Things You Can Expect A Guy With a Giraffe Guitar To Say To You

"I see you've noticed my giraffe guitar. Do you like music?"

"No, this wasn't made from a real giraffe. What am I, a monster?"

"When I play live, I'm on the elephant guitar, but I prefer to practice on this."

"Wanna go back to my place and share a grape juice box?"

"I wrote this song when I was really bored in line with my Mom at the bank."

"I'm headlining at Coachella next year."

"Please don't request 'Old McDonald Had A Farm.' I get that all the time."

"I really love the sharp, bright acoustic sound of the Fisher-Price, but when I want bassier, clean tones with more pickup configuration and a tremolo bridge with wild string-bending action, I can't go wrong with the VTech Zoo Jamz." 

"I wanted to finish playing this four-part arrangement for you, but I just went boom-boom in my pants."

Racist Appliances: Tiny-Handed President Elect Edition

Comic Strip Where The Last Panel Is Always A Remote Oil Rig

And Now For Something Completely Pathmark

6 Lies Told By The Hornblower Jazzy Champagne Brunch Cruise Brochure

1) There is no mention of the below-decks orgy that occurs halfway through brunch.

2) "Contact us for deals & specials." They neglected to share the password for the below-decks orgy, which is "Land ho!" Seriously, it's a proper no-holds-barred, go-for-the-gusto orgy with plenty of penetration, spouse-swapping, and stretched-to-the-limit latex.

3) "Glorious views" indeed. Staring into a stranger's gaping 50-year-old vagina after a couple of mimosas is pretty darn glorious.

4) "There's no better way to brunch." ;)

5) That ain't chocolate.

6) "Photo opportunities with New York's most iconic landmarks." In actuality, there are NO CAMERAS OR PHONES ALLOWED in the below-decks orgy for privacy and security reasons. Anyone caught taking a selfie while some rando Lithuanian is balls deep in you will be severely reprimanded and asked to leave.

--------------

EADJ and the American Society of Six Lies Told are thrilled to announce the Six Lies Told fragrance, bottled and distributed by Lamå Rousse perfumery. The fragrance itself is an oriental musk, with hints of white florals and iced coffee. Starting out with top notes of whipped crème coffee, clementine and nectarine, the scent’s mid notes are made up of dulce de leche, orange flower and jasmine sambac. Rounding the fragrance out are the richer base notes of luminous amber and sensual musk.

The Six Lies Told fragrance will sell for $1500 for an 8 oz. bottle.

The ProofrEADJer: Here Comes December Edition

"The Back Widow?"

But What If It Isn't A Harmonica?

The brochure for a performance by American Idol's Taylor Hicks in South Orange obviously shows him jamming out on a harmonica. 

But what if that weren't true? What else would that be a photo of? EADJ explores the possibilities:

Scenario 1: Taylor Hicks in the middle of a power ballad gets a massive toothache and cannot finish the part about hardening his heart and swallowing his tears.

Scenario 2: Midsong, Taylor Hicks gets a part of the microphone in his mouth and discovers that it's absolutely DELICIOUS!!!!! He proceeds to devour the microphone and just marvels at how scrumptious every bite is.

Scenario 3: Goofing around in the studio, Taylor Hicks learns that blowing his nose sounds 100% exactly like Kenny G's Selmer Mark VI Soprano saxophone. At his next live performance, he belts out "Songbird" to the lukewarm delight of the crowd.

Scenario 4: People have told Taylor Hicks that he looks exactly like George Clooney, but only if HE COVERS HIS MOUTH. Taylor notices some hot honeys in the front row of his next concert and tries his best to impress him with his George Clooney looks, minus the mouth.

Scenario 5: Taylor Hicks only THINKS he has a harmonica, but it's actually one of those Take 5 candy bars. You see, Taylor has suffered some sort of mild brain aneurysm and is now convinced that Take 5 bars are harmonicas. Play us some more blues, brain damaged Taylor Hicks!