5 Things You Shouldn't Say To Yoko Ono

If you're ever fortunate to run into artist Yoko Ono on the street or at a Bed Bath & Beyond, here are a few things you shouldn't say to her in conversation: 

1) "I really loved the song 'Yesterday.' Oh, Paul wrote that song? Whoops."

2) "Did the Plastic Ono Band break up because one of the band members got romantically involved with someone outside the group and that became a distraction and created tension?"

3) "Do you still sleep naked with a man slinging his leg over your shoulder like that?"

4) "You should really watch 'Hell's Kitchen.' Not that it has anything to do with you or The Beatles, but because Whatshisname is such a CARD!"

5) "When you poop, do you make that awful noise like when you sing?"

Bonus: 6) "Gordon Ramsay! That was his name!"

An Open Letter To Pierce The Veil

Dear Pierce The Veil,

Wassup guys. How's it going. Oh, I'm good- thanks for asking. Hey, listen. I got the Rockabilia.com catalog in the mail the other day, with youse guys on the cover. Vic, Mike, Jaime and Tony, you guys all look great. Glad to see that everyone is doing well.

So I looked on the other side of the cover, and I was honestly astounded at how many different logos and type treatments for your band there are out there. I couldn't even spot two of the same design anywhere on the page! 

Look, guys. Wikipedia says you formed back in 2006. Eight years is long enough time to settle on a logo. ONE LOGO. The Beatles, AC/DC, Zeppelin, Nirvana. All of them had the occasional offshoot, but they stuck with a "flagship" logo that worked and built serious equity. You guys need to stop fucking around and land on something here. Seriously. I am not tattooing all 13 of these brainstormed ideas on my back. Get back to me ASAP.

Not really a fan and just doing this for this bit,

David

Triscuit Company Proudly Supports Lesbians

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: Triscuit Co. would like to make an announcement of solidarity and sisterhood with all lesbians worldwide in their fight for equal civil rights, recognized marriage, and leadership in the workplace.

Triscuit Co. is making this announcement independently of their parent company, RJR Nabisco Inc., which in turn is owned by Kraft Foods Inc. Neither RJR Nabisco Inc. nor Kraft Foods Inc. have approved this stand for solidarity with lesbians worldwide.

That's not to say that RJR Nabisco Inc. or Kraft Foods Inc. disapprove of lesbians worldwide. Both corporate entities are simply choosing to not join Triscuit Co. in its announcement. This distinction must be made very clear.

It's not that RJR Nabisco Inc. and Kraft Foods Inc. don't recognize the struggle of lesbians worldwide for equal workplace rights and civil unions. It's just that Triscuit Co. chose to make this public announcement without consulting either corporation.

Not that the fact that the announcement was public had anything to do with it. Wait. No, actually it does. The fact that it has to do with the struggle of all lesbians nationwide has nothing to do with it. RJR Nabisco Inc., Kraft Foods Inc., and Triscuit Co. have definite corporate guidelines to follow when making public announcements like this, but Triscuit Co. for some reason went ahead and made this grand sweeping gesture about lesbians without consulting the other firms, making those two look like bad guys for not going along with.

And while we're on the subject, the Thin Crisps Division of Triscuit Co. actually does not support the struggle of lesbians worldwide. The Thin Crisps Division, which covers Original, Parmesan Garlic, Quattro Formaggio, Sweet Chili, Cilantro Herb and Chipotle, and Applewood Smoked Barbecue, all condemn Triscuit Co.'s rash announcement that the entire company loves lesbians and wants to march with them.

The non-Thin Crisp version of all the flavors mentioned, however DO support lesbians worldwide in their fight for equal civil rights, recognized marriage, and leadership in the workplace.

Oh, to hell with it. Shelley in accounting at Triscuit Co. is out now. You all happy now? Jesus.

Ticketmaster thinks I am a Red Hat Society member.

Ticketmaster sent me this email today:

Like, what the fuck? I haven't listened to Debbie Reynolds in like, I dunno, like 2 weeks or something. And that CATS original cast soundtrack may be in the CD changer, but it's not like I've cranked it lately. Not really. Not loud.

Memories...