The word "gentrifried" is a bonus.

Jay-Z's name isn't even mentioned! YOU GET TO CLOSE THE LOOP YOURSELF!

WHO CARES

The midnight fashion show at Pottery Barn was a blurry failure.

Nobody has told these two yet that they have a record deal and that they're on the cover of their own album.

If At First You Don't Succeed, Path, Mark, Again

Lil' Wayne Tattoos You May Not Know About

If you're a fan of Lil' Wayne or terrible hip hop, you may know that "Weezy" has over the years covered himself in all matter of tattoos. But probably less famous than his "Fear" and "God" eyelid tats or black teardrops are the following tattoos and their locations:

• The Allied Van Lines logo (inside left elbow)

• Stipple portrait of actor Anthony Edwards crying (thigh)

• Reproduction of Edward Hopper's "Nighthawks" on his nuts

• A Star of David wearing shades and making the "thumbs up" sign (right wrist)

• At least 3 renderings of gyro meat spools (neck, knee, right palm)

• The In-N-Out Burger secret menu (chin)

• An up-to-date tally of all the corny rhymes he's written (inside left eyelid)

• A "Magic Eye" likeness of Gucci Mane regretting his stupid ice cream cone face tattoo (inside right cheek)

• Four extra nipples

• Registration marks (bottom of left foot)

• Aquaman's real name (Arthur Curry) - unknown location

• The Snorks tattoed inside his left nostril

• The molecule for beryllium (behind left ear)

• The name "Jorge Bustamente," even though he has yet to meet anyone with that name (dick)

• "R.I.P. Chandra Levy" (above navel)

EADJ Magazine Feature: ASIS

If you ride the New York subway regularly, you'll often find a tiny magazine/bodega on the actual platforms. These vendors carry magazine titles that you won't see at your local Borders- often there's a black woman with a gigantic ass on the cover of these periodicals. It was here that I bought a copy of ASIS.


ASIS. The magazine for hustlas, bangers, playas, and ballers who need something to read while waiting at the orthodontist's office.


ASIS boasts articles like "Most Expensive Cars," "Expungement 101," "Domestic Violence: When She Lies," and "How To Bake Vegan Cupcakes In Only 45 Minutes."


One prominent article involved self-defense and domestic abuse, offering helpful ways to avoid getting arrested when your lying bitch of a wife claims you whaled on her when you totally didn't.



Other "how to" articles ranged from the practical to the highly-aspirational:


Oh yeah. There's also booty.



Throw in a rambling interview with wrongly-convicted inmate Darryl "Reese" Johnson with a history of drug dealing and murder attempts, and you've got yourself Issue 13 of ASIS on the newsstands!

Some Title Here

Easter is almost upon us, and I stumbled upon some really keen Easter stuff in the latest Oriental Trading catalog. Because I'm Oriental.


The catalog is filled with knick-knacks and doodads that help teachers introduce their Sunday School students to Easter, which is fine, until I got to the pageant costume section:


Now kids can play out the entire resurrection scene. You know, where Jesus comes out of the cave and says "hey." Then everyone is amazed except Thomas, who demands to feel Jesus' wounds before being convinced. Then Simon Peter gives Thomas an atomic wedgie, and Thomas starts crying and throws his Juicy Juice box at him.


Maybe it's just me, but there's something disingenuous and unsettling about a bunch of WASP-y kids dressing up as historical Middle Easterners in day-glo robes.


That kid looks like every bearded college guy walking into a party:

"Wassup, fools? Is the keg in the back?"

It's also nice to see that they make Joel's mandals in kid's sizes.

This Thing Called Twitter

Where else are you going to find Lil' Jon's thoughts about coming down with a cold?

An Imagined Conversation.

"So Carl and Georgina, this will be the cover for our Christmas catalog."
"I like it!"
"Maybe I'm out of it, Georgina, but I don't get it. 'Give fleece a chance?'"
"Yes. It's kind of a take on the song 'Give Peace a Chance,' Carl."
"Oohhhhh."
"Plus it features our fleece line, which is what you wanted."
"But what does that Beatles song have to do with Christmas?"
"Holidays Carl. We just say holidays now. And it wasn't the Beatles, although McCartney and Lennon wrote it. When it was first released by the Plastic Ono Band in '69 before..."
"Plastic who?"
"Never mind. It's a play on the word 'peace,' which is a big theme during Christma... uh, holidays. Peace On Earth and all that."
"So why isn't the snowman doing a peace sign, then?"
"We didn't want to offend our conservative customers by making a 'hippie' symbol."
"What is that symbol then? Is that a 'shocker?'"
"What is a shocker?"
"Something my son picked up at school. Said it was dirty."
"No, I'm pretty sure it's either 'I love you' in sign language or 'hang loose' in Hawaiian."
"Okay, whatever. Just print it. But make sure you Photoshop the carrot to be smaller– we don't want to be labeled anti-Semitic during the Christmas holidays."
"Okay, Carl."

Items From the Signals Catalog That Would Be Difficult To Put In My Ass

Every month or so, I receive a catalog from some company called "Signals." Almost everything for sale in it is either new age bullshit or nerdy teacher crap like shirts that say "LIFE IS SHORT– READ FAST!" As a service to our dear readers, EADJ presents a few items handpicked from this catalog that we imagine would be very physically impossible/painful to insert in one's rectum. Enjoy!

(Editor's Note: It must be stated that I have neither attempted nor intend to put any of these items in my ass, so this entry is pretty much academic and should only be used as an "ice breaker" during parties.)


Item #HD7382: Garden-Size Stone Cairn
Dimensions: 11" high. Base stone looks huge and troublesome.
Catalog says: "No two are alike, and you can arrange yours as you choose." Like in your ass, e.g.


Item #HG6005 Calligraphy Glass Sculpture
Dimensions: About 6" wide, 12" high. Depending on where you would "start," could be a long night.
Catalog says: "It quietly commands attention and invites the eye to explore each curve." Quietly? That thing is ugly as Mike Tyson's teeth. And I think the "eye" might be invited, but the ass is crashing the party anyway. Whut!


Item #HG6095 Heart Vase
Dimensions: 10" high and watertight.
Catalog says: "A creamy ceramic column spirals up and opens into a heart. Add a long-stemmed rose and she'll never forget this gift. Scuptural vase is elegant even when empty." No comedic riff needed here.


Item #HG6085 Map Plates
Dimensions: Each is 6"-10" wide, 10"-15" long.
Catalog Says: "Each plate is shaped like the nation it represents." Thanks, Catalog Obvious! Now, Italy and Great Britain would probably be the best bet. Funny how France would be unyielding for once.


Item #HG7856 Serotonin Molecule Wall Art
Dimensions: 26" x 13". Friggin huge for a molecule. But the nubs help.
Catalog says: "Serotonin is found extensively in the human gastrointestinal tract, or gut." Well, let's put it where it belongs, then, Souljah Boy!


Item #HC1532 Handcarved Don Quixote
Dimensions: About 30" high.
Catalog says: "Our angular figure is a gift for the art lover, tilter at windmills, and dreamer of impossible dreams." Like trying to fit a ginormous splintery mantis in one's butthole. Dare to dream!


Item #HB6232 The Complete Calvin & Hobbes
Dimensions: 1,440 pages, 23 lbs.
Catalog says: "Three hardcover, four-color volumes include every Calvin and Hobbes cartoon that ever appeared in syndication." Dimensions aside, I would find this extremely difficult to put in my ass because I would be too tempted to simply sit and read this wonderful compendium, cover to cover. Good stuff, that.


Item #HD2705 Big Stupid "Hey Notice Me" Umbrella With Stupid Fake Roses
Dimensions: 23" long.
Catalog says: "Closed, it's a bountiful bouquet. Full-sized umbrella has a hardwood shaft." The nylon roses would be the major hurdle to jump in anally inserting this item, I would imagine. That would leave someone walking around with a red bouquet and an umbrella handle sticking out their butthole, and that's just silly-looking.

If You're Happy and You're Joel, Eat a Dick

Joel wrote an angry letter to the Brother Corporation this morning to protest the release of one of their new products.

The Brother MFC-9960DE is a multi-functional office appliance that prints, faxes, scans, copies, and also eats dick. Joel is upset that this new machine will phase him out as the household go-to for dick eating.

"The thing about these kind of machines is that they are jacks of all trades, but masters of none," Joel wrote, "Sure they can fax and scan pretty well, but their print quality and the depth of dick eating is cursory at best. This model barely even reached the base of my penis, let alone either of my balls."

A representative from Brother responded to Joel's letter a few hours later on Comcast Newsmakers.

"While it is true that the Brother MFC-9960DE is not the finest printer or copier around, it does a very good job at providing all of these services to people who cannot afford the expensive machines. And when it comes to home-office-level dick eating, this machine is more consistent and easier to operate than Joel."

Joel still maintains that he takes the extra effort of gobbling up balls. In the meantime, Lexmark has announced plans to build a collater that is Ethernet-ready and gives rim jobs.