"The Magic of Cakes", My Ass

 A birthday candle display at a nearby DQ trumpets "The Magic of Cakes":

Kind of an overpromise, ya think, DQ? Cakes are great, but let's be realistic here.

• Have cakes ever significantly canceled student debt in any part of the country?

• No cakes in the past 50 years have ever de-escalated a hostage situation.

• Fish: Yummy; Fish cakes: I'll pass

• In 99.99% of marriages that have ended up failing, a cake was at the wedding.

• Firearms ballistics experts have calculated that even the thickest layer cake cannot stop a .38 bullet.

UAG

Twitter's Least Used Hashtags, Special Valentine's Week Entry

Twitter sucks. Bunch of under-informed attention whores spouting worthless bullshit and other people commenting their bullshit on it. And with Valentine's Day here, all this bullshit gets cranked to 10.

But the twittersphere doesn't use some hashtags. Here are a few of the least popular ones this week:

#gloryholeromance

#celibacymakesmecum

#Ishavedmyrectumforthis

#savingmyselfforMorrissey

#ImsinglebychoiceImseriousDon'tlaugh

#IactuallyhaveasignificantotherbutIloveyourpity 

UAG

Building Dome Was Scared: An EADJ Christmas Special

Building Dome was scared.

Buck-toothed TP Dispenser felt bad.

Printer Paper Tray Guide was upset.

Lemons and Containers sat next to each other, screaming.

Refrigerator Magnet was sad that his black nipples had to show.

Bound and Gagged Register Plug struggled to get  help.

Recycling Bin bellowed for everyone to get together.

Speakers and TV loudly invited everyone over.

Parking Meter smiled at the turnout.

Powerbeats3 Wireless Earphones smiled as well.

S&M Thomas the Tank Engine made an appearance.

So did Donald J. Trump, the president of the United States.

Best part of all, Man-Thing showed up!

Someone brought a pony with an upside down face.

Tarp and Brackets was positively thrilled.

And everyone took selfies afterward. Merry Christmas!