The Latest New Perks of Being an AMC Stubs Member

AMC would like to know why you haven't signed up for their Stubs Rewards Program. Especially since they've added so many new benefits for current and new members. Here are the latest perks you can enjoy if you sign up now:

• We give you a large flag, so if there's a line of dialogue that you didn't catch, you can hold the flag up and we will rewind the film reel 15 seconds for you.

• Unlimited free refills of Coke in your car's gas tank

• If you let us, we will hold and shake your penis for you while you pee in the bathroom

• GIANT SALTED PRETZEL NECKLACE

• Free offshore tax shelters (for Stubs members with over $500M)

• Members who are Instagram influencers will be able to live stream the entire movie on their channel, free of charge.

• Special private screening of all upcoming Marvel movies so you can spoil it for everyone else like a real asshole.

Feature Films To Be Released Based on Characters On the Side of a Burger King Bag

Now creatively bankrupt for years, Hollywood continues to scrape every corner of the globe for some idea, any idea to build a movie off of. Here are the latest movie pitches based on the side of a BK bag that the movie studios are scrapping over:

"Hamburger" starring Rebel Wilson.

Attitude, hold the pickle! Rebel Wilson bursts with flavor in this ribald comedy about two rival burger joints that will do ANYTHING to serve up her spicy brand of sass. Also starring Danny Pudi as the branch manager.

"Fries" starring Alyson Hannigan, Keke Palmer, Bobby Moynihan, David Boreanz, Ben Schwartz, Anthony Anderson, and Kat Dennings. This wacky group of 7 play ONE character in Fries, the eccentric, goofy and sometimes a little clumsy wild card. Catch all the pop culture references that your kids won't when you watch this hilarious 3-hour comedy romp!

"King Jr" starring Daniel Kaluuya

(Due to a terrible mixup that exposes the lazy, racial bias in Hollywood, this movie was mistakenly marketed as a Martin Luther King, Jr. biography when in fact it was written as a wacky animated crown that likes to have fun and do things their way. We apologize.)

"Apple" starring Meg Ryan

Breaking out for a comeback after three years out of the spotlight, Meg Ryan plays a cutie pie apple with the help of pounds of prosthetics and talented director Edgar Wright. Is it a vehicle for Ryan's trip to Oscar? Can Meg Ryan make you cry as an apple? Catch "Apple" in theaters in November to find out!

"Drink" starring Kellie Marie Tran

Plot details of this one are under wraps, but TMZ and some fan blogs have speculated that Kellie Marie Tran gender bends the role as Drink and puts her own twist on the beloved, barely introduced character! Thanks to motion capture and the talents of DreamWorks Animation, Drink will fill your heart (and bladder) with joy! Rated R for explicit language.

"Nugget" starring Brendan Fraser.

Brendan Fraser is no stranger to playing the dimwitted but lovable goofball, and this role is right up his alley! Nugget takes a journey out of Burger King, back to the chicken farm he was from to find his mother. Little does the dullard realize that he's been extruded from her butchered, liquefied parts and she is long dead. Amazing!

The Dick You Eat May Be Your Own

As the holiday break approaches, it's important to remember that it's better to eat a dick than it is to have your dick eaten. Or as the Golden rule puts it, "Eat others' dicks as they would have eaten unto yourses."

Today was a banner day in EADJ / NBA relations. Joel managed to eat the dicks of both the Nuggets and the Knicks, thereby ending a violent brawl between them. Nate Robinson claimed to have his balls touched also, but Joel insisted he didn't play any favorites. The endless replays of the dick-eating have been beamed into every living room in the country, including the one of Robinson's grandmother, who was not happy to see her grandson having his dick eaten on the Madison Square Garden floor with the Nuggets' J.R. Smith. Joel's grandmother, however, was drunk.

(pictured above, Ranee Wu models a new bestseller at Urban Outfitters, designed by John Reid)