Everyone Needs a Side Hustle

Pictured above, former First Lady Michelle Obama makes some extra cash modeling for Airbuds.

"It Takes Pathmark To Grow Up and Become Who You Really Are."

And this one is subtle:

UAG

We Asked 4 Single Orcs From Middle Earth, "What Do You Look For In A First Date?"

"Well, first off, one of the things I'm definitely not looking for is to be a replacement in a rebound situation. You'd be shocked how many people enter the dating scene too soon!"

- Muzgash, 73

"I like first dates with no pressure. And that can even mean having other people around to keep it light and not too focused on the one-on-one. And if that doesn't count as a date date, sue me!"

- Ohomdud, 89

"I'm a hopeless romantic, so even at my age I'm looking for that spark, you know? That tingly feeling you get when you just click with that special someone. Also, I enjoy disemboweling as an activity."

- Vambag, 136

"I know this won't be a very popular answer, but I put zero faith in first dates; it's on the second and third one where the magic really happens, where you can zero in on someone's vibe and know their rhythms and quirks. It's probably around the fifth date where I reveal that I work for Sauron– not exactly something you advertise on dating apps!"

- Eichelberbog, 94

AirPods Was Stressed.

AirPods was stressed.

So was Traffic Barrel.

Ambulance smirked through his dizziness.

Towel Rack Brackets were all befuddled.

Elevator Button said, "Ooooo girl, WHO DID YOUR HAIR"

(thanks, Emily Kane!)

Potbelly Stove said the same thing.

Minion Balloon hung out with his three friends.

Office Smoke Detector swallowed a power pellet and chased some ghosts.

Old Fence Posts marched against blacks, hispanics, Catholics and mixed marriage.

Two Trashcans and A Sidewalk winked at me.

Light Switch and Doorstop acted all crazy.

And Traffic Partition asked Senator Ruth Martin, "Tell me, Senator: did you nurse Catherine yourself? Toughened your nipples, didn't it? Amputate a man's leg and he can still feel it tickling. Tell me, mum, when your little girl is on the slab, where will it tickle you?"

The ProofrEADJer: Rite Of Spring Edition

More Taglines For A Movie That Should Never Have Been Made

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

Chedda didn't care if his friends made fun of him- he bowled his best games with the 5 lb. kiddie ball.

"Aw, shit. Your ass just got CHUBSNUGGED!"

A quick peek inside the giant blue condom showed the prevention of at least eight hopeful emcees.

This is appropriate because people desperately want DJ Clue to go away and die but he keeps coming back again and again with shitty reverb sound effects.

"Hi, I'm La Chat, and I'll be your hibachi chef tonight. No, Joe Watanabe is out sick, but I got you, honey."

Jody and Ernie stood at the valet stand for an awkward 10 minutes before realizing someone stole their car.

Young Dolph later got an official cease and desist letter from the Nation of Zamunda.

CHUBSNUGGED!

UAG

Blackberry Face VII

Sometimes an art collection outgrows a gallery and must be moved to a facility that can handle its space requirements. The recent acquisition of "Debargo," the seventh addition to the renowned "The Blackberry Face" series has made it necessary to find a new gallery to house the master works.

"Debargo" is a beautiful new piece, captured in Midtown New York and donated to the EADJ Gallery by James and Hillary Fallopian of the Fallopian Foundation. This seventh piece has made it necessary to find a new home for the collection when the curator found that the East Gallery could barely display the previous six pieces without causing a fire hazard.

"Debargo" depicts a middle aged man of unknown ethnic origin enjoying some "choons" on his phone or mp3 player. The rapturous expression on his face suggest freedom and escape to counteract the emotional ballast that is his sturgeon mouth.

Before this seventh piece, the collection resembled the compartmentalized photos of Dawoud Bey's Candida and Her Mother, Celia, II displayed at The Art Institute of Chicago. So "Debargo" has created new artistic interpretations of the overall collection as well as new challenges to its storage and display.

Click to enlarge:

The resulting new septaptych is breathtaking in its scope and scale. Gone is the stability and security of an even number as the juxtaposition of man and handheld machine is thrown into beautiful, asymmetric chaos.

Top row, from left: "Maggie," "Frank," "Edvard," "Debargo"
Bottom row, from left: "Tony," "Sam," "Doug"

The Blackberry Collection will be displayed in the Founder's and Parlor Gallery at the Woodmere Art Museum in Philadelphia, starting June 9. Admission will be $10 adults; $7 seniors; FREE for members, children, and students with current ID. No flash photography or pets.

:C

The EADJ Crappinema Proudly Presents Dead Awake

Hoo-boy. Now, I have watched some shitty movies for the EADJ Crappinema before, but this marks the first time I ever watched one of these turds TWICE. The reason for this being that I had the entire write-up for "Dead Awake" ready to go, but I lost my iPod during my commute, and all of the files for that write-up were stored on it. So I took a second bullet for you motherfuckers and watched the dang thing again, taking screenshots and adding my pithy comments, all from square one.

I never recovered that iPod, by the way. Too bad. It had all my Maroon 5 music on it.












The following is the dialogue lifted verbatim from this scene:




Old Man: (indicating yo-yo) He never puts that bloody thing down.





Nick Stahl: It's a sentimental thing. A yo-yo almost always comes back to you… reminds me of the mistakes I've made.




Old Man: Mistakes. We all make mistakes.






Nick Stahl: There's a difference between mistakes and… regrets.





(Old Woman smiles and put her hand on Nick Stahl's arm. Nick Stahl notices her Claddagh ring.)




Old Woman: Decko gave me that. The hands are for friendship, the heart is for love, and the crown is for loyalty.




Nick Stahl: Someone close to me had the same ring. (sighs) And if the heart is pointed inward, it means your heart is taken.




(Old Woman makes kissy face to Old Man.)






Old Man: Shite. They'd better go get me Viagra.















































Overall Grade: F

To help wash out the bad taste from watching this horrible movie TWICE, here is Rose McGowan in her prime: